Whether you know or don't, I messed up with my girlfriend. We've been dating for over four years and I finally messed up bad. I honestly didn't mean to, but I got so heated with her that I said the most stupidest shit ever: "I'm done with you". But, in all honesty, I'm not... I know I need to own it and continue my life, but how can I stop four years of loving her? Yeah, I know I wasn't the best of boyfriends, and I know I'm not really obligated to try anymore, but it's not that damn easy to just be like "Oh, since we're officially broken up, I can continue my life with someone new or focus on work now and my life!" I love her, and I know that I wasn't great at showing it, but I genuinely love her. And, in all honesty, I'm scared... I'm trying to just better myself and I wanted her to see that. Not necessarily to be together, but to just see that "Hey! I have the potential to be what I used to be!"
I was never really a great guy, if anything I was... tolerable? But, I also know I wasn't a complete dickhead like I became over the years. Yeah, I get stress and such overtime can change a person, but a lot of older stress has been lifted and I feel more... happy? Not that I'm happy I left her, oh god no. That just created more stress in its own category. No, it's more of I feel that I can finally start bettering myself to become what I used to be. Not like the person who cracked jokes all the time and acted stupid just to get a laugh or two, but the person who would stay up to help with your problems, talk to you when you were down and all around just wanted to see you smile. The person who was just there, ready to help, regardless of whether you needed them or not. I wasn't entirely great at it, but I didn't give up as much as I do now.
I know words can't do shit. I know that to prove something you have to show it, but how can I now? She moved away and blocked me on everything, as far as I'm aware. I just... really miss her. I miss the old me. I want to be the old me. I'm trying to become the old me. But what's the point of becoming someone if you have nobody to show it to? Well, I mean you can show it to somebody else, but I honestly do not want anybody else... and no I'm not writing this as some sappy bullshit story to have people feel bad for me. Hell, if anything I deserve hatred and anger. Even my family and friends are like "Blake... you're a fucking retard." My family loved her and even wanted us to be married (yeah, so did I... me and my big fucking mouth, right?...). Anyways, It's more for me than anything else. It's to remind me how great I had it and then let it slip through my fingers. Honestly, if I could just go back in time (oh boy. Here comes that sci-fi fantasy shit), I'd first off, probably freak out my past self for just appearing in front of him, second, tell him that the relationship is going sour and to step up his A-game by telling him what's happening, third, punch my cousin's baby-daddy for being a fucking bag of dick tips (different story for a different post? Nah, just personal issues with him) and finally go further back in time to get another snow cone. Because god damn our snow cones are awesome. It can't be denied. But, yeah...
I just wish I was a better boyfriend throughout this relationship. Like they say, "Live and learn. Don't dwell on the past and look forward to the future." Yeah, ok. As if I can and want to do that right now... Fucking hell I messed up...