Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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The weeks feel like they're going by much faster, but I feel I'm going slower. Unfortunately, I'm still lacking quite a bit of sleep and my stomach is still churning. I've been trying to keep myself distracted by watching anime and such again, but even then I find my mind wandering back to her. I've started taking some sleeping pills, but they're ineffective and just give me a small high. I hate this. I feel so defeated, yet I'm not giving up on her. I'm still being patient, but my mind races so much. It's hella exhausting. I just want an acknowledgement to my existence or something... it's like I get I fucked up, yeah I fucked up bad, but I'm ready to repent and try again, even if it's back to just square one. I've said it before: she's not leaving my heart.
She said I was as bad as her ex. I get it, I really do, but at the same time, her ex was doing a lot worse stuff than I ever did and practically used her. I'm willing to just correct myself in the faults I were in. I told her I'd never do those things he did. There were a couple, but that was more based on anger like arguing and just walking away and not following her. That's all I can see really which is still a lot lighter compared to what he did. I get that she's had enough of that altogether. But, why can't I just have a good realization and just give it another shot? I don't want to be like him. I tried not to be like him. So, why can't I correct my own faults for you? I get that I was wrong, I should've just called that day and this shit would've never happened in the first place. We'd still be together as far as I'm aware. My lifestyle is honestly changing and it has slowly been even before you left. Now it's not because I'm doing it for you, it's because I'm doing it for myself. I need to. But in the end I still want to be with you so we can do things together and just become happier with each other. I'm changing, but I want you to see me changing even if we're just friends.
Sorry guys, I kind of just started ranting at the end. But yeah... I'm just a wreck trying to fix himself back up right now. Also, I don't think losing 3 pounds in two days from lack of eating is healthy. I'm trying to eat more, but I keep just throwing it up later. I might have to go see a doctor about that, even though I pretty much know what's causing it.
The back of my head feels like it got hit by a baseball bat.
So, I said out loud to myself what I would want to tell my ex if I were to ever get the chance and I just started sobbing. I couldn't help it, it just started and wouldn't stop for like half an hour. I know why, though. I know how big of a fuck up I really am to have let her slip through my fingers. I hate what I've become, but I want to be what I was. I just want this to go back to how it was... not like how it was now, I want to go back to how it was when we were our happiest. My goal right now is to become that, for me. But not with anyone else. If I have to wait 50 years to get another shot with this girl, then I'll wait those 50 years. I told myself I'm not moving on, I'm not dating anyone else. I told her that, too. We promised to better ourselves for each other after she left, well, in sticking with it. I'm determined to become better. If I have to take counseling to do that, then I will. It is time to grow up, I should've done that a while ago. But, I will wait. I'm not going to lose her in my heart. I wish she would talk to me. Hell, even a "Hi" would be nice. It would help just calm things down a bit. I wish I knew what she was feeling. I mean I know what she's feeling on the outside, but I wish I knew how she felt deep deep down. It'd be nice to just have another chance to get it right, you know? I'm not trying to demand it, but it'd make me happy to just hear from her. I feel so secluded and empty. Like a really big chunk of my purpose to exist is just missing.
So I tried listening to my favorite band again after a month and I just can't. They just remind me of my ex and I just break down. Pathetic, isn't it? I don't think so. We shared a very great interest and that was this band. But now I can't even listen to them without thinking about her, not that she isn't in on my mind 24/7 already, but you get the idea. It's all just a bag of dicks thanks to me. I miss singing these songs with her...
I miss her, guys. I wish she would just talk to me. These mornings have been very lonely, and I miss seeing that face and hearing that voice... I even miss seeing the texts. I wonder if she misses me at all. Probably not. She made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I've been wanting to go to places for a while now, being home all the time is getting to be boring, especially by myself. I thought it would be better, but hell even like right after she left I wanted to go to places. My friends are either busy, or my depression kicks in more and I just don't want to go anywhere. I just wish she would talk to me. I hate this so much.
Yesterday while I was at the store I thought I heard her say my name, but it was just some damn girl talking about baking... I almost broke down and cried there I was so excited... but I kept my composer and kept shopping. I really have nobody to talk to about this which is why I just post them here. What sucks is I had a gift planned in my head for her when she gets back or when I went there or just whenever we had gotten to see each other again... I think she would've liked it, but I was never really great at gifts lol
I've been improving myself, besides having to weave through depression. I've been thinking about things that piss me off and instead of just getting mad, I've been figuring out how to resolve them instead. Plus, I lost 10 more pounds in the last week and a half, even though that's just from not really eating much and not going out to get food all the time. So that's good. I just wish she was here to see the slow improvements.
I still wish I had just called her that day. It was my fault; I got distracted in doing something else rather than talking to her, but that's no excuse. That's pretty much how our last argument started. I'm still waiting and not messaging her. but I really, really miss her. My heart and stomach are still hurting, thanks to myself, but I'm still standing strong, hoping.
I've been getting stomach problems ever since the break up. I get that that's a natural thing to happen when a situation like this just occurs, but it's really getting me scared... it's been getting worse these past few days... I might actually have to go see a doctor because this shit is really feeling like it's turning me inside out. I haven't been able to get good sleep, only a few hours at a time before waking up with pain. I get it's a mix between hunger and depression since I'm not really eating well, but still... I already know what's causing it depression wise. Well, technically if you think about it, it's mostly from depression... I just wish this would get better, I wish she'd give me one more chance... or hell at least talk to me... I hate this feeling... but it makes me wonder if she's going through the same thing... I'm highly sure she is which makes me feel like even more shit, but I honestly don't know how she feels about me now. It's been a while since we actually spoke without tension going on... I'm sure she'll get over me, i don't know about myself, I still love her and I want to be with her. I can still hope one day she will change her mind, but that might just not happen... I miss he so much and I'm actually about to start crying just thinking about it again... THAT'S ANOTHER THING! My eyes have been hurting non stop I just want to gouge them out. But seriously... I just hate myself... horribly... hate... myself.
