Welcome to the psychedelic rhapsody of my profile. Where you can join me in a game of chess and whiskey, and just waste your life away, or if that’s not your style why not a game of solitaire with macadamia nuts. Because humans could once fly, so let your dreams become your reality, and get lose of this world controlled by its tiny dots of light. And enter a world were materialistic views have no value, and teddy bears are cuddly to explosive proportions. But if that’s too much for your brain to handle, than try a mushroom and discovery the meaning of life. But hey, we all know that life is but a dream, where our comrades include the four legged and hairy variety, and your future is all that matters, provided your star is still shinning. So throw your money away on a pointless bet.

Thou Shall Accept Humanities Stupidity

I really need to think more carefully before I hire a film on a Friday *sigh* well the film that has provoked this major b**ch session is ‘There will be blood’, I swear to the gods the way religion is portrayed in that film is just screaming about societies dependency on needing something to believe in.

Well it’s blatantly obvious that I hate any kind of control, the fact that I made it through high school without getting into more trouble because of my little outbursts of anarchy is just a plain miracle. But I guess it would seem a surprise to know that I was raised as a practicing catholic … yes I attended a catholic school until I was 16 and went to church every Sunday, and like a good fearing the wrath of god child said my prayers. But yeah then my teenage rebellion took hold and the cracks in that shabby foundation began to show. At 16 I started to turn towards Buddhism yes yet another miracle had occurred a person that would fight almost every day and had very little respect for humans was interested in a peaceful religion of equality. But I think that’s what drew me to it, I was growing up in a male dominated environment were I had to constantly prove my worth as something other then a sex object and future house wife. And Buddhism seen man and women as entirely equal there were none of these gender associated rules, nothing about one species being more worthy then another (hell the amount of dog’s I’ve met that are far more intelligent then my own friends is just hilarious). But anyway that didn’t work out too well after all I’m a violent person buy nature and when your surrounded by sexist idiots provoking you it’s damn near impossible to find that inner peace and take passive action (maybe after a few more reincarnations I’ll be stronger spiritually lol) So by the time I was 21 I’d pretty much lost all hope in religion I’d believe in a bit of this and a bit of that but when it comes to Catholicism it takes me all my time not to just kick something. So you can only imagine everyone is trying to convert me back to the good little catholic girl side. Which is by far the worst thing to try, as people have experienced first hand. Well lets just say that when world youth week was celebrated here I actually made a preacher trying to convert me on the streets cry. Yes my status as a bitch just exploded off the charts at that point.

The way I see it Catholicism is just an elaborate excuse at creating the perfect controlled society that lacks individuality. Think about it how does these rules from the bible actually vary from what was happening in each war? Yes abandon the stereotypical view of purity and look at this for what it really is.

Firstly you have the disgust of sexuality within the catholic religion, families will abandon their children because they say that it’s a sin to be homosexual. If you love your child that’s all that should matter what type of shallow relationship do you have with your child that it can easily be broken because of their choice of sexuality. You can believe in something that you have absolutely no proof of the existence of but you can’t accept and believe in something that you helped create that is undeniably real?

When you have one of those people on your door step trying to convert you buy giving you a pamphlet saying that they want to turn this god forsaken planet into a heaven on earth but the only way to do so is to have all its inhabitant follow the word of god and ignore Satan’s whispers. Has it ever occurred to them that it’s impossible to do this? Think about it hypothetically, if they were to successfully create this heaven on earth what would there be left for people to work towards? Ok so they say you have to be good so you can go to heaven and be with god but if you’re not good then you’ll go to hell. So if earth becomes a heaven then what do we have to look forward to when we die? We already know heaven so what will come after death? Just another heaven? Isn’t that almost suggesting reincarnation? You’re living on an earthy heaven now but after death you just move to another stage of heaven. Sure that’s going to work the reason that humans find heaven so appealing and buy this bulls**t fed to them is because there is a level of mystery something to look forward to, take that away and you have lost your control of humanity.

