Watch Yourself Grow

I just think it's amazing to go through people's portfolios (yes, I stalk them like that, 'cuz I'm a creepy stalker. >.> ) and see how much they've improved in the O.
This place is like...a giant artistic family--it's great. Sometimes all I have is you guys and my art.
But seriously, seeing how much I've improved, and how everyone else is improved--it's a good feeling. Besides that I hate looking back at my stuff and just cringing at how TERRIBLE the proportions are and just...everything about it, lol. Still drives me crazy.
But I just want to say I'm proud of everyone; just so proud that we're here for each other to stalk one another and give comments and feedback and laughs and tears, and to learn how to get so close to your imagination that you can just almost talk to it directly and it answer.
And if that's not amazing, I don't know what is.
I love the feeling that I know my characters like the back of my hand--it's like my other other family. xD (how crazy do I sound now? Pretty crazy, yup yup. Just making sure.)
So I want to thank each and every single one of you for a few great years of watching people grow, and learning from others' mistakes, learning subtle tips in others' art, laughing/giggling/peeing my pants over jokes and crying at sentimental pictures.
You guys rule.
Keep Striding.

~Choco

YESSSSS

Aha.
I love my father.
(Calls him Father too...)
After a few suggestions (or more like nagging him for a billion times) he installed our printer in my room.
Which means: SCANNERRRRRRRRR!
>D
And it's right beside my computer...*sighs happily*
I forgot how to use the program it puts on my computer, seeing as I haven't used it in like, three years. xD
Yeah. So new art crap will be up. Or, some of it. All I've been drawing lately is the characters from my book. ^^ That's only because I love them so darn much. >.> They're like, my little children. Even the old people. xP
LAWLS~
In other news...I went to the orthodontist today...which was a load of crap. He won't tell me when I'm getting them off, just that I'm 'towards the end'. You gotta be kidding me, that's so vague. Dx<
But I digress. I've been spewing out more writing like I dunno what. I love writing. ^^
Well, then again, I have a problem.
I love my writing because my characters are like, there in the room with me and they're so close to me and I see what they do in the story in my head and I love them for those purposes, but I also love to draw them and other things. I love drawing and writing. But if I want to go to college to do one or the other, WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE?! Dx
*sigh* Drama. I hate it.
OOOOH, that's right.
Does anyone know a publishing company that will seriously take in teenage writers? I don't wanna like, send something in and meet the editor in person if they're gonna laugh at how small and young I am. >.<
Lol, small person crisis~
Well, I'm in a semi-good mood. ^^
You guys rock~!

~Choco

Stride

Do you need someone to cry for you?
Well too bad
I’ve already dried my tears and swept them aside
Because I don’t need tears anymore

I don’t need to raise my voice to raise my spirits
Or rise my confidence at all
I’m here, I’m now
I’m right here, so don’t ignore me!

Don’t push me aside or call me ‘hey’ or ‘little girl’
Because I am not
Starting today, I shall Stride
I shall Stride wherever I walk

I shall Stride to show my abstract enemies
That I cannot be broken down
No matter how many times I waver

I shall Stride to show the people who laugh at me, who mock me
That I am immune to their remarks
Because I am stronger than them
And my mind will take me places sooner than their own

I shall Stride to show the world that I am here now and today,
Not to be put off tomorrow like the hand of the world is a procrastinator
That I am here NOW and I demand and deserve some attention
But the spotlight is my own and my one and only

And in these moments of which I Stride
I shall speak so loudly that my voice will be heard to every lazy mind
To every person who has ever laughed at another’s misfortune
To every person who has seen my pains and troubles

That I am here—here right now
And I Stride to remind you of that
I Stride to succeed in what I can
And struggle with what I can’t

But in the end, I will triumph over your sweatpants and flipflops,
Overused straighteners and eyeliners,
Your dollars spent hundreds of times
And your senseless, mindless giggles

