Entry 1:
Janurary 18th, 2007.
Hello. My name is Hotoru Hasagina. ^^ I'm only ten, but dad says I'm pretty smart for my age! So, I guess its okay. ^w^
I have a small family; my dad, who is a catholic priest, my older brother, and my sister who is spoiled rotten. XP But I love sissy. :3 My mom? Well... I don't know where she is. I hope she didn't die! D: Daddy never talks about her much.
To tell you the truth, daddy doesn't talk to me much either. I hope that I didn't do something to make him angry at me! D:
Dad:
Samiri Hasagina
Age: Old. x3 (????)
Sissy:
Serina Hasagina
Age: 7 (coool! 8D I don't know how that works exactly, but it does! 8D)
Brother:
Mikuto Hasagina
Age: 17
Mom:
????
Age: Hopefully not too old! D:
Welp... Thats really all for now. But I don't think I'll write in this thing too much, I'm just extremely bored. x3
Entry 2:
March 30th, 2007
WOOOOAH. XD It's been MONTHS since I've written in this thing! 8D but, oh well! X3 Tomarrow we're going to grandma's old summer vacation get away thingy for spring break! x3 She died years before Serina and I were born! D: But dad doesn't seem to be so upset about it anymore. I feel bad for him, I mean, I don't even KNOW my mom, so I don't know what it feels like to loose one. :( I'm making my self sad. :(
8D OMG OMG WERE ABOUT TO EAT AT DENNYS!!!!!!! 8DDD BYE!
Entry 3:
April 14th, 2007.
On our way back from spring break, it started to rain... I still can't stop crying... We were going up hill, but some one on a motorcycle was driving on the wrong side... Dad swerved so we didn't hit him... We drove into the woods, and flipped the car multiple times... When I woke up... I saw bubby next to me... A tree branch was in his throat...
The docters said that even if we called them earlier, there was no way that they could save him. The branch went through his jugular vein... They said he died slowly, bleeding to death...
Mikuto Nasagawa
December 28th, 1990-April 14th, 2007
Entry 4:
May 1st, 2007
Before diner, I went outside behind our house today. I went to the creek. There was a boy there. He had short but some-what curly blond hair. His eyes were yellow, and he had pale skin. He was wering a plain black T-shirt and baggy pants that were a darker grey. His name is Kai. I asked him what he was doing in our back yard, and he said "What? I'm sorry. I live near by, I just kinda fallowed the stream. I didn't know that some one else lived around here." I told him that it was okay. We sat on a tree that had fallen years ago. There was healthy green moss on it, so it made it comfortable to sit on. We just kinda sat there and talked. For.... hours. It didn't seem that long though. Maybe alians made the time skip... Like it did on the X-Files.
Dad and Mikuto used to watch that show multiple times together. We own all of the episodes on dvd. I miss you, Mikuto. We miss you. We love you. Whats it like in heaven? Are there fluffy clouds you can sleep on? Is mom up there? Have you spoken with God? Can you see us from up there? Dad said that this earth was a disgusting place... You don't think that, do you bubby? I don't. I think that this place is beautiful. I love it.
Entry 5:
May 17th, 2007.
Oookaay... You don't have to believe this, but... Dad's a vampire hunter. He said that Serina and I need training. So I might not write for a while. I have to go meet Kai at the creek now. We've been meeting eachother since... May 1st. I say we've become good friends.
Entry 6:
June 16th, 2007.
Uhm. Bubby, I'm confused. When I'm with Kai, my face always feels red, and my stomach feels all light and like some one replaced my intestinse with butterflies. Its weird. The annoying part is that I can't stop thinking about him. And for whatever reason, I don't want anyone to find out about us hanging out. But I don't know why...
We were skipping rocks near the long and deep end of the creek, and I stepped on some what wet moss and just before I fell into the water, Kai grabbed my hand and pulled me up closer to the land, but we/I kinda tripped over something, and I ended up ontop of him. My face was so red it actually started to hurt... But... We didn't move. We just kinda... Stared at eachother's eyes... for... a while. I-It was. very. embarrasing.
But then it started getting dark, and he walked me home. I'm still afraid of the dark and larger rooms. And too many people being near me. Thank you for trying to convince dad that I should have been home schooled that one time. Remember when I was rushed into the hospital because I just suddenly collapsed in the middle of gym? When we were having that tornadoe alarm? You were the first one at the hostpital, by my side, crying and waiting for me to wake up.... You were the only one...
Dad never showed up. Serina didn't care. I'm still not too sure what I did to make dad mad at me so much, but he seems to be getting more and more angry with me everyday... You don't think he's found out about me and Kai, do you...?
I feel that it's wrong to sneak around like I am-it's a sin to lie... But he hasn't asked me anything, so, technicaly, I haven't lied yet. ... I don't think trying to find loop holes through the bible is exactly the best idea. I am going to be smited-if they can find another way to hurt me. I still cry myself to sleep every night over your loss. I've never felt this much pain until now. I feel so alone... Mikuto, promise me that one day, you'll come back for me...? Please, promise that you'll come back for me.
I'm metting this page all wet. If dad found out that I was crying, I think he'd kill me. I hate how he gave me the biggest bedroom in the house. "You need to learn to face your fears. The only thing you should fear is fear itself." "Don't cry, it shows your weak points, and they'll jab at that until you collapse."
Dad's starting to scare me.
May 28th, 2007.
This page is covered in tears, so It would be a miracle if anyone could read it. Today, when I was training, I asked dad why we had to kill the vampires...
"Because, they're monsters. They'll kill us all."
"But thats stupid-we're killing them all too. Doesn't that make us just as bad?"
...
It was a mistake to compare us to vampires... He grabbed my by my hair and threw me into his study... Either I didn't scream loud enough, or the walls are sound-proof. He said that I was becoming too rebelious...
Serina says that she couldn't hear me. No one did. Not even the dog. I'm covered in bruises. I'm still shaking. My lip is bleeding. I'm trying not to cry, but no matter how many times I wipe my tears away, they seem to come back heavier than before, and start to fall quicker.
Aunt Betta is a make-up artist, and a few Christmases ago she gave me this huge make up set... I never thought that I'd need to use it, until now. She gave me all the perfect books and tutorials on how to hide pimples, zits, scars, and other unwanted marks... I have to tell her thank you next time I see her again.
May 29th, 2007.
Serina and I have thought of a great plan to where we can both sleep perfectly. At night, we will sneak out of our rooms through our windows and out onto the roof, and she'll sleep in the master bedroom, and I'll sleep in the guest room, the smallest room in the house. Then around five, an hour before dad wakes up, we'll switch again. It deducts about two hours of our sleep because we have to wait for dad to fall asleep, but at least we don't have to be afraid when we are asleep... At least we <i>can</i> sleep.
Dad spoils Serina. She never has to do any of the cooking or cleaning, she gets help with her homework, she never gets yelled at... She never gets beat. Not that I want her to do any of those things, I mean, I wouldn't mind of she would help with the chores every now and then, but I would never want her to get hurt. I love my sister. But... I hate to admit that I have fallen to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but I am jelous-envious.
But I'd never do anything to hurt her just because I'm jelous. Yes, it makes me angry that father has a favourite... If I said that I didn't want it to be me, then I'd be a liar. But I'd still help with everything, and take half or more of the beatings for Serina, that I <i>know</i> isn't a lie. I just think that it's messed up that he has a favourite. I never did anything to him...
Come to think of it... Where is my birth certificate? I've heard plenty of adults make the comment on how I look nothing like my father... It's true. We look nothing alike. My naturaly pale skin, my naturaly dark
violet/purple/indigo (It's a complicated color) hair, my small and frail frame, my short stature... I look nothing like him. My face is more rounded than his is, my eyes are even a totaly completely different color. They are also a dark purple, like my hair.
Except my hair looks like it's black, but a different color... Its the color above the entry. I told you it was a complicated color to explain. I will draw me and blocks of the color of my hair and skin.. Man, I am white.
