.Ch.1.
.Emma.
I walked into the small apartment. We sat down on the couch, and he asked "Emma, are you okay? You seem a little... Distant. What's wrong?" I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see the look that would be on his face when I told him the news. Great Emma. You've been in this country for a few weeks-maybe not even that and you've already fucked things up for the worst. My stomach in too many knots to count, I took a deep breath before I started it all.
"I'm pregnant."
At first, there was silence. No one said nothing. My stomach felt like led-as well as my mouth, and I was shaking. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it. "Marry me." When I looked up at him in shock, he was holding a ring, and smiling. "I love you, Emma. Please marry me." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. I was stupid. "Yes." I said, without even thinking, aftraid to hurt the first person that I was supposed to make a new beginning with.
A few weeks later, Nanami and I were escorted to a near by rehab facility. Me, for cutting. Him, for heroin. It was the same rehab. It was small, but it had a warm cozy feeling to it. We were showed around, and then to our room. Room 323. There were no sharp edges ion the room anywhere. All of the pencils were rather dull, and were dubble sided. The only eraser was a moldable one. Very hard to burn yourself with.
When I woke up the next day, I saw him asleep. He looked so cute. I kissed his lips, and he woke up. "Hey." Nanami whispered. "Hey." I whispered back. He kissed me, and I kissed him back. "I love you." he said. "I love you too." I lied. Although it was a lie, as the days went on, the more he said it... The more it was true. I did love him. Months later, we were cured. As part of my recovery, I had to continue therapy.
I sat down on a chair that folded into a bed in a room that smelled of Vanilla. An older woman with her hair up in a bun walked into the room and sat down. She grabbed a notebook and a pen, and sat down on the chair across from me. She wrote a few things down, and looked at me. "Okay, Emma. Begin."
I hesitated, trying to find out where to begin. "Well... I don't remember it much, but Lizzie-" she inturrupted me. "Who is Lizzie?" I continued, annoyed that she cut me off. "Lizzie is my twin sister, Elizabeth. Anyway," I heard her pen scratching against paper. "It was our fourt or fifth birthday, and my mom was going to get us a puppy from the local pet shop. She parked in the back, and dropped us off in the front. There was a door to go in through the back, but she made us go to the front. She told us to wait outside. She went inside the pet shop, and never came back out. Eventually, we were walking around, and Lizzie knocked on a big houses door. I never questioned her; Elizabeth was like God to me. I always trusted her. They ended up taking us in. It was an orphanage. St.Partick's orphanage. The headmaster, William... He..."
I felt my throat tighten up and my eyes water. My mouth got dry, and I couldn't talk at first. I'd open my mouth a few times for no sound to come out. I couldn't say it straight up. There was just no way. "He enjoyed the children more than any of the sisters in the house. He liked to see us alone, in his office. Sometimes I still dream about those big oak doors with the golden handles and hinges. He'd take turns on me and Lizzie. We did it to save Mary from the pain." I felt multiple tears run down my cheeks, even at the beginning of the sentence. "Who is Mary?" the physiatrist asked. "Mary is a little girl that he starred at often. She's only ten. At the time, she was only five. We couldn't let him touch her. She was a close friend of ours. Lizzie and I are five years apart from Mary. I'm not sure who, or how many children other than Lizzie and I that he touched, but I know we weren't the only ones... We just couldn't have been... There's just no way." The woman stopped writting, and spoke.
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"How do you know that you're not just convincing youself for self closure?"
Silence.
At the beginning of the silence, she looked at her watch. I continued after a while, saying to myself that I'd ponder that later. She looked at her watch as I began, and wrote a few things down. "Eight years later, Lizzie had enough saved to move out of England to America. She said that there, no one would know us. That was only half true. We found our biological father. His name is Jason. I have a lot of half brothers. Right now, I'm living with Nanami." She inturrupted me again. "Who is Nanami?" I responded "Nanami is my fiancè." I responded, smiling. She wrote more in her notebook.
"I remember... A few years before we left. We were twelve. Elizabeth told me that she knew." "Knew what? She asked, with extra emphasis on the 'h' in 'what'. "..She said that she knew mom was going to leave us. Thats how she knew where we were going to stay. And that was how she knew how to get to the orphanage. She told me that she over heard mom talking to dad on the phone. She said that she said 'if I leave them, will you come back?' I ran out of the house into the yard. It was snowing. Well, it did. The snow was frozen solid. I was in a pair of pants and a short sleeve shirt. I had no socks or shoes. I was just so upset. I don't even know what. I slipped, and I got burned on my arm. Some one nammed Nathan helpped me. We became good friends for years. We even dated for a year before I came out here with Lizzie, Roxxi and Mary." I stopped, waiting for her to ask me who Roxxi was. She did. "Roxxi and Mary are my only friends in St.Patricks. They came with us here." I explained. She continued to write down a few things.
After that, I left. I came home, and sat down on the couch to find Nanami not in the living room like I expected. I went into our bedroom, and he wasn't there either. I decided that he was just making an ass out of himself somewhere with Kaleb, and decided to go to bed early (after a snack or two of course). In January when I had my ultra sound, I couldn't take the suspense anymore. "Umm... I have to know. Is it a boy, or a girl?" the ultra technition smiled at me. "Emma, it's a baby boy." Ayomè said. I smilied, and almost cried. When I went home, I was still shakey, and I was crying. Nanami came out of the kitchen, and he asked what was wrong. His eyes widened, and he asked me one more time. I suppose that in those days I had a hard time speaking, wether the news be good or bad.
"It's a boy."
That night, Nanami and I both decided on a name. Adam.
