Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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Hey. It's been a few years, hasn't it?
So, I know that most of the friends I have made on here have come and gone, but this post is more so for the people who hop from profile to profile to see if anything new has happened around here. Well, I'm just pretty much coming back to delete a couple of things and give a small update.
So, a couple of good things to start off with is that my suicidal tendencies have actually become less and less since the break up with my ex back in 2016. I was finally able to get over her a little while ago, so that's good. Depression is still a thing, but it hasn't been as severe as it used to be. I have a great paying job right now; one that can actually help me progress with my life and move forward to newer opportunities. I igjt be getting a husky soon, too. I found this really cute Pure White one that's super energetic and fun.
Now, some bad news. There's not really much. I've lost a few friends over the few years because of the most ridiculous shit ever, and I've lost a couple of family friends I've loved since I was a child from cancer and old age. Two of my dogs have passed, one from old age and the other from a ruptured tumor in his spleen in which he internally bled out. That was a very hard time for me since he was literally my favorite dog. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. It's okay, though.
I've also picked up bass guitar and am currently learning regular guitar and ocarina. I've noticed how rusty I've gotten on drums because of this. Lol I just enjoy learning to play instruments.
I'm hella behind on anime. Like, REALLY behind. I've just been way too busy that I haven't given myself the chance to do much about it. Same goes for video games. I keep buying new ones when I haven't played, or finished old ones.
Anyway, this'll probably be my last post here on this website for the foreseeable future. I never thought I'd be leaving here, but here I am, back to make this post and delete a couple of things. I haven't really been keeping up with art much, almost becoming a dead existence, so that will probably never be a reason to stay. If you guys do come around and see this post, then that's awesome. I may not here anymore, but you can still find me on other media like Twitter and Discord (xXShaydeWolfXx #8492 currently). I'd love to catch up with old friends. If you have Xbox, Steam, Playstation, Switch, you can find me on those, too, under the same name. Just be sure to leave me a message letting me know who you are. Haha.
Well, I guess this is goodbye, everyone. Or, until I decide to actually look at this site again, but who knows how long that'll be. Haha
Until then.
Shayde, signing out. <3
I put a smile on every day. Each day I tell myself it'll be okay, the future is always brighter than the past. But, my future feels so empty and dark compared to my past.
I hate being alone... I hate falling asleep with no one at my side. It's so empty and I feel so vulnerable to these thoughts I get right before I fall asleep... They're so intimidating...
I miss my ex... no one reads these, so I'll just straight up say it. I miss her warmth, I miss her smile, I miss the reassurance I got from just looking at her knowing that even though I scare myself with these abstract and fear-throbbing thoughts, I could care less because I was happy being with her. I lie to myself and say I don't love anyone and I don't deserve anyone, but somehow this little bit of glimmer of love seeps it's way through those lies and presents itself in front of me just so I'd have no choice, but to acknowledge its existence. Why can't I get over her? Why can't she see that I made a horrible mistake and would reverse everything just to have her back? I literally prayed to an empty fucking sky for a year... hoping to have a final chance... Why can't I get over her? She moved on, as far as I'm aware, SO WHY CAN'T I? ...Why can't I let go?... Maybe because deep down I dont want to... but that's not fair to her... but I can't help it... I dont want to hear "You'll find someone new" I want to hear, "I'm still here for you." She was the only one I've ever had who made me feel safe... This bed is so cold, this room is so empty, my mind is full of fear... I put on such a fun face, but I'm breaking down inside without even knowing it... because I mask it every day... but it's ot fair for her... So, I hide it all... I hide the pain... I hide the wants... I hide my cuts and scars of my own desires. Why can't God be real and let me have this one selfish wish?... I miss her so much to the point where this mentality becomes a physical, internal pain at times. But I have to hide and be selfless, right? That's just how it is, now...
Hey, guys. It's been a little while. Sorry about that. I spend most of my "TheO" time on the Discord server, now. It's an enjoyable place, almost like old Chat. I mainly just popped on here to rant. It's still a place I like to say what's on my mind, or how I'm feeling just to help myself calm down or whatever.
I'm just depressed today. It's been a while I know, but I'm still me. I'm still going to have my faults whether I want them to exist, or not. One of those involving romantic emotions. I thought I was in the clear, but I guess all I did was shove them in a dark corner and assumed they were gone, only to be greeted by them again thanks to some good memories. I don't know what to do anymore... I tried, but it seems I can't get rid of them for good.
I should probably just back to being a liar and just lie to myself about how I really feel. I'm scared that'll probably bring me to the brink of insanity, though. Its not hard to lie about my emotions to others. Hell, I did that a lot to stay out of trouble, not hurt others, you name it. But, to myself... heh that's another story. I hate lying, but I can't just confess. I'm scared I'll ruin everything. Things gave been getting better and I don't want that to change. Guess we'll just see what happens. Can't predict the future. Fucking memories, man...
Here I was thinking it was over. I thought I had gotten over it all, pushed my life toward a bit, been enjoying myself for the most part. But guess what decided to come back~~ you guessed It! Depression. And guess what's always lingering with Depression! Emotions. Guess what revolves around emotions! Feelings. Guess what I FUCKING HAVE TO DEAL WITH AGAIN!! Feelings for my ex!!! Why?! Why depression?! Why you gotta do this to me??? I thought I was over her. I felt like I was sooooooooooo close to moving on, but then THIS! *points at depression* This smug-looking, natural trollgasm, shit-stain of a disease decides it wants to fuck me up... AGAIN! How am I supposed to alleviate It? I can't. I can't! Medication doesn't work for me, it only influences the depression even more. Therapy didn't work last time I went and I highly doubt it will now. Trust me, if I had the courage to actually shoot myself, I'd been dead years ago. Ugh, it'd be much easier if everything we're how it used to be. At least I wouldn't have to be dealing with these dramatic emotional pop ups. And I'm being respectable with her new relationship and not pushing myself into it. I mean if something happens in the future, great. If not, then it doesn't happen. Nothing I can do about that. I just wish my depression would stop fondling my heart with these old memories and etc.
This is a post. You will not get it if you weren't there. Have a good day.