Getting back to subject, my father is blond, and darker than I...
I'm not Samiri's child, am I?
May 30th, 2007.
Kai's a vampire...
May 31st, 2007.
I have came to a conclusion (that was fast); I don't care. I love like Kai.... a lot. I think that it's worth it. I told him that my dad was a vampire hunter, and he said that he didn't care either, as long as he could still see me. We both smiled and blushed.
When he walked me home, he lightly grabbed my hand, and said "I'll see you tomarrow, the same time." I seriously hope you weren't hoping for sappy-ness... Oh well, here it is:
The second he grabbed my hand, I froze, and I could feel my heart pounding so hard it felt like it was going to expload. And when he hugged me, He kept holding on to me as he left... He didn't want to let go either...
July 4th, 2007.
Samiri took Serina off some where in Missouri for vacation. He said for me to stay behind and take care of the house and other things. He just didn't want me to go. But I can't say that I wanted to go, or else I would have been a liar. I did enjoy being able to blast Skillet and Flyleaf without Samiri yelling at me. I got to use a few things that I usually couldn't use because of Serina. I got to use to wood polisher, and I was able to dust off the knick-nacks. The reason I like doing these things because it's fun. When I mop with the wood polish, I get to slide around like I'm ice skating or something, and when I dust off the knick-nacks, I get to see them up close in person instead of from behid a glass door.
Samiri's going to be gone for a few weeks... Wich mean I get a break from training, cooking and cleaning excessivly, the yelling and screaming, and the beatings... That thought makes me smile. The only one who can make me smile these days is Kai.
Wow, even writting about him makes my face red. I'm going to meet him, so I'll write afterwords. Good Bye, for now.
July 4th, 2007.
When I went to go meet Kai, it had turned out that he set up a pick-nick and brought some sparklers. We sat on the tree and watched the fireworks replace the stars tonight. We ate sandwiches, and had lots of grape juice and peach juice. It was good. We skipped stones, and even went swimming. For those four hours, the red, white, and blue sparks lit up the sky. We swam beneath the sparks, and the entier city smelled of gunpowder, a smell so famiar. After we were finished swimming, and the citie's fireworkds started to die out, Kai lit the sparklers. He brough his entire back pack full of sparklers. We sat ont the tree and wrote our names, drew, and made random designs with our little wands. I used the sparkler he was holding as an excuse to stare at him. When he noticed that Iw as staring, wich was, unfortuantly for me, before I did, he giggled. Then I looked away, in a deep blush. He held me close and said "You're cute, Shono." (I tell people to call my by my middle name beacuse Hotoru people always mess up and pronounce it Hitaru, Hotaru, basicly anything that ISNT Hotoru.) I felt myself light up, and I rested in his arms. Then he
walked me home...
Even though I'm terrified of the dark, I'm glad we were running out of sparklers. He clasped our hands so tight, and we walked to my house. As we used the last sparkler, I started to panic. Nothing to big, I breathing became a bit uneaven, an I began to get nervous, but I wasn't shaking and screaming or anything. I was just afraid of going into another panic attack.
"Shono, I promise you that I'll keep you calm and okay, even if the sparkler goes out before I take you home." The sparkler slowly faded, but the darker it grew, the closer he got... Eventually the space between us was no longer existant. His lips were cold, but they were so soft. My eyes fluttered shut. We moved our lips so gently together, so innocently. I may have looked calm, but on the inside so many things were happening. All at once, my stomach and heart became from filled with butterflies, to turning, then my heart melted and pounded all at once. But, when he spoke, I couldn't breathe.
"I love you."
I felt like I was about to cry. He pressed his lips to mine, and waited for a response.
"I love you too."
Then he once agan pressed his lips to mine. He licked at my lower lip, and i could feel myself light up. I gasped and stepped back, and ended up pressing my back to the shed-the halfway mark from my house to the creek. He got closer to me, wrapped his arms around me, and pressed his lips to mine once more. I just kept my arms to my sides. He once again licked at my lower lip, and when I opened my mouth I started to tremble...
Our tongues gently danced together. So warmly, so gently, so tenderly. He gently backed away and giggled. "You're so cute..." then he pressed his lips to mine again. and just before he left, for some god forsaken reason, I blurted out "My dad and sister won't be home until the 17th!"
*face palm**head deask*
WHY!? I HAVE NO CLUE. But he smiled and said "Then I'll come over earlier, and stay later."
July 15th, 2007.
Ever since I told Kai about Serina and Samiri not comming home until two days from now, he's been showing up at my house around five-after his chores, extra studies, and spending time with family, and actually...spending the night. Just about everynight, I've gotten a great sleep; in <i>my</i> room, in the dark. It's not like we do anything, though. He just holds me the whole time. And we talk. I always fall asleep in his arms, and wake up the same way. It's hard to believe that there can be something so perfect in this disgusting world.
Kai is the best thing that has ever happened to me; he brought me out of my pit of depression and made me realize that no matter what will happen, everything will be alright. That it will be okay. Every five minutes or so, we share <i>the</i> words. When he says those words, I smile as if nothing in my life has ever happened;
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"More than anything else, Hotoru. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me..."
I still blush when he kisses me, when he holds me, when he hold my hand, when we just stare at eachother... I still blush greatly when I wake up to see his sleeping face.
"You're so cute, Shono." he always tells me. I always blush more, then he giggles and holds me closer to him. I close my eyes and cuddle closer to him. I can never get close enough to him. Sometimes, even when he's not here, I can suddenly smell a gust of wind, and it smells just like him. Even when he's not here, I can still feel his touch. I can still feel his pale, cold, smooth lips against mine. It might sound stalker is, but I've recognized his scent. To me, Kai is the deffinition of perfection; he may be a dammed sould, because he is a vampire, but to me, he is an angel. An angel that delivers more happiness each time he he spreads his wings, and raps them around me.
His shirt is always so soft, makes it comfortable to rest my head on his chest and fall asleep just like that. I wish that Samiri and Serina would never come back...
August 17th, 2007.
I'm so scared. I'm trembling. Dad cought me sneaking out before diner... He asked me where I was going, and I reacted in a way I should not have. I jumped, and stuttered when I spoke. Thats how he knew it was a secret. He took me into the study, and <i>screamed</i> at me to tell him where I was going... I new that no matter what, he'd know that I was lying. I had nothing to say, no excuses... He just kept screaming at me... Then he calmed down and said "Fine. Don't tell me..." then he walked out of the room, and brought back his tool box...
He...made me...t-take my...shirt off... th-then my the rest of my clothes... He..grabbed a wrench... Then a screw driver... I cried and begged him to stop... But he only kept going harder and harder... It hurt so to walk, I couldn't go to school... Or talk to Kai... I love you, Kai. I'm so sorry... I love you...
September 1st, 2007.
Kai came to my window last night. He has been since I couldn't go. I told him that my father cought me trying to sneak out, and put me on lockdown. That it was incredibly difficult to leave my room to go to the bathroom across the hall without him finding out. It killed me inside to lie to him; with every word of that lie I spoke, I felt a little more of my heart fall off and die-turn to ashes. But he held me, and kissed my forehead. I felt my self blush insanely.
I actually cried when he held me. I begged him to stay; at least untill I fell asleep. He said that when I did, that he had to leave. I knew that it would be safest; it would have been best for me, for both of us, but for once, I wanted something that I knew wasn't good for me... I wanted something that poisoned me wether it was present or not, I wanted the very thing that was killing me from the inside out, something that made me feel more alive than ever, the only thing that could make me feel the most ammount of pain, but then make me ten times better than what I was before with just a glance; Kai.
I fell asleep in his arms, but when I woke up, I shed a tear. He was no where to be seen. He left no mark that he was ever there. But my fore head felt cold in one particular spot. I smiled to myself and realized that it hurt him to leave to. The warm spot from the kiss on my forehead was proof... The small wet dot on my bed sheets was his fallen pain, not mine... Kai cried as he left, as I did too.