But that was so long ago. Everthing was so different back then. Things have changed. The months passed. March 23rd, when I gave birth, they told me.
It was a miscarrige.
.Ch.2.
.Emma.
Two months passed, and I was in the proccess of doing my best to be strong. Nanami got back into drugs, wich was nothing less than predictable. I still tried to stay strong. "Nanami, I'm going to my sisters, kay?" I said, grabbing my keys. "Okay." he replied, watching T.V. I stood by the door, waiting for him to say it.
Still, we were not married. After Adam died, Nanami seemed to say the sentence that I was waiting to hear less and less. So I just said it. "I love you." my voice cracked when I spoke. "Love you too." he said, not taking his eyes off the T.V. I looked down for a bit, contemplating on if I should talk to him about it or not. Then I realized that I should just leave it alone. We would have end up fighting, and I would have said something that might have hurt him. Lately, thats all this was. Trying not to hurt eachother. But for some reason, everytime I looked at Nanami, I tried not to cry. I don't know to this day, what it is about him that made me cry.
I opened the door, and walked out of the house. When I left, I felt so much tensity leave my muscles.
.Nanami.
I was wondering why it took Emma forever and a half to leave. But then I decided that she just randomly spaced out. Its something that she does every little now and then. Just kind of travels off to her own little world. She'll get a snowball thought and it'll bring her back to reality. We all do it sometimes, so It didn't really bother me. What did bother me was what she said before she left. I didn't love Emma anymore. I hadn't realized this until the baby was dead.
I didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't do it. Emma was very upset with me. Kaleb understood. He understood that I couldn't do it. Understood that I can't stand to cry, especially in front of people. He understood that I have this habbit of holding things in. I wasn't even watching T.V. I was trying to figure out how I was going to leave Emma. And where she would go when I left her. She said that under any circumstances, she would never live with Kaleb again because he's a fuck and has like a million kids that are all loud and out of control. They're still a happy family. Veona's just kind of... very messed up in the head.
The phone rang, and I jumped, spilling my drink all over my pants. "Shhit!" I said. I answered the phone, now annoyed. "What?" There was a laugh, then an aswer.
"Did I scare ya?"
"What do you want, Kaleb?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to know if you want to come over. Veona invinted a new game and it's fun as hell."
"That child is disturbed."
"And we aren't? Come on."
"Alright, let me change my pants."
"Got cum on your pants?"
"No, ass. When you called me I jumped and spilled beer on them."
Kaleb laughed at me and said "Alright man, see ya."
"See ya." I replied, hanging up the phone.
When I pulled up to Kalebs unreasonably out-in-the-middle-of-fucking-nowhere house, I was greeted with Veona shouting "There's one!" and a dart on my head. "May I help you, Veona?" I said, annoyed as I removed the dart from my head. "Yup. Choose one! North, South, or East?" she responded. "What about west?" I asked. "Fuck west!" she responded, "those back stabbing bitches can die! And they did." The last sentence was fallowed by an evil smile. There was a long awkward pause. "Where's Kaleb?" I said. "Daddy's in the house." I went inside. As I opened the door, Veona was still shouting at me seeing how I never answered her question.
Kaleb walked out, wearing some old clothes that he hasn't worn since collage. "You might wanna change. The kids have waterballoons filled with ink." He handed me a bag of clothes. "You can wear these. You're on the Northern Team." "Why is that?" I asked. "Because Veona's going to kick your ass unless you do." that sounded just about right. So, instead of arguing, I just went into the bathroom to change.
Some one opened the door. It wasn't Sayuri, Kaleb's wife, or else she would have screamed. I turned around, in my boxers, to see some one else. Some one I've never met before. His hair that was a bit passed his shoulders was also a beautiful golden blond, and parted to his right. His bangs reached his chin. He was wearing a horizontally black and white striped sweater, something that you'd probably find at the local Hollister or Aèropostale. He was also wearing a pair of jeans, and some white shoes. He had a blue hat with an orange front and orange lid in his right hand. His eyes were the prettiest ceralean blue.
He starred at me for a moment, then he slowly closed the door and said "Sorry!" I stepped out, and he walked in and apologized one more time. "Finally! What takes you so long to change?" Veona complained. I fallowed her and Kaleb to her room, and she screamed. The only OCD that Veona has is her bed being perfect. There was a pillow out of place. We all heard laughing out of the window. Veona looked out of the window, to see Valery, a friend of hers. "Valery, you hick!" she shouted out of the window. "I'm going to kick your ass!" Valery laughed and said "Why would you do that? I'm the only one who knows where your watch guard is!" Veona gasped and ran down the hall. "Veona, stop running in the house!" Saryuri shouted. "They have our guard!" Veona shouted, running out of the house.
Sayuri looked at Kaleb, looking for a explanation. I did too. "They have the dog." he explained. "Ah." Sayuri said, walking down the hall. "Kaleb, what the hell is going on?" I asked. Kaleb sighed and sat down. "Natsume, Youjima, and Valery and Nate are over and Sayuri made the mistake of letting them decide what was for dinner. Everyone starting fight all at once so Veona shouted into the megaphone 'The last team standing decides our nightly feast tonight!' After that, we split into teams. Valery and Nate are on the Southern Team, Natsu and Youjima are on the Western Team, and Jannet and Naomi are on the Eastern Team, but we haven't seen her throughout the whole game.You, me, Veona, Natsume and Hitaru are on the Norhtern team. Western Team was in an aliance with us-but they were really working for the Southern Team. Veona found out, and easily captured them. They are now our slaves. Northern Team wants take out, Western Team wanted some sort of casoroll, Eatern Team wants some sort of dish, and southern team wants speghetti. Also, I think that Jannet stopped playing. Wich means that Naomi probably did too."
