Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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So, where am I going to go? I've been planning on moving for a little while now to a different city, but out of state. Most likely it'll happen within 2017, if not early 2018. But I'm still debating on where to go. I definitely want to move to a more urban-y area, but I don't know where. I've been doing some research on different places, how much they'd cost, what the economy would be like looking for work, etc etc. I can't really look for an apartment just yet because I'd rather do that when I'm more prepared to move (lack of income is a current issue at the moment plus there's a possibility that planned living areas can change over time). But so far, these are the cities I am currently debating on:
San Antonio, TX
Dallas, TX
Atlanta, GA
San Diego, CA
Los Angeles, CA
Living in Los Angeles permanently is definitely my dream goal, I mean hell I've been wanting to live there since I was 15 pretty much. But it'll most likely not happen as soon as I would love. I placed it on the list because it's still considered a choice to me. Same with San Diego, but I'll most likely be living on the outskirts if it comes to those two choices. Why do I want to move? I've always wanted to live close to a bigger, more clustered city than the one I live in now. Don't get me wrong, Baton Rouge wil always be home, but it's too open, it's too woodland and there's not much to do here other than stores and great food. Blake, why not just move to New Orleans? Because I don't like New Orleans. I haven't been there a lot, but each time I've gone it left a bad taste in my mouth. Plus people there are assholes. I get that practically any urban city is going to be filled with cock-knobs and anus-shankers, but New Orleans... I am just not a fan of New Orleans people. The only thing I'd be worried about when I am about to move is finding a place and finding a job. I would look now, but offers right now are bound to fluctuate and I'd rather not risk getting stranded at the moment. I'm not planning on rushing into this, but at the same time I'm wanting to move relatively soon.
So, when my ex was living here she was working at an entertainment store. She told me that they were sending out pre-orders for Sun and Moon and so I decided that I'd pre-order them there for her. Recently, I went back to fully pay them off (literally like 5 days ago) and Matt, the general manager there, told me that they still don't know how much they're going to cost so I can't put any money down on them. Fucking hell... I want to pay them off so I don't have to worry about it later, but it's almost release date time, and he said he'd call me when they'd have a price. I'm seriously debating on whether to wait until release day or just go to Gamestop and do my purchases there. I really hate doing that to people, but I'm getting somewhat paranoid with this shit.
I've been getting better at masking my feelings and depression, but it's only seldom that it actually works throughout the day. Like yesterday. My mask completely disappeared and I had to get out of the house. I met up with a couple of people I know and drank until it was like 2 in the morning pretty much. Yeah, yesterday was a very very bad day for me. I was hoping I'd get alcohol poisoning or something, I was that dead. I had to be driven home because I was that out of it. Fucking crying, fucking wanting to just give up on the world, I couldn't take it... But today, I was able to fix that mask, act like nothing is wrong, hanging out with a couple of friends, hope that tomorrow will be ok.
I don't know. I just started feeling more and more depressed throughout the night here. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I know it's something... I just had this bigger feeling of hating myself (nothing new, I know)... I just want to stay curled up under my covers, my stomach has been hurting again and my heart is having a small pain, too. I don't know what the hell os going on, but I know it's most likely connected to my depression and insecurity right now... I don't want to move at all and just keep staring at the candle flickering from across the room. I don't have the will to do anything else really, and even if I did I wouldn't go through with doing anything else. Maybe I should just go to sleep and hope I feel better tomorrow. Maybe I should stay up and just try to endure this feeling until it's over. I hate this.