September 11th, 2007.
As if today wasn't already depressing enough, I got into the worst fight with Serina. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. All I remember were her stinging words burning me to crumpled ash; "You should have died that accident, not Mikuto."
...
Dad feels the same way. Lately he's been looking at me with discust. It's funny how as the days go by, nothing seems to change... But when you look back, everything is different. He took me to see my uncle, Raito Takanishi. He's only my half uncle; grandma re-married because grandpa died.
Takanishi and dad are alike; I am their favourite toy, but their most hated thing. He too, looks at me in discust, yet uses me for his own personal pleasure. Takanishi and Samiri took 10-minute turns. I woke up naked in my bed, with the air conditioner on. Appearantly, after falling asleep due to sheer exhaustion, Samiri and Takanishi continued. I woke up in such an ammount of pain, there is now way to describe it. Only God knows what the stuck inside of me, or better yet; why.
Samiri bathed me while I was asleep, and then put me in my bed. I sure hope Kai never saw him do any of this... How would I possible explain that to him? "Oh yeah, all of my clothes were in the washer because they are all dirty and smell like Pine Sol, Scrubbing Bubbles, and bleach, and I fell asleep in the bath tub because I was up all night cleaning as part of punishment."
...
Wow, ya know, that actually sounds like thats what I'll tell him. God, I hate lying to Kai. It kills me. Yesterday, when he came up to my window, he was tired because he was up all night studying. He fell asleep on my bed. He seemed lifeless. He looked...Dead...
September 21st, 2007.
I hate going to school. Everyone knows about the accident. They all look at me with pity, and fear. The pity, because my brother Mikuto died. Their pity is a constant reminder that my brother is gone forever, a constant reminder of my first broken heart, a constant reminder of the tingling in my wrists.
Their fear, because I never talk. Rumor has it that during the accident, something impailed by throat just enough to ruin my vocal cords. Some of the newer kids say that I move like a robot; so the new kids and the younger children believe that I am a robot.
Did you know that the children have never known that Serina and I are sisters? Even though I have been there my whole life. It's because we look nothing alike, and my legal last name isn't Hasagina, it's Nagarashi.
Appearantly, going through things you aren't supposed to gives you information. My birth mother's name is Kara Nagarashi. My brith father's name is Hitaru Nagarashi. Do you think that she nammed me some-what after him?
November 1st, 2007.
Today is Kai's birthday. At midnight tonight, I'm sneeking out and we're going to the fair. I made him a cake. It's chocolate, with buttercream icing. He said that his favourite color is blue, and that his favourite time of the year is spring... I did my best, but I think it could have been less girly. I can't help that I'm female. I was just kinda... you know, BORN that way. It is only two tiered. It's light blue, with brown decreped branches from a tree and grey flowers with red centers every now and then comming off of the branches. The branches make rough, sharp, violent turns. The blue is more of a grey-ish blue. Like when the storm clouds mix in with the sky, right before, or directly after it rains. I brought a pick-nick basket. I figured after the fair, we could go behind it, and just stare at it as we ate. Well, let us hope this turns out well...
It was absolutly perfect. Everything about it. We rode so many rides. Almost all of them; even the kiddie rides. We had tickets left over and had already riden all of them except the one where it was like a pendalum, only it went all the way and was upside-down for a while... I was too short to ride that one. Damn my short stature. But after we finished all the rides, we had tickets left over, so we gave them to a little girl who really wanted to ride the carousel, but she didn't have enough tickets. After we gave her the rest of ours, she stopped crying and hugged us. After that, we went to the field behind the fair and watched all of the rides. We had our pick-nick. Kai was impressed by my cake. He even took pictures. I didn't get home until four am this morning, but It was worth it. Kai makes everything so perfect. <i> If he were'nt here, I have no clue what I'd do...</i>
November 13th, 2007.
Samira took Serina and I on our first hunt... He shot some one, and then ran... I'm shaking so hard... It hurts to breathe... But I'd rather have taken his position. He made me promise to live for as long as I could... He said that he was sorry, and that he loved me... I was crying to hard to say that I loved him back...
Kai's dead.
November 27th, 2007.
I gave in. I know that it's all just in my head; the tingling in my wrists. But I cant ignore it. Not anymore. Theres nothing to take my mind off of it, for Kai is gone. Im officialy noctornal. God, why? This hurts so much. It hurts me that you still allow me to feel his touch. Still allow me to hear his voice. Still allow me to see his perfect face when I close my eyes. Still allow me to smell him, as if he were next to me. Still allow me to taste him, as if he just kissed me. Oh my love, are you still here? Or is this just tortue? Or am I really the one who has died on gone to hell? You were my drug, you were my life... I cant end this pathetic thing I call a life... You made me promise to live. Why would you make me make such a promise? You know that I cant live without you on by a whim... But I promise is a promise-no, what I tell you specificly is a promise, regardless if I say that I promise or not. I still love you. I don't care if you're in hell, or just sadly roaming this earth, I want to be with you.
Father and Takanishi have gotten worse. Dad says that I'm too weak to be a hunter. He doesn't know that I knew that perfect boy he shot; he doesn't know that I fell in love with him... Or maybe he did know, and thats why he shot you. If that is so, then this is all my fault. I knew that it was against God to do what I was doing; with vampire non the less... If anything, I deserve this... But why? Why did you have to kill you? Why did he have to take you away from he? Why couldn't he have just let Samiri find out and make us sperate... At least then you'd still be alive... I wish I were dead. I think about it all the time. How I will meet you in hell for the commitment of suicide. How at least we will be miserable together. I'd rather have to go through what Samiri and Takanishi put me through 24/7, I'll do whatever it takes... Just as long as it brings you back.
But nothing will. Everynight, since you're death, I've been cutting myself. I can't stop. I don't want to. I cant feel anything else but the cold and the pain. Wether it is physical pain, or emotional pain. Pain of the heart. But my heart-ache bends down a little when I cut. Because I can't feel anything, I don't know if I am still dreaming or not. I dream often, when I sleep during the day. I dream of you. After I'm done dreaming, I cut to make sure I'm awake. I cut until it stops hurting... Even though the pain in my heart comes back. At least it gives me a few moments in peace. Each time I have to create more lines. They're just little cuts; I use whatever I can get my hands on... Mainly soda cans and the metal parts of the eraser on the end of my pencils. I prefer soda cans; I can watch them bleed. And it stings. They leave scars.
I like it when it leaves scars. It makes me remember that I was awake; that I didn't dream that I was hurting myself. It reminds me that at one point, I was happy, or else those little lines wouldn't be there.
Kai, I know you are probably ashamed of me, and I am too. I don't want to stop, however. I am selfish, I know, and I am truely sorry... Please, please forgive me.
I still love you, no matter what.
December 14, 2007.
Serina hates me. She told me straight to my face. Why am I loosing everyone that I love, one by one? What have I done?
I keep having this strange dream... I'm in a bright huge ball room with marble floors, white cealing with a golden chandelier, white walls, and red draping even though there are no windows. There was a very bright white light in the room that made it very difficult to see. On the other side of this huge room is a woman. She is in white, with red lipstick. She has very pale skin, and dark hair... It is black and orange. She slowly holds up a shiny silver object to her head, and a small black stream runs down her face. I cant see her face. She's actually wearing a wedding dress, all I can see is from her nose down.
I run to her, but as I run, she gets farther away. I shout out for her, but nothing comes out. There is no sound in this dream... At least not until the very end. Right before the only sound, she starts too look blury; like a hologram... Then everything goes black... And I hear a gunshot...
When I wake up screaming and sweating, I can still smell the gun powder...
What does it mean?
December 21, 2007
A woman came to our house today. Father looked happy. Her name is Kara. Apparantly she is a 'freind' of Samiri's in high school... She was his first love. He doesn't know it, but I have his journal. He loves her more than anything else. He writes about everything in here, except for what he and Takanishi do to me. He writes how his favourite daughter is Serina, that he regrets me, and how Mikuto is adopted.
