Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄
SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄
So, I've been wondering on what I'm going to do with the other worlds that I have. I'm most likely going to keep The Wolf's Howl since I've finally got it up and running, but I'm not too sure what I want to do with the other two. I would love to keep them, but they were meant to have a consistency of posts throughout their lifespans. Unfortunately, I've been neglecting them. So, I'm debating on whether I should keep them or scrap them. RGO might most likely go since I don't really play games much anymore like I used to on a day-to-day basis, unless it's a new game that I'vee been waiting on for god knows how long *coughPokemon S/M, Ace Combat 7, TLoZ: Breath of The Wildcough*. What do you guys think?
I woke up with the biggest knot in my stomach. Yesterday?... fuck yesterday... I feel so numb right now, so empty, so emotionless... I wouldn't care if someone had a gun to my head. I would implore them to pull the fucking trigger... I read that post over and over and over last night... All that fucking hate... and for what? Just changing like I promised I would? What's the point then? Fuck this world... fuck this piece of tainted shit scrub world I live inside of. Reality is such a fucking bother.... end it.
...........so I just read my exes recent post..... I haven't really been bothering her... the last time I tried to contact her was a few days ago just to see how she was.... even before that I've been leaving it alone.... what the hell is going on? Yeah, I miss her a lot, but I mean what did I do to deserve so much hate?.... I know i was not that great of a boyfriend and all I wanna do is better myself now so I can be... for the most part I've been trying to stay out of her hair.............. what the hell, Tea?..... I'm not even talking to other people about you besides Jeremiah really and even to him I haven't been saying you were a bad person, I haven't been doing anything, but bettering myself.................. So why are you being this way towards me?..... I'm out of your life for the most part, I've been leaving you alone. Like I said the last time I bothered you was practically a simple "Hello"............ and now you're acting as if I slaughtered your family........ I've read your posts and you've been saying you pretty much want the best for the both of us, but now you're giving all this negativity. I know what I did during our relationship, I know all that happened, I regret leaving you alone, not being there always to support you. I fucking know all of this............ I've been doing my best now..... the very least I wanted was a little acknowledgement.......... I don't even know what the hell youre talking about! Maybe the reason everyone is talking about me to you, about us, is because they're concerned! I just wanted to fucking better myself..... Fuck dude I even said if anything I'm just looking for your damn friendship. I said like fivr times I'm not looking to get back together right away. If it happens then it happens. I wasnt trying to reignite any feelings, I wasn't trying to pressure you into getting back together with me. And since everyone apparently is pressuring you, you're most likely saying a lot of shit about me to them! I may have done stupid stuff while we were together, but at least I haven't been fucking talking about what you've done to me as well! I've been saying you're a sweet girl! I've been saying you're the greatest thing that happened in my life! I haven't been saying SHIT about you. I haven't been shit-posting about you like you have before! And you know what? I've been taking 99% of the blame as to why this relationship wasn't entirely holding up. But the truth is, it's about fucking 50-50! And you know what sucks? When I finally realized what "I" have been doing wrong this whole time, what I needed to do to make us work better, you fucking snap after I broke up with you. I didn't fucking mean to break up with you, but you were fucking holding personal shit over my head! I admitted and regretted that shit about my relative, I regretted anything I said about mine and yours. But you can't seem to give a fucking break, can you? I may have mentally bent you and I'm SO, SO, SO fucking sorry, it wasn't my god damn intention to have that happen to you, but what youve done to me? You know why I never bring any of that shit up in my posts? Because nobody else needs to know. It's not their business! It's shit between you and me. And I'm sure as hell you've been talking to your group about me like you always do. Fuck I don't even tell my parents what you've done to me. I don't tell anybody what happened and if they see things and ask me about it, I fucking lie to them. I wanted this to work a lot more than you think. And you know what the fuck is sad? I'm still waiting! Because I still want this to fucking work! Excuse me for still loving you! Excuse me that my feelings are still intimately the same! EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING MY GOD DAMN BEST TO BE WHAT I SAID ID BE!
....what the fuck, man..... all I wanted to do now was to be the best I could be for you...... what's so wrong about that?..... what's wrong with realizing my faults and fixing them?....... The sucky part about this post is I'm going to regret even typing all of this up and I'm most likely going to remove it and apologize about it..... I mean shit I've been writing posts about myself not even for a fucking pity party. If people fucking feel bad for me that's on them, but nobody has so what's your problem with my posts?... they're not even about you they don't say anything irrational about you, so it's like what the hell?..... Hell im fucking sitting here playing with the phone charm you gave me, holding in my fucking tears from reading what I read.... I just don't get it, dude....
So, I've been working on my health for a little while now and physically I'm feeling better. I've got more energy to do things, I've been a little more productive than I used to be, I've a good bit of weight so I'm looking better, too! Initially, before I started dieting, I weighed 270lbs. That's a fucking lot for my height (5'8")! In about a months time, from eating healthier, drinking only water and tea, working out for the past two weeks, I currently weigh 244lbs. My current goal is to get back to 200lbs, but my main goal is to get back to 180lbs. Then I'm gonna build more muscle and tone myself. I just wanna get back to that weight because damn I looked good ;D Jk XDD I'm still having a lot of trouble to get motivated due to my depression, I doubt it'll really go away anytime soon, but at least I'm finally doing this. I would post pictures, but I'm still pretty insecure about my body when it comes to shirtless pictures and such. Maybe at a later date I'll do a B/A post. I dunno lol but I'm just glad I'm physically becoming what I wanted to be. Maybe I'll get myself another 6-pack like I did when I was younger ;D *shot dead* I'm kidding XP I was thinking about getting my bike out and going biking, too. I haven't ridden that thing in like three years. Oh what fun that'll be~
Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you all have a good night tonight. If you're in the US, stay safe from the clowns! Or murder them. Whichever~
I'm probably not going to do anything for tonight. I don't really have much of a reason to do anything. I'll most likely be watching an anime or something. Anyways, have a good one.