Because I Stride to stand out from the crowd
I am above the nasty smoke and the baggy penguin pants,
Above the liprings and the wrist scars,
Above peer pressure and above pleasing others and worrying about what they say

I may walk beside, behind, in front, nowhere near you,
But my walk is different from yours
Because I Stride

I have amazing friends.
Even those who've I never met (if that doesn't sound weird/stalkerish at all...) you guys are amazing. Everyone should get a 'Cool Friend' award.
I wrote this poem because I was angry today, but now I really do feel better. I dedicate this poem to everyone who has ever gone through a hard time and has cried because they felt so depressed.
We can carry on.
And we will.
Because we are stronger than the strongest, and because we can Stride.

This Time

I need to vent.
Or something; ranting seems to make me less angry. Doesn't it always? >.>

I'm feeling a little more dark than usual--I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is it weird to write things that make people shudder? Ever since I had that super freaky dream, I'm scared to touch the floor and it freaks me out to think about it. I've been writing and drawing more in the style too--and what's even WORSE was that I wrote a freaking story on my scary dream.
I couldn't even write part of it for a while because it freaked me out too much! I still can't read it because it gives me the goosebumps and kind of makes me wanna cry. I see it so vividly in my mind and it's just...creepy. I want to put that into the story but I don't think that worked out as well as I hoped it to be. Yes, I want to scare people. Like Stephen King. I wonder if he ever gets scared when he writes his books?
You know how everyone says that his books are super scary? Well, they're not. I mean, I read The Long Walk and Roadwork and The Running Man in this one Bachman collection book I have...I mean, The Long Walk and The Running Man were weird. They were scary not in a 'boo' way, but I creepy, holy crap, that could actually happen to us if someone was stupid enough to be THAT sadistic.
It's creepy weird.
I've decided that I don't like writing scary stories. Not only does it scare the crap out of me so badly that I can barely proofread it, but it's just...it stays with you. I can't get it out of my head. >.< Maybe that was my fault for making the entire book a diary of a poor little eight year who(I'm not even ruining it, it mentions it at the beginning) dies in the book.
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
Killing little girls is a BAD BAD THING.
Dx
Maybe that's what's been bothering me lately; I dunno, I can't really tell.
My dad just got thrown into the world of being a single parent for the first time in like, fifteen years, so he's like, never around anymore. And when I ask him about it, he's always like, "I have something to do" and he goes off into this huge speech about how he's ALWAYS busy and it's so hard, blah blah blah.
I know how hard it is--I've raised me and my sisters basically by myself. I don't think that's fair to be 'a little mother'. I think it's bad that my nickname is 'Cinderella'. I don't wanna be Cinderella--I want to be a somewhat normal teenager who's worst fears are their phone battery dying. I don't like how my hands are calloused and feel so rough to me when I'm supposed to just be relaxing all the time. It makes me feel old and like I missed all of my teenage years.
And I can't tell anyone that because no one cares--and that's what makes me even more sad/angry. Ever since the big divorce, everyone hates each other. Like I went to my stepmom's house and all she did the entire time was tell me how much she hated my father when I was just trying to take a break. I really want a break.
And I want my dad to care about this stupid passion I have about writing that I've been obsessing over for like, the last five to six years. But he doesn't care and that's what hurts me the most. I have to beg him to look at something I've written, and even then, sometimes he forgets. I understand that being a single parent is hard...but really? I just want someone to care and I can't even get that. I know, I sound really selfish and ungrateful right now, I should be happy that I have a father who watches over me.
But after running away from my mom's house, I felt like this was all I had and I was so happy. And then, stupid court came up and now I have to go BACK to her house...which makes me feel like ally my terrible self-esteem for the last six years was all for nothing. Like I tried to get away, but it was all in vain. Ugh, I just want to do something...
But everytime I try to organize someone or something, it falls apart at the last moment. I hate getting my hopes up and watching them fall apart. But I guess I'm used to it--it's been like that for a long time. I shouldn't even be complaining; there's so many more people in this world who have it ten times as bad as me, but I hate hearing them complain like at school about how much their life sucks and they over-exaggerate it. At least they could TRY to see the better side of life, right? There's always a better side.
And I feel like I've missed all my teenage years. I want to go out with my friends in my car (which I should have, especially since I should have a license) but 'family issues' won't let me get my license or a car...every time I bring it up my dad goes off in his insurance speech like I'm stupid or something. I can't do anything anymore and it makes me mad. I'm sick of being cooped up in my house all the time--it makes me feel filthy. But all my friends from back in the day have kind of drifted away, even my best friend. I feel like my heart's been ripped into a bunch of little pieces and I'm trying to find them all. And, as my father pointed out rudely, I'm scared to take responsibility. Well, that kind of makes sense to me; I only missed out on most of wretched childhood and teenagehood. I don't even know what a normal person is anymore--are they one of those people who's parents aren't divorced, and the worst thing in life for them is whether they or their brother will get the last cookie? I don't like worrying about things and I don't like feeling like an adult. I shouldn't have to feel like that for a few more years.
I think writing and art are my only escapes; but my dad says I do that too much and that I need to start doing other things. I feel so antisocial because I don't really like to be around my family. They're all smiles, but I hate it because they all hate each other. I wish someone would be honest, but I'm too scared to be honest.
Backstabbing is bad. It's very, very bad. So why doesn't anyone care?
I feel like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere and I need someone to help me through it...but no one cares.
I am alone.
And that's all I am.