"Hotoru is nothing more than Kara's child. If she were any others, I would've never taken care of her. I love Kara more than I despise that burden of a child. That alone, says a lot. If I could stop myself from falling in even more love with Kara each time I see her, I would. I would tell her to take Hotoru and all of their memories and to never come back. I'd tell her that I wouldn't be used as a last minute set of arms to go to anymore. Lately, she seems to have been 'husband switching'. She's been married multiple times. They all propose to her. I've been putting more work and effort into finding and watching Kara more than I have into my job, or into my hunting. I hate how as soon as I see her face one more time, this entire entry will seem like some one else has written it. Love can do anything to anyone. No matter who you are-no matter your age, you will love. You will loose. You will regret. You will stop. And then you will love again. For the rest of your life."
"Hotoru is nothing more than Kara's child. If she were any others, If she were any others, I would've never taken care of her. I love Kara more than I despise that burden of a child." Little does he know, I love that he hates me. I love how I waste his time. I love how I am nothing more than a burden to him.
Yet, I feel remorse for those things. He too has never loved up until Kara, and she was taken away from him. But at least his dad didn't shoot her. The only reason I say this is because I too, hate the pain of the loss of some one you love. However, it is still no excuse to what he does to me. I cannot find out just why he uses me the way he does.
December 21st, 2007.
Instantly, I loved her. She's my mommy. That word makes me cry. Mommy. It's because of the innocence of the word; a small child is yet to be the only one to call their mother mommy. I miss my innocents.
Kara is my biolical mother. I smile around her. Today, she held me and said that she missed me. She said that she loved me, and that she would never leave me again.
"I love you, Hotoru. It's all okay now. Mommy's here. She won't let anything happen to you ever again. I promise."
December 26th, 2007.
Kai, I still miss you. I love you. I'm trying to get better. Last night, I felt cold. I <i>felt</i> cold. I smiled at my frozen toes that had not been covered by the blankets. I laughed and cried tears of joy that I felt like my body was going to stop working if I didn't get some sort of warmth quick.
I smiled.
Although my dreams continue, and I still can't stop mutilating my wrists, everything seems to be going rather well... Or at least better than what it was before. Father has stopped, so, he have yet to go to Takanishi's. Serina seems to smile a lot more often. I however, still stay silent. I smile, yes. I chucklet at times, yes. But I still can't find things to add to the conversation, or to comment on.
I hope this lasts forever.
December 28th, 2007.
It is 2:58 am I had that dream again. I still don't know what it's trying to tell me. The person in the white wedding dress... Is Kara. My mom.
I am highy dehydrated. I'm sweating, and my mouth is so dry that it feels like cotton. I'm going to get some water.
December 29th, 2007.
It was late at night, and I was thirsty. I walked into the kitchen to see mom. She was in her white pajama shirt pants, and I was in my white sleeping gown. She looked at me and said
"Hotoru, I'm sorry."
She held a metalic object to her head, and I ran towards her. Before I even
finished my first step, she fired the shot.
Mom's dead.
December 30th.
Samiri and Serina blame me. After she was taken to the hopsital she was announced dead at 3:00 am. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the study. He yelled and screamed at me. "Why!? Why didn't you stop her!? She's dead because of you! This is all your fault! You could've done something, but you didn't! She was your fucking mom! Don't you care you ungreatful little shit!?"
He didn't even molest me. He just sat there, and started beating me with anything he can get his hands on. Even the stapler. I'm coverd in blood. Again.
Before she was rushed to the hospital, I held her up and held her hand...
"No! Mommy! Mom, no! You just got here! You can't leave! No, not now! You promised that you would protect me! You promised! What happened to it's all okay!? What happened to nothing would ever happen again!? What happened!?"
...
Where's my happy ending?
January 1st, 2008.
Father and Serina hate me. I'm not quite sure what the point in living right now is. The only reason I live is because of a promise. Eversince that night, things are more quiet than they have ever been. It's more tense. More awquard.
Did you know that Veona used to cut too? I didn't. She stopped though. Things worked out for her. She too, is a vampire.
Dad is taking Serina and I to another training camp. Only god knows when we will be back.
March 18th, 2008.
It has been months since I have written in you, my old and dearest friend. For that, I apologize. Serina and I are back from camp. Nothing was different, however. They still didn't know that Serina and I were sisters. They didn't even ecknowledge me except when I was the one to get the highest grade. I try not to. I try to get a B- avarage, but it turns out, that's still better than what anyone else is doing, and there is no way in hell I'm getting anything lower than that. Fuck that. They can kiss my ass and read a book, maybe then they wouldn't have to worry about some new kid getting a higher grade than them.
The only thing different between regular school and this school is that the history is about Vampire and Vampire Hunter history, not just regular history, and P.E. is training for hunting. Also, the girls' dorm and the boys' dorms are seperated. Younger girls' dorm (ages 8-13), Older Girls' dorm (ages 14-17), Younger Boys' dorm (ages 8-13), and Older Boys' dorm (ages 14-17).
Samiri doesn't even wait for me to do something wrong anymore. All he does is grab my by the back of my hair and drags me into his study... That's all he's been doing lately. He looks at me with discust and regret, yet he uses me for a toy... Nothing makes since of this world. I was in church the other day, and I get to wondering... Why? Why has god allowed for all of this to happen? What have I done to deserve any of this? Is god punishing me this severely over a simple lie? Or am I cursed?
Speaking of curses, there is a girl in my class nammed Veona. She's short, like me. That alone doesn't make me feel bad. And she has long beautifuly hair, like me. Except, her hair is blond. And she has bright cerelean eyes. Like me, except my eyes are dark purple. Her facial structure is different; hers is a little less round. She's taller than me, but is still shorter than the rest. Like me, her virgin ears are fake. Like me, she was taken too. Like me, she is a leper.
We are both alone, but alone together. She has a heart in wich is the state of complete pure innocents, even though some discusting man had taken away her innocents and path into the light. I say this because, she is childish. Even her voice sounds like a small child. Either that, or she really does have some sort of mental problem.
I say that she has a pure heart because she is truely a kind girl. Just because she's ready to tell some one off for being mean to her, one of her friends, or just being mean in general, that doens't mean the she herself is mean. And by one of her friends, I mean one of the many other children that the boys and the stuck-up pigs pick on.
Just the thought of telling one of them that they're a porker so they can go throw up makes me smile.
April 12th, 2008.
Today is Mikuto's death day. I went to his grave and put white roses, red roses, and carnations there. I chose the carnation as a sense of humor kind of thing. Mikuto secretly had a twisted since of humor.
The carnation is nick-nammed the "Flower of Death." Back then, before they had the ability to preserve boddies, they would burry the cascet with the body and many carnations in it because the smell was strong and over powering-so that way the stomach churning smell of rotting flesh didn't attract hungry animals.
I'm sick for smiling.
July 4th, 2008.
...
There is nothing more to be said about this date.
July 16th, 2008
Kai, why would you curse me? Why would you make me live without you? Knowing that I'd do anything for you? Why would you make me make such a promise? I don't want to live. I can't care about anything. I have lost all will to speak. I have lost all will to eat. To drink, to breathe. I want to do nothing but lie in my bed all day. These days are getting longer and longer. Each seeming like an eternity.
I used to count stars when I was with you. Now I just count lines on my wrists. Twenty-eight on my right arm alone. I remember how we used to count the stars together. How could you let me do this? I know it's not you're fault. I just need some one to blame other than myself. I don't want to belive that I let myself get hurt so badly.
But I don't want to blame you. I wish I could blame god, but he is only punishing me. For lying. Why is he punishing me so? Isn't Samiri also getting punished? What about Takanishi? What have I done to have been punished so harshley? I have done nothing but lied. Samiri and Takanishi... I can think of at least one hundred things that they have done to be punished.
There is no justice.
There is no purity.
August 14th, 2008.
Dad is sending me to camp again. He's making me go. Serina doesn't have to. I wouldn't be surprised if when I got back, no one was home.