Why can’t they just accept that hey maybe even though we are the top of the food chain and apparently possess a high level of intelligence that in reality we are just a stupid and self-destructive race. There’s no evil presence manipulating us to do evil things its just the law of physics ‘for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction’ because we have no natural predator that would lead to healthy natural selection we have evolved with a self destructive mechanism that ultimately leads to a form of artificial selection.

Warning over exposure to idiots again

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I should never be allowed to spend more then 5 minutes on a forum because I always end up posting these really long bitching sessions about what is wrong with society *sigh* That’s one of the reason’s I left all my forums last year until I was eventually dragged back to one although I’ve never really taken much interest or spent a great deal of time on it. Until today against my better judgment I was provoked into a conversation about the existence of love. CURSE THE GODS! It doesn’t help much that I’ve just started watching ‘Welcome to the NHK’ its the first anime I’ve seen in a long time that doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to telling society what is wrong with it. There’s none of this sugarcoating to make the viewer feel more at ease and ironically it seems to constantly attack its intended audience.

There was a part where one of the characters says that the way to gain confidence in a conversation or environment where they feel inferior is to imagine the people your talking to as being inferior stupid waste of space that will give them the imagined power/ confidence to talk without hesitation. Hearing this all I could think was omg that’s the way so many people behave on these forums. They go on about how in reality they are ridiculed and no one respects them, yet when they are online where they are detached from reality they act out there dreams of superiority. It annoys the hell out of me yes I use the net as an escape from reality but I go there for fun, purely as a distraction were nothing is real, but these people act like they are some kind of dictator or something constantly telling people what they can do, and trying to create a system that is within there criteria of order. Then you have the pathetic people that don’t even have enough respect for themselves to stand up to these people they just constantly agree with these people giving them even more power.

But that’s not even half of what really infuriates me, it’s the fact that these people make out that there online friends are more important to them then the people who exist in there real everyday lives. They call these online groups their family and neglect their reality more while seeking attention and support from the people that they meet online. They say that they don’t need people that they can survive in solitude, but ironically they spend hour’s online seeking companionship from total strangers. And if you say anything to them you have there minions defending them its like fighting a swarm of bee’s the workers will protect their queen at all cost, but instead of sacrificing their lives in this case they are sacrificing their dignity. It’s like the online version of the well know stereotype ‘The Plastics’. Damn I know this is sounding really harsh but lets face it have I’ve never held my opinion back before so why the hell would I do so now?

It just feels like my escape from reality and the pathetic structure of society has just become an alternative version where by the out casts are taking advantage of the fact that the popular ruling people of reality are too busy to rule the net, therefore allowing the normally down trodden to rule and taste the life of those that victimize them.

Totally Incoherent

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Ok I haven’t been under this much mental and physical stress since that time I questioned whether society as a whole was so obsessed with the apocalypse that the welcome mats outsides people’s doors were actually a subconscious salute to our impending doom. Apparently that was not only the most insane thing people had ever heard but also the most incoherent, expect no different with this post seriously abandon all rationality if you want to remotely understand what I’m saying here lol.

Everyone knows that if you watch an Oshii film expect to have a challenging experience his films are never straight forward they question everything, and you leave the film barely understanding what just happened. Well his novels are no different ages ago I read a novel buy Oshii it left me questioning everything my evolution lecturers were teaching me. As impossible as what he was saying was, you couldn’t help but think maybe. It’s like he has this ability to make you question reality and just emersed yourself in the illusions. But I think for the first time I’ve found someone else also makes my head spin and disregard reality.

