Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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Yesterday my family on my Dad's side came over for the Christmas party we were having. It was pretty fun! And lasted longer than I thought it would. But god we had to prep for it all the morning and noontime beforehand.
The house was, I wouldn't say a mess, but it was definitely not company material. XD So, we spent a good four hours cleaning up and that involved vacuuming, dusting, wiping down everything, cleaning the garage, moving a table out to put a new one in, and a lot of other stuff. Then I had to help my grandmother cook for 10 other people coming in. We had my grandfather's signature gumbo and potato salad, both recipe's obviously made from scratch. It was enjoyable, but god damn I never wanna mash potatoes again in my life. XD my arm feels like it's 5x bigger than my other arm now.
People came and we mingled for a while and ate. Then, it was present time~ I didn't really get much, which I was never really picky on how much I got or what it was. But I wanna say the best present in the house was the shadow box my dad was working on for my grandfather's veteran flag. He made it for my aunt because he already had my great grandfather's flag. He started tearing up after giving it to her and walked off to his room to try and calm down. Of course, that didn't last long... But it got better after my grandmother and I consoled him and gave him a hug. I didn't want to cry, so I had to be the big man. I miss my grandfather, too...
Anyways! So yeah shortly after everyone left and my dad was feeling better so he wanted for me to play backgammon with him, which I creamed him!!! >:D --after the third attempt the third attempt. ^^; I was cracking jokes the whole time and making him laugh, so I wasn't really concentrating on my moves. XP
So, that was my night with the daddy side~~ today we have the mommy side~~~ part 1. That's right! My mom's parents are divorced! So tomorrow!!!!!! I have to go to another party. XD it's to my mom's dad's side, which I figured they weren't doing anything this year since we usually go to them first, but I guess I was wrong~. Anyways, I just woke up and have to get dressed. I hear people pulling up already.
Warning: just a dash of salt has been placed on this meat
Just got back from my friend's party. It's currently 3:53AM and yes, I know where my pants are. Also, I'm hella drunk. XD Yeah, driving home was more of a challenge than usual when I'm intoxicated. My focus was like as if fucking I could see into your soul or some shit. XD but I'm alive, unfortunately. Just kidding XD not really~ FUCK this life~~~ *probably wouldn't care if I got in a wreck. Still hung up on shit but fuck you my life I do what I want*
Anyways! The party wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. There were a lot of people there and I got to meet some new faces, but yeah. There were people there I haven't seen in a few months that I used to see on a more regular basis. But yeah, I got a lot of hugs and a couple of kisses from mah gay buddies~~~ Like seriously I was really missed like holy shit dude. I know~ I know~ I'm pretty fucking amazing XD just kidding I'm a pathetic sack of shit that can't wait to die or something. I know right? Self esteem is an all time low~~~
I got to play bartender with my friend Matt. We were cooking up a storm at the bar >:3 EVERYONE IS GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT BITCHES!!! WOO!!! I make some mean shit when I'm behind the counter XD but yeah! Matt was just really want to make Irish Coffees and Spiked Hot Chocolate and I'm here mixing everything with everything, but it was fun. God damn did I have quite a lot of alcohol. I dunno I felt I needed it. Have enough stress going on as is, but whatevs.
A couple of my friends were asking me how I've been after he whole break up. I seriously thought that shit was over with with everyone here, but I guess not. Of course, I'm not going to tell them the truth, so I just lied and said I was doing great! :D because that's what people wanna hear! :D Fuck you! XD As if it never phases me anymore! Fucking I had something beautiful and hard to find and now it's gone! How do you fucking think I'm gonna feel? Yeah! Eat a dick! :3 but seriously, I just told them that I was doing better and that I just don't want to talk about it and enjoy the fun.
