The back of my head feels like it got hit by a baseball bat.

So, I said out loud to myself what I would want to tell my ex if I were to ever get the chance and I just started sobbing. I couldn't help it, it just started and wouldn't stop for like half an hour. I know why, though. I know how big of a fuck up I really am to have let her slip through my fingers. I hate what I've become, but I want to be what I was. I just want this to go back to how it was... not like how it was now, I want to go back to how it was when we were our happiest. My goal right now is to become that, for me. But not with anyone else. If I have to wait 50 years to get another shot with this girl, then I'll wait those 50 years. I told myself I'm not moving on, I'm not dating anyone else. I told her that, too. We promised to better ourselves for each other after she left, well, in sticking with it. I'm determined to become better. If I have to take counseling to do that, then I will. It is time to grow up, I should've done that a while ago. But, I will wait. I'm not going to lose her in my heart. I wish she would talk to me. Hell, even a "Hi" would be nice. It would help just calm things down a bit. I wish I knew what she was feeling. I mean I know what she's feeling on the outside, but I wish I knew how she felt deep deep down. It'd be nice to just have another chance to get it right, you know? I'm not trying to demand it, but it'd make me happy to just hear from her. I feel so secluded and empty. Like a really big chunk of my purpose to exist is just missing.