Naomi and Veona are Kaleb's children. He adopted Jannet. Natsu and Yojima are Veona and Natsume's friends. Valery is Veona's closest friend, and Nate is her boyfriend. Natsu and Yojima are dating, as well as Veona and Natsume. Naomi is just about the only one that Jannet talks to. They're the same age, Naomi was just born first. But in maturity, Jannet is older. Hitaru, or the watch guard, is Veona's puppy.
Kaleb and I walked out of the house, and found Veona in the back yard, having Valery at gunpoint. Er... Watergun point. "Give me my dog!" she shouted. "I want speghetti!" Veona stepped forward, and Valery stepped back.
"My dog, now!"
"Surrender!"
"No, you wench!"
Valery fired the first shot, but missed. Veona shot Valery with purple ink. "Veona! This was a nice shirt!" Valery shot Veona, and it hit her pants. "Why wear it then?" she asked, in a teasing voice. "Because I didn't know that you'd be insane on dealing with dinner!" she shouted. Eventually, both of them covered in blue and purple ink, they were low on amunition.
Veona took a step, and Kaleb and I fallowed. Valery began to laugh. "Now!" she shouted. Kaleb and I looked above us, and were suddenly drenched in red ink. If Northern Team has purple ink, Southern has blue, Western had green, and Eastern had... Red? I thought that Jannet and Naomi weren't playing... oh shit. Suddenly, Veona shrieked. Kaleb looked to the left, as did I. Veona was in a net.
Jannet and Naomi stepped from the tree. Behind her, Jannet was holding Nate, and a pair of scissors. Jannet said, "Valery, give up or I'll cut his hair." Valery dropped to her knees "No! Not his perfect hair! I'll do anything!" She sounded genuinly scared. "Then give up, bitch!" Jannet shouted. "I give up!" she said. Jannet frowned. "Proove it!" Valery pressed a button on her watch, and then from the speakers that Veona set up in the trees I heard some one shout "Southern Team gives up!" Jannet dropped Nate, who was passed out, and then dropped the scissors. She then went to Naomi and picked up a bag that she had in her hands. Jannet opened up the bag, and held out a small white dog from the back of it's neck.
"Noo! Leave Hitaru alone!"
A deliciously evil smile painted itself upon Jannet's lips.
"You know what I want."
Veona pressed a button on her watch, and an announcement came on:
"Northern Team has given up. Southern Team wins!
After the announcment, everyone went home to shower, and then came back. Not everyone was back until four, and the meal itslef took two hours to prepare. A little bit after dinner, I decided it was time to go home. I walked out of the house, and Christopher fallowed me. "Hey." he said. I said hi, and then I kissed him. What the hell was I thinking? I have no clue. He kissed me back. I licked and nibbled at his lips and he opened his mouth. We moved out tongues together, and I sucked on his tongue. I whispered in his ear: "I want you." He giggled, and held up my left hand. "Nope. I don't want to crush her. Leave her first, and I'll think about it." I was shocked. "I-I can't leave Emma." He giggled. "Too bad. I'm really good in bed, on chair, table, floor, and against wall." I blushed, and responded. "I don't love her anyway. And she's just my fiancè. Wait here." I walked out a bit and grabbed my cellphone.
.Emma.
I came home, to see that Nanami wasn't back yet. "He probably ended up staying for dinner." I told myself. My cellphone rang, and I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Emma."
"Hey Nanami."
"Emma...."
"Yes?"
"I'm leaving you. There's just nothing left anymore... I can't lie to you anymore... I'm sorry."
Silence.
"Thank you."
"What?"
"You're right."
I said, with my voice steady. The truth is, I've never cried so hard before in my life.
"You're okay with it then? You have a place to stay? You're not getting the house."
"I don't want your home. Yeah, I have a friend I can stay with."
"Okay good. See ya."
The line went dead.
I showed up, half an hour later, at Lacey's house. Lacey is a girl who used to live in the orphanage. She moved out when she was eighteen, and came looking for me. "Hey Lacey... You still need a roomate to help with the bills?" I said. I knew my eyes were red and poofy. I knew my voice was cracking. I just didn't care anymore.
"Oh, Emma. He didn't." She moved out of the doorway, and let me in. I set my things in the empty room, my new room. "Yeah. He did. But it's okay. It's so much work being in a relationship with him. Between the drugs and the messed up childhood. Nothing out of my mouth is what I wanted to say." Except that I love him. "I was so afraid of fighting, I-" Lacey cut me off. "So, wait. He just randomly left you? You guys didn't even fight? Not once?" "Yeah. Thats right." I responded. "Oh, Emma... It's going to hurt even worse-there are so many things left unsaid. You can't just end it like that and not say those things... It'll eat at you, and it will be harder for you to get over him. Did he say why he left you?" I began to unpack, and I sniffled. "He said that there was nothing left anymore, and that he doesn't love me." When I said the last reason, I bursted into tears. Ihave never heard myself cry like that before. I was cradeling even. "Emma..." Lacey got down on her knees and held me. After about an hour of me crying in her arms, she said something. Something that I knew, but denied. Something that I didn't want to belive. Something that I was afraid to even think, but I knew... I knew it was true. "There's some one else, ya know." she said subtly. "I know."
That night, I sat on my bed, with a towel wrapped tightly around my wrist.
Why won't it stop bleeding...?
.Ch.3.
.Emma.
It's been months since Nanami left me for a one night standee. I've been living with Lacey, and I decided to go off to college. Lately, I really haven't been giving a damn about anything, one way or the other. Often, Lacey would do things that would usually annoy me. Either, I didn't care, or it just upright pissed me off. At first I thought that I was just PMSing, but... PMS doesn't last for months at a time. It was cold, as usually, and I sat down next to Lacey on the couch.