Fun was fun. We played beer pong, drunk Mario Kart, Halo, sat by an open fire, exchanged gifts (I didn't bring one so I was excluded on that which is fine), had smores, and mingled a lot. I cut my thumb open, too! :D Blood was everywhere~~ I did it with a knife :3 it was by accident though XD I was trying to open a present for my friend because he couldn't and the knife slipped through the packaging and sliced my thumb wide open. I can still feel it pulsate :D ba-bumb~ ba-bumb~ x3
Music! Lots and lots of music. Lots and lots of talk about music. Lots and lots of playing instruments with music! MUSIC!!!! MOTHERFUCKING MUSIC EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!! *hides in the corner from the music* so much music. ;3; nah, it wasn't that bad. XD but a lot of music was involved and I got to show off some more bands people didn't know about and yeah that was fun. There were several songs I had to skip over because they would bring up memories and I'm just like "nuh uh. Don't need that shit right now, phone. Fuck off with your feels you bag of dick tips"
So, yup! I get to wake up to another party pretty much and I'll most likely have a hangover! What fun!!! :D I'm off to bed now because fuck this shit! *flips off everything while going to sleep*
Parties. They're fun, but I'm not really into them much. I have three parties I'm attending. One is tonight at a friend's house, tomorrow we're hosting one with family and then another one Saturday with more family. What's related with all of these? Christmas. Joy. I'm not really big on Christmas parties like I used to be. I still enjoy them, but I don't know. Feels like it kind of lost its luster. Maybe that's just me.
I really don't enjoy getting presents. Not much I do with them anyways and they might not even be useful throughout life, so I usually just ask for money when someone asks what I want. But yeah.
I took a picture of my friend's cat. I'm still planning on getting a cat or two after I move. Definitely getting a black cat for sure.
I made it look ominous and my friend wanted a copy so I sent them both pictures.
Cute cat. It's a mix between a Maine coon and a Siamese. Yup.
I'm not going to lie, it's been getting easier to hide from myself and expressing my feelings. Internally, however, I still feel broken, empty, depressed, I still feel that I just can't move on. And we've been having really great conversations and it's definitely progressing, but that's not what's keeping me from being in love with her. We could totally never talk to each other again and I'd still be into her. What's keeping these feelings around is the fact that she really was the best person and I mean the best in my life. Yeah, we fought and at times it just seemed like everything was going to shit, but she kept holding on because we knew it was going to get better over time.
I was having a really really deep conversation with a few of my friends last night over Xbox. Like these people are probably the closest friends I have. They've been so supportive about a lot of things that I've been going through and have had my back for a long time. Anyways, it started with my friend Lance asking how my girl and I have been. He wasn't too informed about the things that had happened so he didn't really know what happened. But I told him we broke up and he asked what happened and... well I don't know why but I just opened up, like OPENED UP as if my chest ripped itself open and my heart just spilled all over the floor for them to see. I cried in front of them, I broke down so badly, I was so vulnerable... and it's not like I intended to become so vulnerable during it all. I would tell them that like almost anything triggers something in my mind. Like fuck certain songs in the car, my dogs looking for her when her name is said, even just locations that I pass and notice like fucking Dairy Queen! Like seriously... and it's not even that big of a triggered reaction. I see it or hear it or whatever and I just feel bad. My mood changes from whatever to quiet. But I mean, how can I not have that happen. I've known the girl for 5-6 years now and we were growing closer and closer throughout it. So, of course it's going to be super hard for me to just get over it. Of course it's going to be hard to not mentally dwell on what we had. Of course I want to cry all the time because we aren't together anymore. But I don't. Because I can't allow myself to do that. What am I going to gain if I just sit there and sob? That's why when I'm not alone I hide. When I am alone I run from myself. Because if I don't, then I'm fucked.
Everyone here misses her, besides my real life friends, well some of them. Some actually do miss her, but fuck the ones that don't. I'm not close to them much anymore anyways. What sucks is before we broke up, I was thinking of the things she would get to do that I've been doing. What I mean by that is like these parties my parents and family have like during Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. plus I really wanted to take her on that Halloween zombie tour, where you're buddied up and you get a paintball gun and a flashlight and you go through this maze or woods and shoot "zombies" which are just people in make up. And I wanted to take her to The 13th Gate. I had all that in my mind, and now that it's getting towards those times I realize over and over that she can't now. My family loved her and I had to ruin it...
It's all just suck. Just like a big suck.