Home.
What a strange word.
Home. A place in wich you reside, in wich you feel safe and loved. A place were you are happy. A place were you are wanted. A place were you are accepted and appreciated. A place for love, and life. A place for peace, and harmony.
I reside on April's 16th street. I feel scared, and hated. I am lost. I am unwanted. I am regreted. There is nothing here but tention, fear, hatred, and regret.
Where is my home...?
March 30th, 2009.
"Jeez, Hotoru. What happened to you?"
Nothing. I just couldn't think of anything new to write about until now. It was just all the same. All of the days of tourment were like the last, only a bit more different, and more painful. That, and dad never came to pick me up. The bus had no choice but to drop me off-regardless if Samiri had come to get me or not...
When I came up to the house, it had seem older that I last thought of it to be. All of the lights were off, and there were vines along the walls. The pain was a faded tan, instead of its bright white, and was peeling off. The particle of dust that covered the once shinning glass on the windows made it almost impossible to see the other side. But then I saw a car drive up, I fallowed it. It was a new navy blue Sudan. Samiri had walked out of it, along with a smiling and laughing Serina. For whatever reason, my heart shattered at that sight. "Why can't I be there?" I starred at them, and Samiri looked at me. When they saw me, their faces turned to a mixture of discust, and an unpleasent feeling. For all of us.
"What are you doing here? They were supposed to wait for me to pick you up."
I opened my mouth to say a full sentence; something that I did not do even in class. Regardless if there was a teacher speaking to me or not. At first, I simply could not speak. It was like some one had taken my vocal cords at that wretched camp. Then, out of no where, a small noise came out and I was startled. It was my small, quiet voice. Barely audiable. "The kept me too long. They dropped me off anyway. Sorry." I turned away, and quickly closed my mouth. I felt scared talking, I felt strange. When I looked back to the house, it had looked new again. The way that I had just left it. The way I had just lost it. I suppose I am halucinating from malnutrition. I suppose I will work up a schedual for eating later. Anyway, I began to walk up the path leading to our porch.
I walked into my room, to find everything exactly the way I
had left it. Even the fact that my computer curser was aht the dead center, and the fact that the T.V. was on the same channel... Nickelodean.
I remember that Kai and I used to watch Songebob. We would turn it down all the way and create our own conversation. It was difficult, and often made no since. But it made me laugh. Wich was hard to do.
I had no interest in T.V. anymore. I shut it off, and I felt tense. I wanted to cry. The only thought going throgh my mind was:
"He was really going to leave me..."
And serina knew about it. That is why she had the same expression that Samiri had. A confused one, one saying that they really stepped in it now. I turned my radio on. The silence always seemed tense, and scary. That and I had multiple songs stuck in my head all at once and I dared not to turn the internet on for the fear that Samiri was on the phone with the camp. Yelling at them for bringing me back to this hell hole. The one that I clean all the time. No matter what I do, it will always be ugly and discusting... Because he resides here.
A song came on. I was unaware as of to who the singer was, or to what the name was called, but. I wonderful little quote came into my head:
"Where's my place in this broken family's portrait?"
April 2nd, 2009.
I knew it. I fucking knew it. I didn't want to believe it, but I fucking knew it. He left. Samiri left. Nothing works. The water, and thats it. There are no lights in this unreasonably huge ass house. There is no heat. And whats worse-he left Serina here with me. We are both puzzled. Well, at least I am. Serina is in denail that he truely never really loved us.
April 3rd, 2009.
Serina is in denial.
"Oh, don't you worry. Daddy is just getting a house suitible for children in Florida. He'll be back for me soon, I know he will."
She seemed optimistic.
But I know that on the inside, she's just as scared and confused as I am. Just as lost.
Why? Why would he leave Serina here? Isn't she not the favourite? Isn't she not "Daddy's little girl"? "Daddy's perfect little angel"? Honestly, this makes no since. I bet he is just trying to get a suitible home. It has to be more than perfect for cute little Serina. It has to be better than what the Queen-of-fucking-England would ever even dream of getting. Nothing is too good for Serina; Serina is too good for <i>everything</i>. She's such a spoiled little brat. Gets everything she wants. And the even more messed up part about it is, I still love her. That fucking snoby, hollister wearing bitch. Even though she's not even my real sister. I love her like a sister. She still hates-or at least loathes-me.
One way or the other, I'm stuck. Eventually the denial will turn into shock, and she will go insane after she realizes what a fuck Samiri is. And get this glory-she actually expects me to cook for her. Can you fucking believe it? I haven't eatened on ever. A human can go nine days witout food. On the eigth day, I usually have some bread, milk, a banana, and water. Just t he essentials. Every other time I eat or so, I'll have some meat-and a cupcake. I need a certain ammount of fat on my body to stay at least some what nutritional.
Haha. It's kind of contradicting, isn't it? I eat the essentials of witch my body needs, but only when Im on the brink of starvation. I drink, only when I start to halucinate. I go to bed early, and wake up early, to keep myself slightly sane. Yet I keep having the most vulgare dreams in wich I cannot remember when I wake up screaming and crying, and I cut to make sure that happened.
When I look at Serina, I feel... Jelous. Jelouse that I am not in her position in the portraits, jelous that she can be so optimistic, jelous that she has not been touched, jelous that she has never been hurt... Mentally, emotionaly, physicaly... Spiritualy.
Changing the subject, for, there is nothing more to be said.
How can you be a friend with some one who doesn't-no-cannot speak? Some one who moves and acts like a robot? When there is never any conversation? Ask Veona Lynne Yamashita. She can tell you all about it. Haha. She's crazy like the rest of us. Claims to be able to read my mind. Thats how she can talk to me.
Although, she is fairly accurate most of the time... It's kind of scary. She said that she'll stop. So now we just write notes and text. Haha. She beat one of Serina's friends with her umbrella for trying to seduce her boyfriend.
"Ritsuka! Get away from that thing! You don't know where it's been-You could get Syphillis!"
"D:"
It made me smile.
April 5th, 2009.
I talked to Serina, and she once again, as usual, said some hurtful things.
"He's not comming back, you know."
"Shut up."
"?"
"Shut up. You don't know dad. He hates you. He'll come back for me. You're not even my sister. You're not his child. You belong to that slut that stained our kitchen floor with her blood. And some one in Hong Kong... You were never welcomed here. You were a mistake..."
"You act like <i>you're</i> so goddamn perfect."
She gasped. I'm not sure if it was because I had raised my voice slightly, or
for using the lords name in vein.
"I'd be fucking thankful if I were you. You don't know half the shit that's happened to me."
"You lost your boyfriend. Big woop."
I turned to her, shocked.
"Thats right, I found out where you've been going. You haven't been there lately. He left you. Just prooves that you're not loveable."
Then she walked away. I had nothing left to say. I suppose I deserved that...
For trying to bring down her spirits. For being pestimistic. But it's not like he's going to come back, smiling with mom alive and well next to him, laughing. It's not like all-of-a-sudden my scars and bruises are gone. It's not just like my hair will grow back, along with my ears. It's not like Kai wil suddenly live again, same with Mikuto. It's not like Samiri will ever stop being a Vampire Hunter, and allow for Kai and I to be together.
It's not like we can say some magic words, and everything will be back to normal. Now that I read, and as I write, I now see that I wasn't being pestimistic at all. Just making an observation. Or at least a prediction.
I know that he's not comming back. I have proof. The idiot left his journal here;
"March 30, 2009
It didn't work. When I came home with Serina from the movie, she was standing in the driveway. The camp said that they had kept her for too long and could not afford her. They didn't want her either. Dammit. She's like a leach. All she does is waste my time and money, and hurt me. And she won't fucking leave. Like a damn paracite. So... Just. There is not point of her being here. No one wants her here. But if she runs away, and the police find her dead, then they'll wonder why I never reported her missing. Fuck. She's so damn annoying. Like a pain in the ass- does nothing more than waste my money, time, and space. I could be using her room as a gym, another training room-anything, just as long as I get to burn her things. I hate her. What am I supposed to do? That damn leach won't leave."