"Sup girl. Where were you last night? You didn't come home till four. Get ya some?" she asked.
"No. I was working."
"At four in the morning?"
"Yeah. Wal Mart is open 24/7 you know."
"Damn."
"Hey, Emma?"
"Yeah."
"We need money."
"I've noticed." I said, handing her a stack of bills.
"No, I mean splurging money. I have the bills paid already."
"What do we need to splurge on?"
"Stuff."
"How are we going to get the money for splurging? We both have expensive taste, you know that."
"Hey, I've got an idea-"
"I'm not stirpping, going into prostitution, nor am I going to be in a porno."
There was a long silence after that. Suddenly, Lacey jumped up and went into the supply closet. She grabbed a cardboard box that had 'USPS' stamps all over it, and sat back down next to me. She pulled to coffee table closer to the couch, and sat the box down. "Just, what exactly are you doing?" I asked. "Getting you to get us money." she responded, searching through the box.
"Why me?"
"Because you're straight."
"I told you I'm not going into prostitution."
"Your not going to, just trust me."
Lacey pulled out a year book. She opened it, and wrote down a list of names. The game was simple enough; we'd ask them out, and make them buy us stuff. I know that originally, I was supposed to do this, but how was I supposed to get him to buy stuff for my friend when he wanted to get into my pants?'
I came home three weeks later, covered head-to-toe in Hot Topic. Lacey was prancing around in some lingere. Her slutty plan worked. They often tried to get some on the first date. Lacey found her parents, and were loaded. They put her in an expensive school. All of they guys there we also, very much so loaded. One day is all it took. I came up to the counter with a couple hundred dollars of stuff, while Micheal waited outside of the store. The counter lady had black messy and fluffy pig tails with one red streak in it. She was wearing a black shirt with detachable fishnet sleeves. "Hey, you come in here every week with a different guy waiting on you. How do you do this?" she asked me. So she noticed. "All it takes hun is two buttons." I said. She looked at my shirt and realized that the top two weren't buttoned. "Have you slept with any of them yet?" she asked, putting more items in a bag. "Nope. A kiss on the cheeck if they're lucky." I said, smiling.
I came home late again, but more bored than tired. "Hey girl-" Lacey's mood changed as soon as she saw my face. "You look upset." she announced, with concern in her voice. "Nope. Just bored. I'm tired of dating these guys. They're always grabbing my ass and It's fucking cold outside. I enjoy wearing clothes, ya know? And I can't really find anything else I want. I'm bored." I said, throwing my bag on the coffee table and plopping on the couch. "Already? You get bored easily." she said, sitting down next to me. "Yup." I said. Lacey grabbed a ciggarette and lit it. She took a hit and offered me one. "No thanks, I don't smoke." I replied. "Oh yeah, thats right. You drink that fancy wine." she said to me. Lacey blew out smoke, and looked over to me. "You'll never be happy if you settle this." she said. I looked down, ashamed of myself.
.Nanami.
I woke up the next day, bare next to Christopher. He was laying on his stomach. He had his left arm on the pillow, and his hand in a light fist. His head was resting on his right arm. His beautiful hair barely covered his face. Even though it's cold, and even after the amount of fluids that were on his lips last night, still, they were perfect. They were still pure-soft, and warm. I gently pressed my lips to his, and he woke up. He kissed me back before opening his eyes for the first time that day.
He smiled at me and I held him.
"Nanami?"
"Yes?"
At first, he was hesitant.
"Can we actually go out?" he asked me. His blue eyes seemed that of a childs. I smiled, and lightly kissed him. "I wouldn't rather have it any other way." We kissed one final time before starting the day, and it never felt so right. Months passed, and we were still together.
.Emma.
I was working late, at three in the morning as usual, when I saw a few of my co-workers, Bradly and Jacob walk by, snickering and laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked, leaning against the return counter. "You hear about the new guy?" Bradly asked me. "I heard that there is a new guy." I responded. Jacob started laughing, and asked me "Remember when you first started working here, and we dumped soda on you?" I bit the inside of my cheek before responding "And you stained my employee shirt and I had to buy a new one, yes?" Both Bradly and Jacob bursted laughing. "Well, we locked the new guy in the freezer." They were laughing so hard that they were holding onto their stomachs and their faces were so red. I even saw Jacob cry a little. I sighed, annoyed, and grabbed the keys to the freezer slash milk storage room. As I walked to the other end of the store, I heard Bradly shout "Oh come on, Baby, don't be a buzz kill!" I responded by flipping them off, and Jacob shouted "Awwww, Emma, that wasn't very nice!"
Even from the other side of the store I could still hear them laughing. I unlocked the door, and opened it. Suddenly some one grabbed the keys from my hands, pushed me to the ground and shut the door. "Ha! Now we're <i>both</i> stuck in here, fucker-oh. Oh shit." I got back up and dusted myself off. "You dick! I was trying to help you. And the door is unlocked." I said to him. "Well, uh... You see... I kinda locked it from the outside after I pushed you down. I'm sorry, I thought that you were one of those jerks." he responded, scratching his the back of his head. It's alright, I guess. No harm done other than the fact that we are now both going to catch pnemonia and die." I said, pulling up a box and sitting down. He sat down next to me and asked "What's your name?" I blushed slightly, and responded. "Emma. What's yours?" He smiled, and replied "Juun."
He hugged me, and I asked him what the hell he was doing. "I'm holding you for body heat." he responded, smiling. "Whatever." I responded, laughing. We ended up falling asleep in there until the manager realized that no one was at the return desk, and found us. Bradly and Jacob were fired, and Juun and I were told to take the day off and to call in if we were sick the next day.