Is Deader than all Dead of Deadtown

First thing that came to mind.
Yeah.
Well, I can't tell you the last time I updated this thing of which I check like, every day. >.>
Very poor manners of me, I know, I know.
And now I will attempt a very poorly covered up excuse for my absence and lack of artwork (which is the only thing I CAN vouch for):
Ahem. Well, family issues. That's a big taboo thing, yeah, well, and lack of artwork...my scanner/printer/awesome machine is gone.
GONE. NOT COMING BACK. D:
Well, until my father decides to buy a new one...which I dunno how long that'll take...*rolls eyes* I've got my sister's stupid camera that hates me and shuts off every two seconds, and my stupid camera phone.
But I'm actually okay about this, you know? It's just something you learn to cope with. ^^
I SWEAR TO THE FREAKING OVERHEAD IF I DON'T GET A FREAKING SCANNER I'M GONNA GO FREAKING CRAZY
But, yeah, well, that's about it. I have a Tablet, but God only knows why that thing hates my guts. It just does. I haven't drawn a half decent picture on that thing since I got it two Christmases ago.
...Holy SNAP. IT's two freaking years old?!
I've been feeling so old lately...how is that so, when I just turned sixteen?
Oh, another thing I forgot to mention/but no one really cares about.
I kinda...sorta...had my...sixteenth b-day. Hoorah. I mean, I don't FEEL like I grew five inches and have the freedom of the world in front of me and is driven by her academics to college and etc. etc. If anything, I realized, 'holy crap, I'm gonna have a crapful of homework this year'. And THAT'S not something you usually want to think of right before you go to school.
By the way, don't EVER procrastinate. Shoving things 'under the carpet', so to speak, will find you and they WILL drag you under the carpet with them. And if that's not a scary thought, I don't know what is.
I've also been writing/drawing/playing guitar a lot. I hate, hate, hate the feeling that my hands are all rough and calloused from washing my hands too much (I feel like Mini Mom/Cinderella all over again) I'm gonna lose my freaking fingerprints, aren't I?! Oh my geesh...and that the steel strings on my wonderful Seagull guitar Lara are cutting into my fingers like I dunno what.
Oh! I got a new guitar for my b-day. Ehehe, I sorta...forgot to say that...too....yeah. Her name is Lara. ^^ I know it's kinda weird that both my guitars I refer to as girls, but I'm not on the girl team, people. My computer's a girl too; I only call them that because they have mood swings that could knock a guy's teeth out. Rise (my old, crappy guitar) can't stay in tune for more then ten seconds--already tried--and Lara seems to enjoy messing with my mind with steel strings. So, yeah. And I keep losing all my gosh darn guitar picks and they randomly show up just when I don't need them. My grandparents in Ten. got me a guitar case; my grandpa's awesome because he played guitar and that got my dad and my uncle into guitar, and now my dad's gotten me into guitar, which is funny because my other grandpa and uncle play guitar too.
Yeah. I think I was like, SUPPOSED to play guitar to like, carry down the bloodline or something like that. Ugh, pressure. >.>
Anyway, sorry about this huge gigantic rant, I got the case, nice heavy case, the one you can drop on the ground and have someone jump on and it won't hurt the guitar (which took forever to find a case because my Seagull has hips that nearly made me have to get a gig bag, grr) but I keep bumping the case into walls, doors, people, the floor, myself, etc. My case probably hates my guts and it's only been like, a month. D:
But I love it. ^^
I've been working on that 100 Challenge thing, and sheesh, is that thing hard. I've gotten sidetracked more than a few times, drawing random things while I should be drawing challenges, but I'm just too...distracted.
By the way, Rachel, I've like, fallen in love with Owl City (Adam Young, right?) and that new song that was free on iTunes a few weeks back, Fireflies (By the way, you should ALL listen to it. It kicks ALL mega butt. It has become one of my new Nostalgia songs! ^^ ) I made my dad listen to it and he ADORES it. He blasts it every time he hears the song, and he made his friend listen to it and SHE loves it, so she wrote it down to tell her son about it too. We are SO spreading the love of Owl City. It's like, super great. I love him, geez.
Well, that's all I can really think of. I feel absolutely terrible for having dropped off the face of the earth while actually secretly stalking you guys (...okay, that sounded REALLY creepy...) so I'm going to put something I wrote yesterday up here. I beg of you, do not steal. I don't like people who steal, and if you need proof what happens to them, just ask Koii-sempai. Just know that it's REALLY BAD.
^^

