It was a long and lonely road. So close to home, but so far away. We shared the front seat on the right side. We drove passed some roadkill-a skunk splattred, crushed, and baked by the hot July sun onto the pavement.
It reminded her of the time when they were on that very same road, only a month earlier. She was in another vehicle with two other people, not including me. There was a snapping turtle on the ground-in the road. Her and the other person that was not me told the driver to stop. She got out and set the turtle in the grass on the side of the road in which the turtle was trying to go.
Then that reminded her of how when she was in the family car with her father. He said that stopping on the road-on the highways-to save a turtle was stupid because you could get killed... Because people don't pay attention. She had no response to him.
"I would have risked my life to save that turtle." She said to me. Shortly after she thought, "I would have risked my life to save that skunk too."
I knew her thoughts. I could read them before she finished thiking them.
"You would have risked getting killed for a turtle? Risked <i>your</i> life? A life of a humans-that other people love and care for-that other people have worked so hard on to keep you alive-you'd just throw it all away? For a turtle? A snapping turtle even? A creature that would hurt you? Something that wouldn't be able to thank you or even care or realize that you saved its life from certain death?" I asked her.
"Yes." She responded, "Just because it cannot appreciate those things, it doesn't mean that it's not a living creature; something with a life, a home, possibly a family, something that can't feel pain. I'd easily risk my life for anything that was living." she said. She finished the rest of her sentence inside of her head; ".... That wasn't a plant or something."
I looked at her and said "You'd throw your life away for antything. Why? Do you not cherish your life? Why throw it away for something so small?"
She looked at me with a stern mask. "It is the right thing to do, and that is all that matters. I don't need anyonoe else's approval but my own." she said, lying to bother herself and me-for we both knew all she ever wanted was everyone's approval. She's just now starting to battle on who is more important: Her, or them?
"I'm not changing who I am just becaus you don't like it. I am me. Not you. If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass." she said, pretending to be tough and independant.
"But I am you." I thought, but did not say out loud.
I could tell that behind her mask, she was doubting herself. Questioning on if she truely would risk her life for somthing so small. She tried to imagine herself holding a turtle on the road, and a semi coming for her. In her head, just to see if she could do it, she dropped the turlte as the semi zoomed passed. In her mind, she stared down at the broken and dead animal that layed before her. Something she just could have taken with her. But what if she had tripped? And crushed the animal? Would it have died either way? Was it God's will?
"Why would you throw your life away for anything?" I repeated myself. "Shut up." I bit my lip, and turned away from myself, trying to hold back my tears.
"Perhaps she'd rather risk her life than just take it. For her fear of hell. So it seems that she died for a good reason-that he killed herself in a good way-to risk her life for anothers. Would that still count as suicide? Would it be the right thing? Yes, but for all of the wrong reasons; all of the selfish reasons." We thought in unison.
She began to doubt herself and her reasons-her true, reasons. She was debating on if it was truley worth it-and if she honeslty cherished her life like she says she does.
Then I thought to myself: "Or am I being the selfish one?"
Ironic how I end up questioning myself. We both questioned ourselves. For, we are both one person.
Are we all just talk?
We won't know unless we are actually put in that situation. Only then could we be able to tell what our true values are.
Only when it counts is when we can make that decision.
Or would we both just stand there with the turtle, too afraid to move... And kill us both...? Kill us all...?
Each of us dragging the other down... Or would we not attempt at all?
Will we ever really know...?
This is an actual argument I had with myslef today while my friend's dad was taking my other friend home. It was trippy. (That I was actually arguing with myself as if I wasn't me; as if I was a different person inside of my head.)
This was longer than what I originally intended it on being.
Sorry.