"You need a ride?" he asked me. I smiled.
"Is it warm?"
"It has heating."
I got in the passenger's seat of his Kia Ceed. He drived me home, and we ended up exchanging numbers. "It was fun scarring the late night customers by pushing the milk cartons closer and closer to them." I said laughing. "It was." he said to me, smiling. "Thanks for the ride. And the warmth." I said blushing. "Thanks for the company and the number." he responded, smiling. We said goodbye, and I walked inside. Lacey fell asleep on the couch, probably waiting for me. I pulled the blanket that she used over her shoulders, and went to my room. I got into my sleeping clothes, and under my blanket.
I rested my head on my pillow, and fell asleep smiling.
.Ch.4.
.Emma.
I woke up from my memory of months before now. I looked over to my boyfriend. He ws talking up most of the bed, but it made up seeing how I was a blanket hog. I walked my bare body into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. In the shower, I grabbed the scissors and held the blade clean accross my wrists. No point in going down, it'd just cut my tendons. Not like I could have died anyway. I can't die. I let the blood mix with the cold water in the shower. Not enough to bleed for a very long time, but enough to bleed and scar up.
I ran the shampoo and conditioner through my hair. I always did it all at once. The water reaches a numbing tempature that takes my breath away on contact. Sometimes it even paralizes me. I need to leave the shower as soon as I can.
I got out, and looked at my discusting body in the mirror. I looked at my hair, and realized that my roots were growing in. A girl with pink hair-people see me as easy that way. That's why I decided to dye it black. I opened all three of the sides of the mirror so I couldn't see myself as I dried off my pale skin and hair with the towel. I grabbed a pink short sleeved shirt, and a pair of pants. On top of those jeans, I put a black mini-skirt that had a built in belt with it. It was just there for looks, and it did its job well. I blow dired my hair straight, and I grabbed my glove. I only had one. I gave the right glove to Lizzie. She's left handed, and I'm right handed. Her scars are on her right arm, as mine are on my left. The glove was black from above my elbow to the base of my fingers. I finished my make up (wich was nothing more than mascara and eyeliner) and walked out of the bathroom.
Juun, still nude, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I kissed him back. "Hey babe." he greeted me. "Hey." I said, smiling. He kissed my lips one more time, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I waited by the door, smiling. A few seconds later, he came out. "Forgot my clothes." he said. I giggled to myself and I went into the bathroom one more time to make extra sure that my messes were well cleaned, and hidden.
Juun and I had been together for a matter of months. Not a full year.It was around the sixth or seventh month when our relationship took a turn. It was spontanious-nothing was set up... But it was still so perfect.
We had just got back from work, and were both exhausted. "I freaking hate sample day." Juun said. "At least your not the one who has to prepare for it. There are just people everywhere." I said, setting my bag on the table. "They get in my way of those huge ass carts that I have to push around. I almost ran over a small child because I couldn't see her." I went into the fridge and grabbed a glass of orange juice. "Honestly," I said after a few drinks "that was the kid's fault. She shouldn't have strayed away from her mother." Juun sighed as he took off his Wal-Mart vest. "I know, but they still blammed me."
I put the orange juice back into the fridge, and turned around to see Juun inches from me. I shrieked, and then laughed. "You just scared the shit out of me." He wrapped his arms around me, and gently pressed his warm lips to mine. "I love you, Emma." I smiled, "I love you too." he kissed me one last time.
"Marry me."
.Nanami.
Christopher and I were at some random french restuarant that he absolutly adored. "Oh, I love this song!" Christopher said. "What song is it?" I asked, surprised that he knew the song. "It's Làm Sao Có Em by Khánh Hà. It's a love song." He said, smiling. I smiled and laughed a bit. I knew that he was fluent in French. It was still amazing.
I guess now is a time better than ever.
I thought, knowing it was improper grammar. I was shaking, and I felt my stomach drop. It was hard to move. I was almost too afraid to.
I got kneeled, and took Christopher's hand. I have to say it now. It's too late to turn back. "Christopher, I've never loved some one as much as I love you. You've made me the happiest I've ever beend." He even got me to stop with all the drugs. "Please Christopher, Marry me."
.Emma..Nanami.
I smiled widley and embraced him. I was so happy that I cried.
"Yes."
.Emma.
It was about two weeks after Juun had proposed, and I had yet to tell anyone. (Lizzie just had the feeling, and called me the day after to ask If he did. When I said yes, she abruptly hung up the phone. I had a feeling she slammed it and shouted afterwords.) I was shopping for groceries, thinking that I'd make some sort of soup for dinner. I grabbed a plastic bag, and put a few leeks in it when some one had ran their cart into mine. I looked up to see who it was. "Oh, Emma. I'm so sorry!" Sayuri said, removing Veona from the front of the cart. "While I was getting the grapes, demon spawn over here decided to take the basket." she said laughing. Veona frowned. "That was rude Sayuri." Then she smiled, telling me that she wasn't truely offended. "I wanted to find the Cheez-Its, and then I saw you first." I smiled. "Emma, have you seen Kaleb? He found Nanami and I haven't seen him since. I swear, he's like a twelve-year-old boy sometimes." Sayuri said to me. "No, I haven't seen him. But if I find him. I'll tell him that you're looking for him, kay?" I responded. "That would be great. He has the keys. Alright, thank you." Sayuri said "Welcome." I said waving them off.
I had to make a trip to the frozen foods section for some things that Juun had requested. I looked at the list Juun gave me, and read it out loud. "Pizza rolls, corn dogs, and mozerella sticks... Jeez, Juun. You eat like a frat boy." I said, opening the door to the many finger-food items. As I reached for the pizza rolls, I heard a conversation from the other side...