On the Other Side of the Wall
On the other side of the wall
The huge big brick wall
There’s a little house made of sticks and hay
That the big bad wolf cannot blow down today
On the other side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
That far off huge wall
There’s a little stream running wide and free
A little stream, waiting for me
But only on the other side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
The big wall no one can get over
There’s a beautiful field covered in baby breath and larkspur
As thick and plenty as a dog’s long fur
Unfortunately, only on the other side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
The big wall that holds in this city
There’s a sky that reaches with both hands towards time
A sky full of clouds that pass over the wall and leaves it behind
But only on the other side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
That my father and father before helped to create
Where I wish I was, there’s a forest forever that will prate
About what’s on their other side of the wall
Somewhere I wish I was, on the other side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
The one lined with floating barbs
There’s a billion other people with dreams just like me
And one day I will forever be
On the other side of the wall

On this side of the wall
This big, big wall
A hundred different almond trees rest
Resting in anger at these times we detest
Sadly, on this side of the wall

On the other side of the wall
Which will crumble one day
All our flowers will float away
As free as we were and with minds set free
To the other side of the wall

It was meant to represent like the Japanese internment camps during World War 2, if you don't know about those, it's right after Pearl Harbor when Japan bombed the USA and they freaked out that every single Japanese person in the USA was actually a spy and Kennedy, I think it was, sent them to these internment camps where they stayed for several months. It wasn't like the Holocaust; none of them died, which is a very, very good thing, but it was very crowded and they weren't allowed to leave. All their property and businesses were sold--when they got out, they had nothing. It was one of the worst things the USA has ever, ever done. Eventually though, by Reagen (sp? Darn it) the Japanese were paid small sums as an apology. So yeah. There you go, History 101 lesson.
Well then, haha, this has gone on long enough. I appreciate every single one of you who didn't scroll down to get to the end that thank you for reading my huge, long rant. It means more to me than you know. ^^
Have a great day, ya'll! And don't forget your Nostalgia songs!
~Choco