Hey guys...So, yesterday night I got into an arguement with my brother and some of the things he said to me just shattered me. He made me face alot of realities of my life and he was being really savage about it, he wouldn't stop insutling me even when I started crying. I don't want to go into details here, it hurts even now, what he said. At the end of the arguement I was sobbing wildly and shrieking at my brother to get out of my room. After that I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep.
This morning when I woke up I was feeling very cold, particularly my feet felt frozen and I told my mom just that, but she shrugged and said that she felt nothing. Then, it took half an hour more to convince myself to go to brush my teeth. After that it took me another half hour to convince myself to eat some breakfast which mom had made me. So, at 12:30pm while I had eaten half of my breakfast, Masterchef came on Tv and I just broke down. I gave the remote to my mom, left the plate on the table and went to my room. After alot of crying, I switched of the wifi in my cellphone and tried to find out what was wrong with me . The most coherent solution that I could take out was that I was having a nervous breakdown. I couldn't believe my eyes, when my symptons were just like a nervous breakdown, you know, not able to eat, not feeling well, feeling really sad, not being able to talk and crying...So, I sat there on my bed shocked. Time passed, then after a half hour or so, mom came in to inquire after me. Seeing my shocked face, she thought that I was having a fever...She brought me some juice and I started crying fast and urgent tears into it. Mom couldn't understand what was wrong with me, but she was convinced that I had a fever.
So, she made me lie on the bed and took my temperature, but there was nothing. Then, she just tucked me into bed and I tried to sleep. But, I couldn't sleep at all. My feet were frozen, I was feeling really stupid and I was angry at my mom because she didn't hug me when I cried and didn't ask me why I was crying. Then, my brother came home and he didn't even come into my room! Now, I felt worse than ever and more and more stupid! Finally my Dad came home around 3 and while he came into my room, he wouldn't even come near me. He also thought that I had a fever and took my temperature again. This time I had a fever and I took some medicine and lied down again. And all this time, I couldn't utter a single word, I just nodded and shook my head. I was surprised at myself for not speaking. The words just wouldn't come out of my mouth!
Well, around 4pm, I realised how foolish I was being. My mind tried to convince my body to get out of the bed and change into clean clothes. And after some time, I did just that. And, now I'm sitting here, typing this.
I feel fine now. But I still think that I'll not be able to smile for a while and all the time I sat crying I realsied that I must take some decisions about myself. They'll not probably be permanent, but for now I want to follow them. So, here they are:
1. I won't talk to my brother or my family about anything serious anymore. All of them, despite my very visible puffed eyes, didn't ask me why I was crying. And none of them have ever comforted me. So, its no use talking to them. I'll just be polite with them and keep my distance.
2. I'm quitting drawing and reading. Drawing and reading show me dreams that are very surreal and far from reality and I need to face reality. These are the two things I'm really good at, but this is not the life I'm going to live, so I should part from them, so that I don't miss them in the future.
3. Same goes for anime. I'll stop watching anime.
But be assured guys, I'll be on TheO. And I'll take part in the SS events. Thats all I can do to return the kindness you guys have done on me.