"Kaleb, you'll never guess what."
"What?"
"I asked Christopher to marry me, and he said yes!"
"Oh, Nanami! That's great!"
"I'm not going to hold off the wedding this time-not like I did Emma."
I gasped.
"Yeah. I was surprised when you told me that you and her were even dating."
"I know, what was I thinking? Boobies are gross. Babies are bad, but boobies are worse. I mean, I'm gay"
Then they both started laughing.
I was crushed. I felt my heart empty itself out I heard their footsteps leave, and come up the isle that I was in. Kaleb asked me a question: "Emma, how long have you been here?" I closed the freezer door, and replied to him. "This isle, just now. By the way, Sayuri is looking for you." I continued on grabbing the things from the freezers, and proceeded to the check out.
I drove myself home in silence. When I got there, I put the groceries away, and sat down on Juun and I's bed. I held onto his pillow. I held it close to me. Why should that have bothered me at all? I said, staring into space with tears starting up. I thought that I was over him... I could feel the emptiness and pain gather in my heart once more. But... It was there all along. Just covered up. It finally decided to emerge to the surface, and take effect. So... All this time... He... Never at least... He could've told me that he didn't... We didn't have to get... Why...? at this point, I was trembling and everything I saw was blurred by my own tears.
I suddenly wasn't myself. I was a child, dealing with her first heartbreak, even though this was not the first time that I was lied to. Not the first time that I had loved. I had just loved him most out of them all. Bawling, once more into Juuns pillow, I was acting as if it were him holding me. Just letting me cry in his arms and not asking me what was wrong. Not asking me to tell him why I was crying.
I have no clue how long it was before I started to where out, and my eyes and body got unreasonably heavy. I looked at my wrist. A cut enough to scar up. Enough to barely bleed. Did he ever even care...?
.Nanami.
When Kaleb and I turned the corner and went into the next isle, I saw Emma. I suddenly felt like a total shit. "Emma, how long have you been here?" Kaleb asked the question I was too afraid to ask. She closed the freezer door. "This isle, just now. By the way, Sayuri is looking for you." then she continued to grab things from other freezers, and walked passed us. I was so nervous around her. I was afriad of how much of that conversation that she heard. "Hey, Kaleb... How long do you think she was really there for?" I asked, shaking. "Enough to be upset." he responded. I walked twords the direction that she went, and Kaleb grabbed my shoulder. I turned around and looked at him. "Don't. It'll only make matters worse. And something like that should be solved in private. You know Emma, she'll start yelling and make a scene." I looked down, upset at myself. "No use digging up whats already dead." I said. "Exactly." he agreed.
That night, I went home and sat on my bed. Christopher came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheeck. "Hey." he said, happily. "Hey." I said, faking a perfect smile and covering up the sadness in my voice. "Whats wrong?" he asked. "...How did you... Know?" Christopher put one hand on his waist, and looked at me. "I spent all of Junior High and High School with Sayuri. Little miss beatened and broken.(Most of Sayuri's boyfriends either cheated on her, beat her, or tried to rape her. She luckily kept her virginity until her and Kaleb's first date.) You cannot hide sadness from me. Now whats up?" I sighed. "I... said a few things in the grocery store to Kaleb, and I think that Emma might have heard. "Oh, hun... What did you say?" Christopher asked, sitting next to me. I told him the conversation that I had with Kaleb, and he gasped.
"Those things are supposed to be kept private, Nanami."
"No one was around."
"So you thought."
And he had me. "What should I do?" I asked, with my hands on my forehead. "Well... You can either A: bring it back up. Or B: leave it alone. If you leave it alone, then you won't have to feel awkward. If you bring it up, pain will be found. You're choice, hun. I won't make you do either."
Christopher kissed my cheeck, and sat on my lap. He wrapped his arms around my neck and said. "Either thing you do, it's right. Either thing you do, it's wrong." I smiled and decided that I'd call her.
Unfortunatly, Juun picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hiya Juun... Can I talk to Emma?"
"Why?"
"Because I need to talk to her-it's important."
"No."
"Don't be a dick, just let me talk to her."
"Look fuckass, she's asleep. And when she wakes up I need to talk to her. Get her some other time."
Then he hung up the phone. I sighed, and then I went into the kitchen to eat dinner (Spaghetti) with Christopher and his five-year-old sister, Mary.
.Juun.
After I hung up the phone with Nanami, I walked into our bedroom and I ran my fingers against Emma's scared up and cut wrists. I got behind her, and I held her as close to me as I could.
I never thought in my whole life that I'd ever cry.
She shed my first tears.
.Ch.6.
.Emma.
I woke up to find Juun holding me. I was shocked at the realization that I had been so stupid. I hadn't cleaned up my mess. I just cut, and cried. I felt aweful. I stared into Juun's face and realized, no matter what... Even when he's asleep, even when he's upset... He's still beautiful. I got up, and changed my blood soaked sweater. I heard something subtle, "Emma." I turned around to see Juun. There was a long silence. No use in trying to act oblivious. We both knew what was comming next. A question that I've been asking myself for years. He licked his chapped lips, and looked down. Almost as if he couldn't bare the sight of me.
.Juun.
If I looked at her, all I could see would be the image of her arms. Just thinking about it made me want to cry. I couldn't stand to look at her. I chocked down the great sob that was building itself up in my throat.
.Emma.
"Why?" he asked me. "I thought that everything was perfect. Why? Whats wrong? Why couldn't have talked to me-or to Lizzie about it. Do you not trust me? Why?"