He's very articulant, isn't he?
"April 1, 2009
Today is the last entry for this journal. I can't stand the thought of even living in the same house as that regret. I'm going to move into a house in Miami, Florida. I've already adopted a 14-year-old Catholic girl nammed Elysia. I can't take Serina with me. If the regret dies, then the police will be looking for me, thinking that I killed her. So, I need to leave Serina behind to watch her.
Serina, when you find this, I want you to know that Daddy loves you."
Discusting, isn't it? But what can you do? He's only human.
April 6th, 2009
Veona found out. She came to my house without asking me first, and she found out. She knows that Samiri left us only a week or so ago. She told her dad. The only reason I agreed to live with them is because I needed to be warm, or else I would surely die of pneumonia or hyperthermia. It would not be suicide, but technically, it would be. I knew that I needed warmth, and if I ignored this fact, I would be letting myself die, so technically, I would have killed myself. And I made a promise.
Kaleb (Veona's father) caught Serina and I fighting.
"Shut up, sit down, and start acting like real sister's or I'm going to send you're little asses back out on the streets!"
I couldn't help but to secretly smile at that. That phrase. "Like real sisters." It makes me laught. It makes me smile. Like Serina and I could ever act like real sisters. Not that I haven't tried. Haha. She's just a stubborn bitch.
I apologized to Serina, and she just said that It was accepted, and she ran away. She more than likely went to live at the Catholic boarding school that dad wanted us to be at. The sisters there kind of favour her over everyone else. But hey, what can I do? She's Daddy's fucking perfect princess.
Anywho, now I get my own room. The walls are white. But it has a computer, a window, and it's own bathroom. I don't have to leave. To go to school, I can just go out the widnow and down the tree. I don't even have to leave to eat. I want to thank Kaleb and Veona for allowing me in their warm abode, but I cannot think of a way to do so.
I keep my iPod with me at all times. Veona comes in to bug me every once in a while. Did you know that her and Natsume were living together? I'm surprised that Kaleb would allow his twelve-year-old daughter to live in the same room as her boyfriend. Then again, both of their ears are real.
I wish that I could magically get my ears back. I wish my hair would grow back. Kaleb looked passed me (not metaphorically) and he looked depressed. It looked like he was looking barely passed my shoulders, but when I turned I saw nothing. He looked like he was about to cry. It was weird. And now I feel bad. I've been here a day, and I already have hurt some one.
I'm sorry Kaleb.
April 7th, 2009.
There is no hope.
There is no love.
There is no light.
There is no justice.
There is no purity.
Kaleb has everything he could ever want...
• A huge warm and cozy home on a hill.
•Two nice cars
• He's a doctor; a plastic surgeon at that.
• A smart, young, beautiful, pregnant-with-twins wife
•Three kids (not including Natsume and I)
• A dog
• And as one of Sayuri's (Kalebs wife in wich he does not deserve) friends
puts it 'everyone wants a piece of that ass'
• And from what I've heard for over ten minutes last night, his sexual life
seems hunky-fucking doory.
No matter what, he's always happy and laughing, always smiling, and is always in a good mood. He has the perfect life. God is rewarding him. This makes no since. He has fucking <i>everything</i>. EVERYTHING. And He's a
<i>Satanist</i>.
There is no hope.
There is no love.
There is no light.
There is no justice.
There is no purity.
There is no God.
April 24th, 2009
Kaleb seems to be reacting to me more than anyone else in the house. He keeps hugging me and kissing my forehead or cheeck. I was sitting at my desk, listening to my iPod and writting a paper on the seven deadly sins, and Kaleb randomly came into my room and 'glomped me' (or as he called it). Anywho, the sudden physical contact made me jump, and even shriek, wich hurt my dry throat that almost never is used.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay. I'm just not used to this."
"To what?"
"Being hugged."
Then he hugged me tighter and said
"Thats sad."
"Whats sad?"
"That you're not used to being hugged."
"..."
"I'll make you used to it."
And a few days after I got here, he said that I reminded me of him when he was a kid. Not to sound like I think highly of myslef, but, if Kaleb were like me at all when he was a child, then why is he so damn stupid now as an adult?
Or maybe... Maybe he's just lying to his family. Maybe he's not really happy. It seems too true-the ammount of happiness he holds. Or, perhaps, my search to find some one even remotly close to my state is taking over my life and making me believe in only what I want to believe. Maybe missery just loves company. Maybe. I'll never know until we get closer, and I'd honestly rather not get closer to some one as foolish and annoying as that man.
But it still intrigues me how contradicting he is. He doesn't dress like he's happy. Most of the songs on his iPod have either made me deppressed, cry, or feel dead. And while I was helpin Sayuu clean up a little bit, I noticed a bottle of perscription anti-depressents on his dresser. (I was setting their folded laundry on their bed while Sayuu prepared dinner)
Ugh. How I hated being out of my small room. Veona doesn't neccessarily realize that she's almost as bothersome as her father. But at least <i>she</i> can take a hint when I want to be left alone. Or maybe Kaleb does, he just doesn't care. If I find out that thats the case-I'm going to be pissed. Although, I don't think that I neccessarily mind when he hugs me. It just gives me a bit of getting used to. His skin is cold, like Kai's.
Come to think of it, Kaleb and Kai are much alike. They're both 'silly' and/or 'goofy'. They both randomly burst into some sort of song in the dead of silence, <u>and they both seem to laugh a lot too. But Kai is smarter. And he's deeper too.</u> (Improper grammer. The Underlined part. But I have no eraser on this pencil, for I cannot fix it. Sorry.)
These days, I've become rather articulant. As much as that bugs me. Its due to my lack of focus. The only thing that I can focus on, his Kaleb, really. He hugs me for long periods of time. And that worries me. A few days ago, we were passing notes (I did not feel like talking, as usual. I just had the bigger urge to not speak that day, and he suggested that we passed notes. I agreed.), and he grabbed my hand (like that thing that kids do when they like eachother instead of just comming out and saying 'I like you' they find excuses to brush hands with one another, such as handing eachother items), and when I gave him this look, he smiled at me.
I was scared, and slightley disturbed. I didn't say anything about it in the note. I just kind of brushed it off as another one of his 'stupid' or 'miss understood' moments, and continued on with the conversation about how I never come out of my room. It led to no where except to 'I don't like comming out because there is nothing to do but clean, and the residence of this house are rather loud.' He says that my sentence structure is 'different' from most childrens', and I had nothing to say after that.
He also needs to mind his buisness. He kept trying to get me to come down for dinner. But, I suppose that the least I could to was eat dinner with everyone else. I mean, it's not like he <i>had</i> to take my sister and I in. He didn't <i>have</i> to give us a warm place to sleep, a nice bed with a perfectly sized room, concern as of to what is happening in our lives, and concern about our mental and physical health. But he did. That makes me wonder. 'Why?' Not that I'm ungreatful, at all. In fact, I'd do anthing to tell him how much I want to say thanks. And just saying "Thank you" fifty times isn't enough. So I help with chores and such, and answer his questions instead of blowing him off like I'd like to.
Ugh. He's making me go down there with everyone. It upsets me how, they're not even a full family,and they can be as happy as they are; and my family was never that happy... Even before Mikuto died.
April 30th, 2009
Kaleb's first daughter, Veona, is not Sayuri's child. Veona was born to a bottle of some alchoholic beverage, and a class mates sweet sixteen. She also is into a variaty of things. She has that kind of 'innocently mad' texture to her. She is very childish, but evil and sinister. She enjoys techno, as well as some very violent songs, and some bone chilling ones. She has an obsession with hearing people scream and bleed, so she is a sadist, and she collects sporks. She likes chocolate, and dogs. And the colors pink and white above any other colors. She's also a terrible liar. And her voice is high pitched, that of a childs. She sounds like a five-year-old. She's also addicted to anything with sugar, and chocolate.
