Ok before I start this I want to say something. This is about some topics that have offended people before. I wont want to offend anyone here but I need someone to talk to about this stuff because its driving me up the wall...

Ok so please guys don't be offended, but if this post does bother you I understand. You see...lately everyone has been baby crazy here. No this isn't leading up to me being pregnant. I'm going to clear that up now. A family friend just got a grand son, Hope just hand another kid, everything on tv lately has been about someone having kids...when we went with my mother in law to her doctor appointment in Pittsburgh every woman there was pregnant. I...I just...I don't know the whole idea of pregnancy and kids...I don't feel happy about it like everyone else.

In fact, pregnant women freak me out....I don't know why and I know its stupid but they do. I try to avoid being around them as much as possible. Same with small babies. -sighs- Maybe its because of my past experiences with my family growing up I don't know but I don't like the idea of becoming that way myself. By that I mean, getting pregnant...which makes me feel terrible because I know my husband wants a child of his own rather than adopting...I know I should want one too but....I was terrified of that idea when I was a small child myself. This whole friggin subject makes me feel like I'm outside looking in. I know I should be inside with everyone and be happy about it. I shouldn't see it as a bad thing but I do....

God I don't friggin know what's wrong with me. Most women my age already have a kid or two and are thinking about having another...but me, nope I avoid them like the plague. Or at least the very small babies. I'm ok once they hit the toddler stage. I don't know...maybe something in my head is broken or something. Or maybe...hell maybe its because I've always felt so friggin obligated to having a child that I don't want one now. Being the oldest in my family there was always a lot of pressure on me. I felt like I had to do whatever my parents and grandparents asked because I didn't want to let them down...maybe because they badgered me so much about grandkids I can't stand the idea anymore idk...-sighs- I'm sorry Im unloading all of this on you guys...maybe its because its shark week and that makes me a quivering ball of emotions idk...I just don't know what to do about this...am I a bad person for not wanting to have a baby?

I've been told that before...hell I've even lost friends because of this....maybe I am a bad person...I don't friggin know...I don't....I feel like if I don't eventually have a child with my husband I'm depriving him of something hes always wanted...but if I do do it, I'm afraid I'll just become my mother because I'm not fond of babies...my mother in law is pressuring me about it too because she wants a granddaughter....my husband wants a daughter too...I 'm like the most un-maternal female on the planet....sometimes I feel like I'm insensitive too...a person like that shouldn't have a child...but again I don't want to take away something my husband really wants...-sighs again- I'm so angry with myself for not knowing what to do and yet I want to cry because I sound like a terrible person. I don't know what to do when it comes to this topic...

I think I'm stopping here...my head is splitting and I don't want anyone here to notice I'm internally fighting with myself....again sorry for unloading this on you guys...