Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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Today has been a bad day for me. My mind is so clouded its unreal. I got back in medication because during the past few years I couldn't focus on anything. I literally had a one track mind and wasn't able to retain anything that happened or what was said to me very well. All I could think of was the "present" when it was. Hell it was so bad I forgot shit within several minutes o f being told.
I was diagnosed ADHD back when I was younger and I was really hyper. Today in my life, I'm a lot more mature than I used to be (I still have my moments), but the ADD is still there. The doctor told me that you can grow out of being hyperactive, but I'm still forgetful and clueless. So he put me on medication. i shouldn't have gotten off of it in the first place. The only reasons I got off of it was because it made me depressed easier and I felt like I didn't need it anymore.
Since I was off of my medication for so long we ha to start at a small dosage again. Honestly, throughout my life I've been on several medications, each leading to a very high dosage, switching until I found the right prescription and dosage. I'm scared I might have to do this again. I'm not even the one paying it; my parents are. I feel really bad because they're paying so much for me and we have so little money. No, we're not poor, dad has a well paying job and we own a business, but it's extra money that we can't really use and they're using it on me. I've been trying to find a job to help them pay or bills and such, but the economy is so shitty here and the military wont take me in because I was diagnosed with a disability (which I find so stupid).
So I really hate myself today because I'm fucking up a lot of things and a few people are getting hurt because of me. And I don't even mean to hurt them! Everything I've said was unintentional. I just can't think straight today... Hell I apparently gave my mom an attitude and I didn't even realize I was. I didn't mean to, but I was and I feel really bad for it... I feel really bad for hurting her. She and my father have done so much for me and I'm not doing anything to repay them... Today's just an awful day to do anything....
I'm really sorry for everyone I had hurt.
I dunno. I'm bored lol
I will be posting something pretty interesting for you iphone users and you won't have to jailbreak your phone ^^
01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? Her personality and how we kept bumping into each other. Similar interests and such.
02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you? A couple of bruises, but only when I touch them or bump into something.
03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night? About my girlfriend.
04: what are you listening to? Stay Together For The Kids - Blink-182
05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to? I don't know right now.
06: where do you think your best friend is right now? Most likely at home sleeping.
07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days? Yes, my girlfriend when I went to meet her.
08: sex on the first date? If you want me to openly admit my answer it'll $40,000 :3 You'll most likely not get the answer afterwards x3
09: kiss on the first date? Yes.
10: is there one person you want to be with right now? My girlfriend.
11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life? Yes and no. I feel as if I could do better in my life, but I'm happy with what I have.
12: is there something you would like to say to someone? JEREMY! STOP BEING A SAMMICH AND GET BACK TO WORK YOU HETEROSEXUAL BISCUIT!
13: what are three things you did today? I checked my phone for texts, played my drum set and went to get some food.
14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? I don't mind either way.
15: what is your favorite kind of gum? Hmm... Chewing gum: Juicy Fruit. Bubble gum: Hubba Bubba.
16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? A couple. One of them is actually my best friend.
17: what is on your wrists right now? A titanium brace, and an entrance wristband for a Bar/Club.
18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? Yes. I'm with her right now. I thought I didn't stand a chance in the beginning of our friendship, but it felt like the chance started to progressively increase in size, so I kept going for it. Yeah, there were times where it felt like it died down, had some girlfriends in between, but I kept going for it. And, well, here I am with her in the end. ^^
19: does anyone have strong feelings for you? Yes.
20: are you slowly drifting away from someone? A couple of my old real life friends. They stopped talking to me after a while so, yeah. Of course, they could just be busy all the time now. *shrugs*
21: have you ever wasted your time on someone? Yup.
22: can you do the alphabet in sign language? Sadly, I don't know sign language. I really should learn, because my aunt and uncle are both deaf and I've never really had a legit conversation with them throughout my life.
23: how have you felt today? Anxious. My girlfriend is going through surgery Don't ask coz I'm not saying. I get worried talking about it. so I wanna know how it went.
24: you receive $60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? I'd save it.
25: what is wrong with you right now? A little worried.
26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? At the moment, no.
27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now? I've never had Jamba Juice, so Starbucks lol
28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? Straight up bitch.
29: how late did you stay up last night and why? Well I fell asleep around like 12AM or so, then I woke up a few hours later, went back to sleep and woke up again around 7AM and stayed up.
30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Last Monday.
31: what were you doing an hour ago? Playing drums.
32: what are you looking forward to in the next month? Next month: nothing really. This month: My 1-year Anniversary with my girlfriend.
33: are you wearing jeans right now? No.
34: are you a patient person? Depends on the situation.
35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months? Of course.
36: favorite color? Black.
37: did you have a dream last night? No.
38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? Black and red shorts.
39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? My girlfriend.
40: do you love anyone who is not related to you? Yes.
41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? If it's not my girlfriend, then no. I'd rather not have obstacles like that pop up.
42: do you like meeting new people? I do, but I get shy around them at first. If it's over the internet then it's just easier because you have time to figure out what to say, you can't see them and etc.
43: are you afraid of falling in love? I'm already in love.
44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself? Yes.
45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah, quite a few people.
46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Almost all the time.
Lol needed a little Ed, Edd and Eddy reference there. Some of you kids may be too young to know who Ed, Edd and Eddy were. GO LOOK THEM UP BECAUSE IM TO LAZY TO TELL YOU! >:(
Anyways today strikes the 11th MONTHAVERSARY BETWEEN US TWO!!!! And then next well ill be there with her for almost a whole week. I'm really excited! I've been planning o coming to see her even before we got together. And now I am! :D it'll be one of the best 5 days in my life. I really can't wait til I can move back to Cali. I was born so I should reside there. That's how I see it. Of course, it'll probably be a few years before I can. Not everyone is wealthy enough to do whatever they want. :P ANYWAYS! Only one more month until we hit a legit anniversary. I'm very excited about that too ^^
I love you imouto. I can't wait to come see you :3
It's practically useless to try and be who you used to be. Once you lose everything, it's gone. Is there really a point to try and regain it when you know it's highly impossible? I've tried several times, but gained nothing. Why? There are some things that stay, things that forget you and things that whither away or leave. The things I had lost progressively over the passed several months fall under the second and third category. As funny as it sounds, I'm envious of trees. Because in summer they start off looking amazing with their leaves. Then, autumn strikes and the tree slowly loses its leaves starting to leave it bare. Winter hits and the tree is left with nothing but the bark surrounding it. But eventually, spring comes along and it slowly progresses into becoming that beautiful tree it was previous summer.
I wish I was able to hold on to the people I talked to and my friends, but they either left or just forgotten about me. Believe me when I say I know what it really feels like to be alone throughout your childhood. Yeah, I had my parents, but were not talking about them right now. And I'm sure there are people out there who have had it worse. But when you've experienced gaining friendship, knowing the fact that you are well-known, you just don't wanna let go of that.
I'm really glad I have my girlfriend and that we've known each other these passed three years. And even though we get into some hardships and fights (like the majority of couples in the world), I really cherish her and love her with all my heart. Unfortunately, the thought of losing her because of something still lingers. The worry feeling will always be there, but I trust her and I'm sure she trusts me to where the worrying feeling can be placed aside.
Just remember, whoever is reading this, if you having something or things that make you happy, make sure you hold on to them. Because if you don't, it'll hurt you.