Jannet is here because her biological parents are alchoholics. Jannet says "Da!" often. Wich can either mean shut up, no, or stop. She also doesn't get alone well with anyone. I remember when Kaleb held her up she hit him in the head with her raddle until he put her on the couch. She was frownign the whole time, and she hits hard. She also hogs the blanket when her and Naomi are taking a nap, and she usually says "Da!" when hitting some one with her blue and yellow raddle that she had recieved from her biological family. She also takes things from Naomi, and when Naomi starts crying, they play together. She also is absolutly in love with anything and everyting "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and "Korn". I remember a time when I was walking down the stairs, and we cought eye-to-eye. I found myself sitting on my knees playing a round of patty cake with her, and then we both went back to what it was we were doing before said strange moment. I like that child.
Naomi seems to be a bit of a cry baby, but then again, Jannet it mean. Naomi also seems to enjoy watching "The Little Mermaid" and her favourite band seems to be "Meg & Dia" especialy their techno remixes. Her and Jannet both seem to cry when some one mentions the words shots, sleep, and bath. No matter how tired they truely are, they don't enjoy getting to sleep. Unless they have the dog sleep between them.
Hitaru is the dog. He is Veona's puppy, who is barely a foot long. I like that dog. There have been moments where we pass eachother, and have a bit of a stare down. Others think that we're having a 'telapathic battle' but we're not. Just saying to eachother that we are on the others' good side. Thats what the 'stare down' means.
Sayuri seems to be the only one here who makes of any since here in this mad house. Her favourite band is Linkin Park, and they sing her and Kaleb's song, "Leave Out All the Rest" She never had good luck with men. They all used to beat her or would cheat on her, posses her, makes her watch as the have sex with other women... She has scars on her wrists, like Kaleb, But also like Kaleb, she stopped quite a while ago. She's good at cooking, and she's the perfect mother figure. Kaleb was a bit of a whore, cheating on her multiple times, even if it was nothing but a one night stand. Apparantly the word 'marrige' and 'to death do us part' means nothing to the man.
Kaleb is a dumbass. He's immature, and at times seems to have his foot in his mouth. He seems to be obsessed with all that is lust. I unfortunatly found out that he was bi, in the most 'in your face' way. Insert shivering here. Amanda was over, and I, not listening to her words and forgetting to put the parental blocks back up, let her borrow my laptop... She went to a website, and changed my desktop backgrond to a picture of... Father Torhu and Kaleb doing it. When I first opened my laptop, I couldn't breathe, nor move. I felt like my eyes were going to melt. I did a complete system restore to the day AFTER I lended Amanda my laptop. Anwyho, he also has a brother nammed Anthany. Half brother nammed Anthany. They have the same dad. I'm not sure what their parents' names are, but I don't neccessarily care right now. Also, something that I forgot to ad in, his father used to abuse him, but apparantly they did some sort of family something or another, and its all honkey doory. Way to bumb some one out.
Natsume is Veona's boyfriend, and he shares a room with her here. Kaleb saved
him from an abusive mother. He saved Veona from suicide. But that is something that Kaleb is unaware of. Let's keep it that way. They actually met at a bridge. They were both going to jump. But they waited for the other to leave. Eventually, Veona being as impatient as she is, blurted out 'Why aren't you gone yet?' and they started talking after that. They met at that spot for a while, and eventually fell in love... It reminds me of Kai...
You are more than likely wondering 'How the hell do you <i>know</i> all of this stuff/shit?' Well, this entry is due to boredom, honestly. I am finished with my seven deadly sins report, other than lust wich is rather difficult for me to complete, seeing how I've never had sex. I'm not quite sure what lust is, nor do I know how it works or anything. I was going to buy some erotic books with my credit card online for research about lust, but I know nothing about erotic books, what good ones are, what detailed one are, IF they're detailed, or who writes them, or their titles.
Anywho, so I just kind of interviewed everyone. Except for Kaleb. I knew he wasn't going to be serious, he never is. So I got Sayuri to tell me the important parts. But I suppose that this information is more than just boredom. I wanted to know more about the family, so that way I didn't say something or offend. Or maybe I just wanted to know. I never do talk, after all. I also used my own observations along with this. I'm not sure if I said that already, but I do not feel like reading over what I just wrote.
I suppose this is good-bye for now. I'm bored and this is no longer entertanning me. I suppose I'll read a bit. Good-bye.
March 1st, 2009.
Lately, Kaleb has been spending time with me. He holds me at night, and such. Every now and then he'll kiss some part of my face. My forehead mainly, but sometimes my cheeks. He too, like Veona, and like Kai, is a Vampire. His special ability; reading minds.
It pisses me off. I'm not even safe in my own mind anymore. It frusturates me that I can't even <i>think</i> in peace. I feel kind of guilty letting him hold me though... But he says that I'm like a daughter to him. Honestly, I don't love Kaleb. At all. Within about five minutes of me being here, he claimed to have loved me as his daughter.
"I love you, Shono."
"What do you want me to do when you say that?"
"You could say you love me too..."
"I love you too."
then he hugged me tighter.
The only reason I say this is because it makes him happy, and it is another way of saying thank you. I wonder how sad that would make him? If he were to find out? I feel nothing for the people in this house. Other than Veona, of course. Even then, the only thing that I feel is a bit of annoyance. She's so pushy in getting people to speak. She's just like her father; so nosey and pushy...
March 3rd, 2009
My biological father came today. At least, he claims to be my biological father. He has the same purple hair, evedently, in the same boys' cut hairstyle. Mine however, was of almost no choice. His in natuarally like that. He said these exact words:
"When I was eleven, I hated my parents for randomly dropping in on me to take me away from the family that has loved me for all the years that they weren't here. I won't make you come with me, but please Shono, give it some thought. I love you. You don't have to love me, not sure if you even remember me. But I assure you, I am your father."
He has the same dark eyes I do. His are indigo, but Kara's were pitch black. He held out an old stuffed rabbit. It smelled of cotton candy, funnel cakes and corn dogs. It had long floppy ears, an 'easter colored' rainbow bow, and itself was but an array of sea green and easter pink. At times, I beleived for it to be white. It had a pink nose, with a pink line of thread looking like a wave. or a '3' on it's back, with the curved ends spread out more, and the millde point up more. I am being articualnt again.
When I reached out for it, he handed it to me. I remembered being at a festival of some sort. Or a carnival, or a circus. No, it was a fair. I had long hair, and my bangs were once again in existance. I was wearing a light pink skirt, a sweater the same shade of light pink, and a hair band the same shade of pink. I also had shiny black shoes, and white tights. Kara was there. She was holding my right hand, and some one was holding my left hand. It was him. Hotaru. My biological father. Every time we came across a cord, They would pick my up by my hands, and I'd jump over the cords. My dad had won that rabbit for me on one of those 'ring toss' games. It was my birthday. It was... strange... Like a vision. I could feel their hands holding mine, I could smell the air, and I could feel the exitement... In my heart, I felt a warm, aching pain.
"Do you remember it?" he asked.
I bit the inside of my lip to make it unnoticeable that I was about to cry.
"I do."
"One last chance, Shono. Please. Before you decide, let me spend one last day with you."
Tomarrow, he's taking me to the fair again.
March 4th, 2009
It's about 10 o'clock at night. Hotaru had gotten me at 12 in the afternoon. It was great. We rode on almost every ride, with the exception of all the kiddie rides. Dad was too big to ride in them, and I didn't feel like going in them alone. Dad. It's hard to not smile. It's hard to not cry.
The last thing we did, was the ferris wheel.
"Do you like it, Shono?"
"Yes. It's beautiful."
"Do you remember the promise I made?"
I looked at him, waiting for an explanation.
"You wanted to ride the ferris wheel last, with me. But it started raining, and they had to close the park. And I promised that, some day, I would ride
the ferris wheel with you. I promised."
"All these years, and you still kept a promise that I didn't even remember..?"
