Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄
SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄
It's my grandmother's birthday today. Well, it was actually a few days ago, but we're celebrating it today. She turned 69, ah what a young age lol XD Anyways, I'm glad family came over, I really needed a distraction from my depression today. I woke up this morning with my stomach turning inside-out. Holy shit was it hurting. I felt like I was going to throw up, but I didn't. So, yeah, that's good.
I was able to fix my radio in my car after like 5 months of not having it. Turns out it was just a fuse for my amp, but it was a fuse that was pretty hard to find. I don't think they make it anymore, but I was able to find it. Yay~
I think I really needed today to happen right now. I know my depression is going to slope back down after today, but it feels good to have a break from it (somewhat). I'm pretty much masking most of it, but at least I'm acting more stable, especially in front of my family. I'd hate to ruin today for my grandmother.
Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of this ongoing depression and self-hatred. Thoughts of suicide and hatred were cluttering my head that morning and afternoon I couldn't take it. I was crying and beating myself up so badly, wanting to just end myself I had to leave the house. Fortunately, my friend, Jeremiah, texted me and wanted me to come over, so I figured I needed somebody real to talk to and he's usually very supportive. So I got there and immediately he knew something was wrong. So we talked, mainly about me missing her, wondering if she misses me back, me getting better, and how he compared his relationship with my relationship which, in all honesty, was VERY comparable. I asked him how he was able to make her hold on and he told me. They were very good pointers. I just wish I had more time right now... I told him if I get any worse that I might need to be put on suicide watch... I hate the thought of my own death, it's one of my biggest phobias right now. But, I'm getting to the point where I feel it would probably be necessary... being so alone without this girl in any way is killing me... Mentally, this girl was my life. I just wish I would've shown her that a lot better. If I even had the slightest chance right now, I would show her that I was wrong. I would show her that I'm changing myself like I promised before she left. I would just show her everything... I've lost friends over this, but I honestly don't care. If they don't want to be supportive, then fuck them. They think she was a mean person and that I'm following a bad dream. They don't know her. They don't know what she's been through and why she acted certain ways towards me. I could've ended it a long time ago, but I didn't. Because I know this girl is a sweet girl trying to get through life. I messed up and I just want to show her that I understood what I've done, and that I've thought about a lot. Maybe I really did just need some time alone to think. I don't know, but I do know that I needed to better myself and I have (besides the depression. That's a little hard to get over). I just want to get through to her and show her. That's all I would love to do right now.
My stomach has been hurting all day today. All of these memories keep flooding into my head as if it was stuck in some sort of memory compactor. I don't know lol I'm just being stupid. But I'm all seriousness my emotions are getting to me again... I kind of shut myself into seclusion again... I just don't want to talk to other people right now, hell not even my parents really. I took some Advil earlier because I was getting a headache, but I don't think it really helped much. All I did today was just lay on the couch and watch Netflix while just brooding over all of this. It mainly just consisted of wanting to talk to her and wondering if she even misses me at all. I wish this was just a sick game. I wouldn't even be mad if that was the case. I completely understand how she felt at times when she felt alone... the sad thing is I didn't even mean for that to happen... I just wish she would talk to me, you know? It's like I've even been steering away from my own "lifestyle". Not because I want to, but because it's actually just got boring... Hell, I'm barely even playing games anymore, I've been wanting to go to places (I kind of have been... somewhat... it's just by myself) and I just want her right beside me again... I'm being severely calm about all of this, but I just want to go back to being together and doing stuff... together, you know? I miss her so, so, so much... I just wish she felt the same...
Like last time, I apologize for being so down, but I really can't help it... This girl, even if she didn't think it, meant a lot to me. I should've showed it more than I did, but I know better now... I know A LOT better now...
Hey, guys. Today is the 26th. It's not much of an important day to you, but to me, it meant something. Even if it's not a very specific 26th, this number of each month really meant something to me and it reminded me of a special day four years ago every time I were to encounter it. I don't know whether to love or hate this day of the months anymore because it brings me both happiness and grief; happiness of what once was and grief of what is now... I don't know what I'm going to do... realizing what day of the month it is really got me super depressed and I know I'm going to be for the whole day most likely... not that I'm already not super depressed as is, but you get the idea. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything later today. I'll most likely just stay in bed and be a depressed nobody. I guess I can say at least I have my dogs to help cheer me up at times.
What can I say? These three have been helping me through my depression (somewhat) throughout this month. I'm glad I have them around to distract me from my thoughts and feelings. I love them so much and I'm glad to have them in my life, especially right now.
So, I want to apologize to you guys for having to hear nothing but my own sadness from me this past month. Like I know it's nobody else's problem and I tend to keep my problems to myself, but I've been an emotional wreck mentally and I need an out. I hate burdening people with my thoughts and emotions in the first place, so I usually don't say anything. But I really don't have anyone to talk to now about this. When I had a problem I would just tell my ex what was up, but now that Isn't a possibility. The majority of my really life friends don't wanna hear it anymore and I actually lost a couple of them because of this. I can't turn to my parents or family because all they'll pretty much say is "It'll be ok." and such. This is the only out I can think of right now... if you want to unfollow me because it gets annoying to keep reading this negativity and grief, then I completely understand. But this is the only way I can think of releasing this stress I'm having, which in all honesty isn't doing too much... Again, I'm sorry if my ranting and venting is bothering you, but it'll most likely continue. This was a big thing in my life and I can't just be like "well fuck it! It's not a big deal" because, to me, it really was a big deal. Yeah, I messed up, like 95% of it is my fault, but it's not that easy to get over it. I have been working on myself, though (at least I feel I've be improving).
I've definitely started being a lot more responsible about what I do and how I think. Plus, I've been going to the gym more often. Unfortunately, I've been going by myself (I despise going by myself), but it's helping me become a lot more fit, also with the fact that I've been eating a lot healthier. I still am having a hard time eating more, but at least I don't go a day without eating something like I was earlier. I'm just glad there's some progress going on in something right now. I just miss her all the time, you know?
I'm still missing her. Honestly, I'm being so pathetic about this. I'm doing my best to be cheerful and not show my true emotions to people, but the truth is it's taking a toll on me. I can't mask them like I used to. Hell, I was at my friend Jeremiah's house yesterday and I pretty much broke down to him saying I'm a fuck up and everything... he was being supportive and saying who knows what'll happen in the future. We might get back together and stuff. It's sad and pathetic of me that I keep waiting everyday for a text I know won't ever come... He concluded with two options for me: either move on or keep holding on until something happens. Move on? I mean, I know exactly why I'm holding on, but it's like I can't just let go that easily even though I know I'll never get another chance... I am kind of glad I got to talk to him. He said he was able to relate in certain aspects with me. Such a good friend, that he is. I was able to regain my composure and continue chilling with him after a little while and apologized about what happened. But yeah... it's getting rough on me mentally and emotionally. What can I do? I do love her. I just hope I can get better at masking my emotions again.