I just started reading ‘GITS Innocence – After The Long Goodbye’ buy Masaki Yamada and well yes yet again I’m blurring the lines between illusion and reality just like I do every time I read a Japanese novel. At one point one of the characters says that dogs are the most pure creatures unlike humans they can express jealously and love in its most pure forms, so its true dogs don’t lie about love. This got me thinking for years I have heard people say that the reason dogs are so pure compared to humans is because they don’t posses jealousy but here the dog trainer is saying that they are the only creatures that can express it in its most pure form because they are the only ones that are able to experience pure love. So basically with the absence of outside factors influencing them dogs are pure. Ok its like the way that they say ‘you can be rambling the most obviously stupid things and a dog will look at you wagging its tail as if to say omg that’s pure genus’ There is nothing influencing the way they see you, no trends in fashion or popularity they see you as you no matter what you are. But in the book they say the reason that this is so is because the dog is not bonded to you as such but your soul. There is a connection between the two souls the outward appearance, the way we treat them all of that has absolutely nothing to do with why they love you. Thinking about it that totally makes since I mean you hear these stories about people doing unspeakable things to there dog but in the end the dog be still loyal to them. It’s like there ignorant to the mistreatment. In the novel Gabu leaves Batou at one stage and it’s constantly suggested that was because his ghost was formatted his soul was absent for a short period of time and without his soul present she was unable to recognise him. But then she was supposedly stolen and there was a theory that a cybernetics company was stealing dogs like her, namely dogs that were loved to use them in gynoids to give them the realistic personality characteristics. They were using the brain from the dogs because there purity was the only affective away to make these machines seem real. At one point Batou is firing at one of these gynoids as it attacks him and all he can see is the sweet face of the dog, its tail wagging its tongue lolling its purity is still pertained within the cold metal. It doesn’t matter what he does this dogs brain can see nothing but his soul. I couldn’t read any more after that.

It disturbed me the fact that no matter what was being done to this dog its brain still only seen the soul before it nothing else. This is going to seem to ironic coming from me after all I am cynical and hate society because all it can see is outward appearances nothing else and have said why can’t they be more like dogs and only see what is on the inside, and now thinking that a dog can only perceive the soul and absolutely nothing else and possesses a purity that I crave for people to also have I’m disturbed buy it. I want dogs to hate people that hurt them the way a person would hate another person that hurt them that way. So ultimately am I just be as selfish as those people have always criticised I want to corrupt a dogs purity to ensure that they are able to recognise pain and what a good human is, basically taking away what makes them a dog and turn them more into a human?

Well as I warned at the beginning good luck deciphering this.

JTHM - is it possible?

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I read this in JTHM its the foreward by Rob Schard so OMFG no long analyzing post this time, just twice as long next time lol

'A girl I dated once said to me, ‘you can only feel pain when you bleed.’ This must give you the impression that I was dating an Art School-Vampire. She was more like an acid-washed Molly Ringwald, but that doesn’t matter. I fell in total lust with this woman because she told me what I had been thinking my entire life. Pain is food. A food that is essential to the growth of one’s soul.
Let’s talk about violence, shall we? Violence in the media is an easy target. ‘If we get rid of all the violent movies, television shows and comic books, the world will be Utopian!’ An easily believable answer. Just ask your mom.
Jhonen Vasquez has touched something important here. There's a little monster inside all of us, a little wolf-faced monkey that needs to be satiated. As people , we mustn't ignore that monster. If we do, we cheat ourselves. We deny an emotion, a feeling.

Think of someone that pissed you off. Some yutz who cut you off in traffic; a prick-ass Kinko's employee who took three hours to copy your resume; the big bully who spit in your face when you were eight. Now, in your head, relive that moment. This time, however, don't just stand there and take it. This time you've got a knife. Pull it out from behind your back and watch the status flip-flop. Suddenly Mr Kinko isn't so cocky. The playground bully is crying for his mother. Smell their fear. Then, kill them. Kill them like you see in the movies. Make it as horrible as possible. Release that monster and stab that knife deep into their face.

As humans, we are taught to forget that we are animals. Animals kill to survive and its just as natural for us. To deny nature is to deny life. Now that you've committed murder in you dream world, relax. Take a deep breath, give your monster a high five and put him away. You've just used an evil fantasy to keep you civilized and sane.

Some may call this irresponsible advice. They kid themselves that their monster doesn't exist. And when a person lies to themselves, there is less chance for spiritual growth. More then likely, their monster will step out of the Dream world and into the Real world. That's how society gets messy. Lots of hungry, neglected monsters.'