"Of course. A promise is a promise."
A tear rolled down my cheek as I hugged my dad. My real father.
He cried, and held me too. I ended up falling asleep in the car ride home. He must've carried my up to my room... No. He wouldn't do that. He probably just handed me over to Kaleb, and then he tucked me in...
I felt so warm. I cried. But I wasn't sure why. Tears of joy? Sarrow? Pitty?
No, not joy. Not sarrow. Not pitty...
Relief. Relief that I have a father. Relief that I have a parent that loves me. Relief that I have at least one blood relative left.
Relief that there is a chance for me to live.
March 6th, 2009
As much as I love my dad, and as much as I loved that warm feeling, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go with him back to Hong Kong. It would have been better. If I had left this place. It would have helpped me forget. Helped me forget Kai. Forget Serina. Forget Mikuto. Forget Kara. Forget this pain. But it's the happiest memories that always hurt the most.
April 1st, 2009
Today is Veona's birthday. It suits her.
April 14th, 2009
Today is Mikuto's death day. I placed Carnations and red and white roses on his grave. He likes those colors. And the Carnations... For his humor.
April 20th, 2009
Kaleb kissed me. On the lips. A real kiss. I kissed him back. I... liked it... A lot. His lips are cold. And I have always felt warm in his arms. But he's being immature about it. He won't answer any of my questions. He's just denying it all. It makes me so angry. You don't just kiss some one, and then deny that it ever even happened. I mean, I kissed him back. I felt my heart flutter even... I...
He was holding me, as usual, and the air conditioner was on. I was cold. He put hte blanket over me. The my ears started to twitch because of the wind from the air conditioner. (I'm not sure If I had already stated this in any previous entires/before, but Kaleb gave me my ears back.) and he started playing with them. I was half asleep. I didn't mind it. Then he kissed me. I suddenly felt my whole body feel so relieved. I know this is so strange, I mean its KALEB. He's... OLD. (only about 20 years of age.. but STILL.) And.. MARRIED. With.. CHILDREN. And... Kai... And... Illegal.. And... I love him.
May 1st, 2009
I've decided, that Kaleb wasn't being immature. I love him, yes. But I'd rather not be a home-wrecker. He's too old for me, he's fianally got it right; the whole 'American Dream' bullshit thing he's got goin' on. I'd rather not ruin that. I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. Besides, even if I DID decide to try to carry on with this relationship, I'm sure that while Sayuri's not at work, she'll notice that he pays a bit too much attention to me. Veona will start to wonder if Kaleb loves me more than her, Natsume might stumble in, Yojima and Natsu would probably hold us for black mail, Amanda would tease me about it, and Sayuri would probably go into a deep spiralling depression, and then leave Kaleb, and then he'd start cutting again, and it would all be my fault.
So, fuck that. I know that eventually I'll get over it. Quicker than Kai. Not that I ever promised that I'd be with him forever, or that I'd save my ears for him (then again, I never really said that I'd give them to anyone else, now did I?), or anything like that. I just still feel so guilty about the whole thing. I told Kaleb about it, and he said
"That's why I denied it. Nothing good can come of this. It's not worth the pain."
"Some relationships are just never ment to be."
and we left it at that.
Honestly... I'm shocked. Amazed. Kaleb thought of that within seconds; as if it were an instinct... Yet, it took me ten days to figure that out...
I suppose that he's more mature than I thought. He just doesn't show it... Maybe he's afraid of being serious? I have also come to the conclusion that there is a god. Theory:
Vampires are Demons.
Demons come from hell.
Hell comes from Satans existance.
Satan is there because <i>God</i> casted him away.
Veona, Kaleb, and Kai could not possibly be here without God.
"Besides. Our wings arent' silver. Mine and Sayuri's are."
"Wings?"
I'll explain in the next entry. I am far to tired to stay awake now.
May 14th, 2009
It turns out, everyone has a set of angel wings... Well almost everyone, I'll get to that part in a little bit.
Everyone has a set of angel wings. They're just not all white. And not everyone can see them. Only those who are aware of the demons of this world can see them. The wings are supposed to reveal their state or things about people.
•White-Pure (Like an Angel)
•Yellow-Has no forever buddy. (A forever buddy is some one that You'll spend the rest of forever with.)
•Green-Jaded
•Silver-Found the person that they will spend the rest of forever with
•Purple with Silver speckles-Found/Is with their 'would have been forever
buddy' (A 'would have been forever buddy' is some one who would have been their forever buddy... If it werent for some one, or a certain event that took place to make you have met your forever buddy, etc, etc.)
•Grey-Depressed
•Black-Lost, Broken, No hope, cannot me saved; fallen. (At this point your feathers begin to fall off, and your wings after words. You can break off some one's wings, causing them to be foresaken in the name of God, and dammed to hell for all of eternity. But only higher beings can do so.)
•Sky Blue-Innocent
•Silvery/Pearly Sky Blue-The kind of Mad innocence. Like Veona, she's an
innocent small child.. Yet she is mentally insane.
•Red-Forever endulged in hatred, regret, and or anger.
•And that is all that I know of.
May 26th, 2009
Tomarrow is my Birthday. Kaleb said that he had something special for me, but It won't be here until tomarrow. I still can't help to wonder what it is. I've grown rather attached to these people.
Veona, Kaleb, Jannet, Naomi, Natsume, Amanda, Sayuri, Natsu, Yojima... I'd say that they've become my friends. I love them. In a family kind of way. Even Kaleb. I decided that I never really loved him.. I just had no were to put all of these physical emotions/feelings that were randomly developing. (I am of that age). I thank myself for not being stupid and trying things. But he's okay. I still don't see him as a father immage, just as an older brother. He's Sayuri's husband, and Veona's and Naomi's father. I'm not taking that away from neither of them. I've also started eating properly, and I've stopped dreaming. I sleep regularly, and I don't even <i>want</i> to cut anymore.
I feel great.
May 27th, 2009
Kaleb called for me to be outside today. I felt especially happy today. I don't even know why. He said that he had a present for me. Veona and I had just finnished a rather strange and awkward conversation about necromancing. It was actually realy funny.
"Wouldn't it not even feel good because she's been dead for years? What if she has like, maggots crawling inside of her or something?"
"Veona, you don't always have to have sex with the body to bring them back you know..."
"I know. But it's just funny that some people get that in their minds..."
"What if it's just a fettish and they use that as an excuse?"
"Ewww.... Vaginal maggots."
And then we both started laughing uncontrollably. Then I started with my question again.
"Sometimes, you can just do a ritual, right?"
"Yup! Tenchi just has to kiss them."
"Whose Tenchi?"
"Kuma's husband."
"...Who is Kuma?"
"My Daddy's Cousin."
"Kaleb has a cousin?"
"Yup!"
And then Kaleb called me down.
When I walked out to the garden, I saw my angel standing there, smiling. With his arms out, waiting for an embrace. His blond hair, some what curly. He was wearing his usual black shirt, and grey baggy pants, a pair of Vans, and the cross necklace that his mother had given to him... Exactly what he was wearing the day he died. His silver wings were matched mine.
I ran to his arms, and pressed my lips to his, tears streaming down my face.
"I love you, Shono"
"I love you too, Kai."
You speak to me
I know this will be temporary
You ask to leave
But I can tell you that I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome has gone and I've waited long enough
To make it
And if you're so strong
You might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go.
Step up to me
I know that you've got something buried
I'll set you free
You set conditions but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone
And I've waited long enough
To make it
And if you're so strong
You might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go.
Come back home
Won't you come back home?
You step in line
You've got a lot to prove
It comes and goes
Yeah, it comes and goes
A step in time
Yeah, it's a lot to move
I know this will be temporary
I know this will be temporary
I know this will be, but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone
And I've waited long enough
To make it
And if you're so strong
You might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go
I can't take it
This welcome is gone
And I've waited long enough
To make it
And if you're so strong
You might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go.
The picture is drawn by a friend. That is what the main character looks like.
