still old

A friend asked me to fill out a behaviour disorder questionnaire it was just a fun thing, it made laugh and it was pretty funny. Anyway I came up with a Schizoid and Schizo typal personality or disorder. Just hearing the name makes it sound like I’m someone that needs mental help but basically what it was saying was that I had an aloof personality with no intentions of pursuing any type of human companionship and see the world in an alternative fashion to what so called normal people would. Well hell we all knew that anyway but it got me thinking about what I was talking about last time about how adults have to label everything and give distinct boundaries as to what is normal and what is not. My personality although I already knew was not like the considered normal adult actually has a name I’m actually specifically categorised outside normal society, so in reality I have no sense of individuality I am just suffering from a behaviour problem. Right that totally makes sense doesn’t it … yes even though I’m just typing this my sarcastic tone should be jumping out at you. Why is it that just because I’m not like what everyone else is like, I have to be categorised as a misfit? A behaviour problem that according to popular belief if I was to be analysed and helped by a professional I could actually become a normal functioning member of society.

I think I finally understand why I love and can relate to Salinger’s texts. The majority of his male Glass characters (Seymour, Buddy, Zooey) are all described as having these same types of personalities. Especially Seymour in ‘Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters’ he is constantly called a ‘homosexual Schizoid’ by his fiancée’s mother, but I have always felt that I could understand his level of logic in this story he does not wish to marry his partner because he is happy with the way things are and he doesn’t care about the fact that her entire family has put in so much time and effort for the wedding he just wishes for things to stay the way they are currently. OMG he is actually only caring about his relationship with her and basically telling everyone else the can get screwed, isn’t that just what everyone wants to do at one time or another? But honestly you’re not game enough for fear of rejecting everyone’s expectations of you? I respect that character so much he doesn’t ever care about other people’s expectations of him he just does what he himself wants. I’ve been described as cold hearted and selfish countless times for displaying this same type of characteristics I don’t see the need to live up to anyone’s supposed expectations of me and because of that I’m classed as having a disorder? Isn’t it just that I refuse to comply with society and swallow the apple of logic and therefore follow the set boundaries that society has created to maintain a steady order. Why must you have to change your own happiness to suit everyone around you? Getting married only affects the guests of the wedding for that day at the most were as it affects you for the rest of your life. How is it possibly selfish to not want to jeopardise your own happiness?

Also Seymour is described as homosexual because even though he says he loves his partner and has even asked her to marry him he has never actually displayed any sexual intentions towards her. Is that homosexuality or is it pure love because it is actually devoid of lust? I think if I were to admit that love could actually exist that would be the only case in where I would. I’ve discussed this before once lust and sexual desire enter a relationship it slowly consumes the other aspects of the relationship until what you are experiencing is nothing but Eros. Think about it what really is this whole concept of sex and love are apart of each other? You can’t experience one entirely without the other? The only way to look that these two actually fit together is the fact that one is nearly always followed buy the other you rarely have the two occurring at entirely separate times and if they are separated then it goes against acceptable society. But because Seymour decides to separate the two he is considered homosexual.
I have never told a person I’m in a relationship with that I love them and have made it specially clear not attempt to push their own value of love on me and when the situation comes whereby the other person thinks that they have to attempt to push their own belief of love on me I am treated as cold or homosexual myself. Why they insist on pursuing an obviously dead-end road I have no idea. I have no intentions of changing the person and make my intentions clear but they seem to ignore the facts and think that I should give up my happiness for them. So how am I the selfish one?

Eventually Seymour is forced to be analysed by his partner and at the cost of his happiness ultimate he puts a bullet through his right temple in ‘A nice day for banana fish’. I’m not trying to say that if I actually get the assistance to become a normal functioning member of society that I will kill myself everyone is different and this is a case of fiction where as hard as it is to believe I am real. But it’s the whole thought that I will be changing myself and sacrificing my own personality for the sake of acceptance from society when I am actually happy with the way I am. Yes I would become so called normal but I would no longer be the same person I would lose those few people that have accepted my abnormal nature and that are actually important to me for the sake of being accepted by the majority of people under a fake existence. So because I refuse to give up my current happiness I will always been considered in need of help.