Officially diagnosed

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A friend asked me to fill out a behaviour disorder questionnaire it was just a fun thing, it made laugh and it was pretty funny. Anyway I came up with a Schizoid and Schizo typal personality or disorder. Just hearing the name makes it sound like I’m someone that needs mental help but basically what it was saying was that I had an aloof personality with no intentions of pursuing any type of human companionship and see the world in an alternative fashion to what so called normal people would. Well hell we all knew that anyway but it got me thinking about what I was talking about last time about how adults have to label everything and give distinct boundaries as to what is normal and what is not. My personality although I already knew was not like the considered normal adult actually has a name I’m actually specifically categorised outside normal society, so in reality I have no sense of individuality I am just suffering from a behaviour problem. Right that totally makes sense doesn’t it … yes even though I’m just typing this my sarcastic tone should be jumping out at you. Why is it that just because I’m not like what everyone else is like, I have to be categorised as a misfit? A behaviour problem that according to popular belief if I was to be analysed and helped by a professional I could actually become a normal functioning member of society.

I think I finally understand why I love and can relate to Salinger’s texts. The majority of his male Glass characters (Seymour, Buddy, Zooey) are all described as having these same types of personalities. Especially Seymour in ‘Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters’ he is constantly called a ‘homosexual Schizoid’ by his fiancée’s mother, but I have always felt that I could understand his level of logic in this story he does not wish to marry his partner because he is happy with the way things are and he doesn’t care about the fact that her entire family has put in so much time and effort for the wedding he just wishes for things to stay the way they are currently. OMG he is actually only caring about his relationship with her and basically telling everyone else the can get screwed, isn’t that just what everyone wants to do at one time or another? But honestly you’re not game enough for fear of rejecting everyone’s expectations of you? I respect that character so much he doesn’t ever care about other people’s expectations of him he just does what he himself wants. I’ve been described as cold hearted and selfish countless times for displaying this same type of characteristics I don’t see the need to live up to anyone’s supposed expectations of me and because of that I’m classed as having a disorder? Isn’t it just that I refuse to comply with society and swallow the apple of logic and therefore follow the set boundaries that society has created to maintain a steady order. Why must you have to change your own happiness to suit everyone around you? Getting married only affects the guests of the wedding for that day at the most were as it affects you for the rest of your life. How is it possibly selfish to not want to jeopardise your own happiness?

Also Seymour is described as homosexual because even though he says he loves his partner and has even asked her to marry him he has never actually displayed any sexual intentions towards her. Is that homosexuality or is it pure love because it is actually devoid of lust? I think if I were to admit that love could actually exist that would be the only case in where I would. I’ve discussed this before once lust and sexual desire enter a relationship it slowly consumes the other aspects of the relationship until what you are experiencing is nothing but Eros. Think about it what really is this whole concept of sex and love are apart of each other? You can’t experience one entirely without the other? The only way to look that these two actually fit together is the fact that one is nearly always followed buy the other you rarely have the two occurring at entirely separate times and if they are separated then it goes against acceptable society. But because Seymour decides to separate the two he is considered homosexual.
I have never told a person I’m in a relationship with that I love them and have made it specially clear not attempt to push their own value of love on me and when the situation comes whereby the other person thinks that they have to attempt to push their own belief of love on me I am treated as cold or homosexual myself. Why they insist on pursuing an obviously dead-end road I have no idea. I have no intentions of changing the person and make my intentions clear but they seem to ignore the facts and think that I should give up my happiness for them. So how am I the selfish one?

Eventually Seymour is forced to be analysed by his partner and at the cost of his happiness ultimate he puts a bullet through his right temple in ‘A nice day for banana fish’. I’m not trying to say that if I actually get the assistance to become a normal functioning member of society that I will kill myself everyone is different and this is a case of fiction where as hard as it is to believe I am real. But it’s the whole thought that I will be changing myself and sacrificing my own personality for the sake of acceptance from society when I am actually happy with the way I am. Yes I would become so called normal but I would no longer be the same person I would lose those few people that have accepted my abnormal nature and that are actually important to me for the sake of being accepted by the majority of people under a fake existence. So because I refuse to give up my current happiness I will always been considered in need of help.