Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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I think I'm at the point where I don't care if I die anymore... I just lost everything... my life feels very pointless now... I think I'm just gonna lie down... and hope I don't wake up...
Why is it when things are starting to get a little better, something fucking has to come up to rain shit on it? WHY THE FUCK CAN'T IT JUST STAY GETTIBG BETTER?! HUH?! I would really appreciate that, life. I would SO. FUCKING. APPRECIATE. THAT. *flips a god damn table and punches a salesman at the door*
When you're starting to break down again because you can't stop remembering that everything you had was your everything... Now you have nothing but these physical memories that were given to you which you can't seem to let go of... physical gifts that create psychological crutches of what you once had...
The last couple of days have been... well, lacking in excitement on my part. Don't get me wrong, the parties were fine and I enjoyed my family's company, but honestly throughout it, I've been thinking about my ex and how much fun she would've had. I know, I know, I'm sure you guys are like "oh, god... here we go again. Just get over her, dude!" Believe me when I say I have been trying, but it's not that easy when you were expecting to live the rest of your life with this person; when you had finally put everything you had into making the relationship more stable, and then messed up in the end of it. I was truly ready to settle down completely with this girl. I was even preparing on getting an engagement ring for when she came back. I thought that'd be a nice surprise after having a vacation... and that thought haunts me almost everyday. Not in a bad way, but more like a "it would've been a great thing to help show I was ready to fix myself" kind of way for this girl. I was ready to be what she deserved in the first place. There's a lot I regret, but my biggest was breaking up with her. I'm not trying to force myself back into her life, if anything I would prefer her to accept me back into it, but I want to continue working on myself while waiting for that to happen. I'm just the kind of guy who doesn't like losing people as friends, that's just how I am. Unless I just start to dislike them, then I really don't give a shit. But yeah. Those thoughts are there, making me hate myself a lot more than I really should. I mean they really never left, but I've been trying to distract myself from feeling so bad. Eventually, they just come back... as if I was staring at my own reflection to remind me who I was becoming and what I have done...
I didn't mean it, but I let my anger take over... I won't let that happen again. That's a promise I'm going to keep for myself.