.Juun.
One question after another, they kept comming. I wasn't even thinking. I couldn't even imagine-no, process that it was me speaking. I jsut realiesed all of my feelings at once. Who would even think that hurting themsleves would make anything better?
.Emma.
I broke down right infront of him. All this time, I had so many people to go to, and I never once thought about it. All this time I was just self loathing, acting as if the whole world had revolved around me. Not realizing that my immature way of dealing with this pain was hurting everyone else more than me. No. Not everyone. Juun. It was hurting Juun more than anyone else. And I had failed to realize just how much he cared. I had failed to realize that it'd hurt him more than anyone else. I had failed to realize... That I was stupid.
.Juun.
Seeing her cry like that. Seeing her just loose herself. Seeing her fall; seeing her break. It made me feel warm. The warmness came from the fact that she was willing to let me see her fall apart; willing to let me see her cry; in her moment of weakness.
I held her close to me, and she cried. She cried and cried, and cried some more. At one point, I could have sworn that she had cried from happiness. Happiness from what?
.Emma.
Juun knew. I knew he knew. He knew that those last tears, where happiness that I could not contain. He knew why. I knew he knew why. He just didn't know that he knew.
From the moment that he held me, I knew that I'd never cut myself ever again. Over anything.
.Nanami.
It had been a few months since Christopher and I had got married. We were sitting on the couch watching T.V. when we both heard the sound of glass smashing from the kitchen. Before I even got the chance to set the remote down, Christopher jumped up and ran into the kitchen. "Mary!" I heard him shout. I ran into the kitchen, to find Christopher holding Mary, and the cookie jar borken. "Sweety, are you okay? Are you hurt or cut, whats wrong? What happened?" I thought that Christopher was overreacting, but then again, Mary is his last surviving relative. Not only that, but the have always been close. "I'm fine, Bubby... I just wanted some cookies but I'm too short. And it fell." She seemed upset.
Mary being upset, equals Christopher being frantic to cheer her up, equals me having to jump through hoops and go on wild goose chases to help Christopher help her. Not that I minded, it's just that this usually happens. "Nanami, go get us a broom and some cookie, will you?" Christopher asked me. Had he been any less cute when he was scared, I'd said no. But, alas, he's frickin' adorable.
Realizing that I only had enough money for the cookies, I went to Lia for the broom. Lia is death; fate. Ghosts often fallow her around, or hang out around her house. But in her house, they're not like ghosts. They are like living beings. She's supposed to be a god, but the truth is. She's just as human as the rest of us. Wether she wants to admitt it or not.
I went to her to ask if I could barrow her broom, seeing how while Christopher was babysitting, Veona turned our broom into a harpoon and luanched it about 32 meters to God-knows-where. "Yeah, just hold on a second. Sit down on the couch, I'll be back." I sat down on her couch, and waited.
I saw a transparent boy with shoulder-length grey hair. His bangs were like mine; parted to the right. He had a round face, and pink eyes like Emma. He was holding a bule sippy cup. The blue was the same shade of blue as the strip that was in my bangs. When he held up the sippy cup to stretch, my heart shattered and my eyes were brimming.
My mouth was dry, and my throat itched as I spoke. My voice was barely aduible, and was scratchy.
"Adam?"
.Ch.7.
.Nanami.
"Daddy?" his voice was like an angels. I was shaking. He smiled. He has his mother's smile. "Daddy! I found you!" he ran to me, and gave me a hug. I was shocked; shaking. "F-found me?" He looked at me, and smiled widley. "Lia said that you weren't around because we were playing hide-and-seek. It's hard to look for some one when you can't leave this place. Now all I have to do is find mommy, and then we can be a family!" he said, smiling. Completely oblivious to the truth. Tears poured from my eyes like rivers. I couldn't control my convulsions. I wrapped my arms around him. "Daddy? Why are you crying? Don't be sad. You should be happy, I found you." I smile through my tears.
I see Adam's eyes look behind me.
.Emma.
It had been a few months after Juun and I had gotten married. I called Lia, death and fater herself, to ask if I could come over and hang out. I know that it's odd to call and ask; not like neither of us have parents (or at least parents who care enough to remember our birthdays), but Lia is usually busy. And it'd be rude to just randomly stop by without at least calling. "Yeah go ahead. Just open the door when you get here."
I left a note on the fridge saying that I was at Lia's. On the drive to Lia's, I had this feeling that while I was over there, I would make an encounter. However, Lia's house is constantly haunted. Wether it's because of Shi (her girlfreind) doing satanic rituals, or because Lia is death herself, it's always haunted. So, this feeling was normal... I suppose.
I drove up the driveway to her perfectly white house. On the inside, however, it is almost completely black. I opened the door, to see Nanami holding something, and crying. Nanami looked behind him, and saw me. When I saw the heart breaking figure he was holding, my heart dropped and my lead tears fell. I heard him speak. "Mommy!" a loud sob escaped from me, and I ran over to him quicker than I realized. I held him. My son. My son.
"I found mommy now!" I looked at Nanami, waiting an explanation. "We're playing hide-and-seek. And he found us." his voice was shakey. I couldn't tell wether the tears were of pain, reliefe, or happiness.
.Lia.
I looked into the living room to see the most broken family united. I felt myself shiver, and a tear fall from my eyes. I informed Christopher and Juun what was hapening. I had no clue what would happen next. I mean, who would take Adam home...?
.Ch.8.
.Emma.
