I need to vent.
Or something; ranting seems to make me less angry. Doesn't it always? >.>

I'm feeling a little more dark than usual--I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is it weird to write things that make people shudder? Ever since I had that super freaky dream, I'm scared to touch the floor and it freaks me out to think about it. I've been writing and drawing more in the style too--and what's even WORSE was that I wrote a freaking story on my scary dream.
I couldn't even write part of it for a while because it freaked me out too much! I still can't read it because it gives me the goosebumps and kind of makes me wanna cry. I see it so vividly in my mind and it's just...creepy. I want to put that into the story but I don't think that worked out as well as I hoped it to be. Yes, I want to scare people. Like Stephen King. I wonder if he ever gets scared when he writes his books?
You know how everyone says that his books are super scary? Well, they're not. I mean, I read The Long Walk and Roadwork and The Running Man in this one Bachman collection book I have...I mean, The Long Walk and The Running Man were weird. They were scary not in a 'boo' way, but I creepy, holy crap, that could actually happen to us if someone was stupid enough to be THAT sadistic.
It's creepy weird.
I've decided that I don't like writing scary stories. Not only does it scare the crap out of me so badly that I can barely proofread it, but it's just...it stays with you. I can't get it out of my head. >.< Maybe that was my fault for making the entire book a diary of a poor little eight year who(I'm not even ruining it, it mentions it at the beginning) dies in the book.
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
Killing little girls is a BAD BAD THING.
Dx
Maybe that's what's been bothering me lately; I dunno, I can't really tell.
My dad just got thrown into the world of being a single parent for the first time in like, fifteen years, so he's like, never around anymore. And when I ask him about it, he's always like, "I have something to do" and he goes off into this huge speech about how he's ALWAYS busy and it's so hard, blah blah blah.
I know how hard it is--I've raised me and my sisters basically by myself. I don't think that's fair to be 'a little mother'. I think it's bad that my nickname is 'Cinderella'. I don't wanna be Cinderella--I want to be a somewhat normal teenager who's worst fears are their phone battery dying. I don't like how my hands are calloused and feel so rough to me when I'm supposed to just be relaxing all the time. It makes me feel old and like I missed all of my teenage years.
And I can't tell anyone that because no one cares--and that's what makes me even more sad/angry. Ever since the big divorce, everyone hates each other. Like I went to my stepmom's house and all she did the entire time was tell me how much she hated my father when I was just trying to take a break. I really want a break.
And I want my dad to care about this stupid passion I have about writing that I've been obsessing over for like, the last five to six years. But he doesn't care and that's what hurts me the most. I have to beg him to look at something I've written, and even then, sometimes he forgets. I understand that being a single parent is hard...but really? I just want someone to care and I can't even get that. I know, I sound really selfish and ungrateful right now, I should be happy that I have a father who watches over me.
But after running away from my mom's house, I felt like this was all I had and I was so happy. And then, stupid court came up and now I have to go BACK to her house...which makes me feel like ally my terrible self-esteem for the last six years was all for nothing. Like I tried to get away, but it was all in vain. Ugh, I just want to do something...
But everytime I try to organize someone or something, it falls apart at the last moment. I hate getting my hopes up and watching them fall apart. But I guess I'm used to it--it's been like that for a long time. I shouldn't even be complaining; there's so many more people in this world who have it ten times as bad as me, but I hate hearing them complain like at school about how much their life sucks and they over-exaggerate it. At least they could TRY to see the better side of life, right? There's always a better side.
And I feel like I've missed all my teenage years. I want to go out with my friends in my car (which I should have, especially since I should have a license) but 'family issues' won't let me get my license or a car...every time I bring it up my dad goes off in his insurance speech like I'm stupid or something. I can't do anything anymore and it makes me mad. I'm sick of being cooped up in my house all the time--it makes me feel filthy. But all my friends from back in the day have kind of drifted away, even my best friend. I feel like my heart's been ripped into a bunch of little pieces and I'm trying to find them all. And, as my father pointed out rudely, I'm scared to take responsibility. Well, that kind of makes sense to me; I only missed out on most of wretched childhood and teenagehood. I don't even know what a normal person is anymore--are they one of those people who's parents aren't divorced, and the worst thing in life for them is whether they or their brother will get the last cookie? I don't like worrying about things and I don't like feeling like an adult. I shouldn't have to feel like that for a few more years.
I think writing and art are my only escapes; but my dad says I do that too much and that I need to start doing other things. I feel so antisocial because I don't really like to be around my family. They're all smiles, but I hate it because they all hate each other. I wish someone would be honest, but I'm too scared to be honest.
Backstabbing is bad. It's very, very bad. So why doesn't anyone care?
I feel like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere and I need someone to help me through it...but no one cares.
I am alone.
And that's all I am.