I held my son, and realized the one question that I didn't want to deal with. The question that I never knew the answer to, no matter where it applied in my life; 'What next?' I loved Nanami, I truely did. Adam wanted us to be like a normal family-he's dead. The only way I could see my baby; my son, was to be here. I had to die. But I can't die. I turned to Lia, frusturated. "Why!? How long has he been here!? Why didn't you tell us anything!? You could have brought him back! All of this could have been avoided!" I screamed at her. "Mortals are not to-" I cut her off. I ripped the sleeves off of my sweater, and showed her what I had done. "Do you see this!? Do you see this!? Do you!? If I were mortal, I would have died at the first attempt! Do you fucking see this!? Look at it! Am I mortal, Lia!? Am I mortal!? Am I mortal!? Am I!?" I couldn't control myself.
.Nanami.
When I saw the lines all over Emma's wrists, I felt my stomach and heart drop simotaniously. I...I thought she stopped...
.Emma.
Lia responded: "You are too human for me to tell you these things. It is against the rule-"
"You are just as human as the rest of us! It kills you-everytime you cut some one's string! You die a little more inside, I see it! You cried just as badly as everyone else at the funeral! You love Shi just like I love Juun, you get just as mad as everyone else-you feel pity for everyone and everything! Don't try to act like you're higher than us jut because you have the job of killing people!"
.Nanami.
I saw that Adam was frightened.
.Emma.
I suddenly felt this great warmth around me. But behind the warmth, there was emptiness. Not sad emptiness. Just... emptiness. As if there were nothing there. As if there never was anything there. It was Nanami. Holding me, just like he used to. I saw all of those times at the rehab flash before my eyes. Suddenly, everything hit me all at once. No, not everything. Just one thing; the truth.
.Ch.9.
.Nanami.
"I need you two to leave. I'll bring Adam back. But you have to be elsewhere." Lia said to us. There were no words spoken. Lia rested her hands on our shoulders, and suddenly I was in a white room. There were no walls. There was no furniture. There was no tempature. Everything was gone, but there was a presense. I walked forward to find a girl with short green hair in a half pony-tail. She was wearing a white dress that had light pink trimming. After the trimming it turned into black lace. She was wearing a black lace chocker with a maroon jewel in the middle. Her eyes were the same colour as the gem.
"Hello, Nanami. I am Ayomè. God."
"What happened to Exeona?"
"Torhu."
I was confused.
"Torhu brought out the human in her. She is no longer suit for the job.
Nanami, either way, you will end up with Adam. You just have to choose; Emma, or Christopher?"
I felt my own heart shatter. "Please... Don't make me choose..." I said, tears falling. "I love them both so much." She smiled. "I can't make the decisions for you. I am simply here to guide you. Not to lead you." I looked at her, wondering what the difference was. "I..I choose..."
.Emma.
I appered in Juun's arms. He was aware as of to what was going on. I was confused as of to how this was happening. I cried, and he let me cry. He encouraged my tears.
.Ayomè.
While talking to Nanami, I was also talking to Christopher.
"Christopher, I promise you that the next person you are with, you will be happier than you ever thought imaginable. If you want, I can..." I was reaching to tap his forehead, prepared to erase his memory and pain with Nanami. "No!" he was frantic, shaking. "No! I don't want to forget. I don't want to foget... I don't want to forget, I don't want to froget..." he began to craddle. I reached my hand back.
.Christopher.
I'd never be with anyone else other than Nanami. If he chose Emma, I'd understand. I'd want to die, but I'd never want to forget. I had never been happier than the times I was with Nanami. Even if all I'd had left were painful memories, I'd know that it'd be okay.
I'd only hurt because I love him so much.
.Ch.10.
.Nanami.
"I choose Christopher. I... I don't want to keep Adam-I'll mess everything up. I'd make a horrible-" I felt Ayomè put her hand on my shoulder. I looked over to her to see her smile. "Nanami..." her voice was small, and pure. "Nanami, you are the strongest person that I know. You know what it's like to have a messed up child hood because of your parents. You know the pain they caused you, you know the mistakes they made. Because of that, you are more equipped than Emma. Emma never had her parents to make mistakes for her. All she ever had is Lizzie, and Lizzie is too over protective, and neither of them can see that. You'll make a great father... Because you'll know what not to do."
I smiled. The feeling in my heart... It was a mixture of pain, and hapiness.
I appeared back in Lia's living room. She was holding an infant. "When I revived him, he turned back into a baby." she handed him to me, and asked: "Will he remember anything?" "No." she responded. I held him. He was so tiny. So fragile, so warm. He was so cute. He was my son. My son.
.Emma.
It didn't feel right. I think that Adam will live happier with Nanami and Christopher than with me and Juun. I'm not emotionally ready to handle a child yet. And I wouldn't let Juun feel the pain of raising a child that was not his.
.Nanami.
I was holding Adam, bouncing and rocking him at once to get him to sleep. It had been months since I first met my son. I looked over to Christopher, who kissed me. I kissed him back and saw his glistening silver wings. The glistening silver, telling me that we'd spend the rest of forever together--fate told me so.
.Emma.
I was waiting for three minutes. Those were the longest three minutes of my life. Juun came into the room, and sat next to me. I smiled at his wings. They were grand, and covered in silver feathers. As were mine.
Juun's ramen was finished, wich ment that it was ready. I looked down at the little pink plus sign on the white stick I was holding. I smiled, and Juun saw my smile. He picked me up, and spun around hapily. We were both shouting for joy. I held onto the pregnancy test tightly.
And this. This is our happy ending.
We'll do it all We don't need If I lay here I don't quite know Those three words If I lay here Forget what we're told Let's waste time I need your grace If I lay here Forget what we're told All that I am I don't know where If I lay here
Everything
On our own
Anything
Or anyone
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
How to say
How I feel
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Chasing cars
Around our heads
To remind me
To find my own
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
