The weeks feel like they're going by much faster, but I feel I'm going slower. Unfortunately, I'm still lacking quite a bit of sleep and my stomach is still churning. I've been trying to keep myself distracted by watching anime and such again, but even then I find my mind wandering back to her. I've started taking some sleeping pills, but they're ineffective and just give me a small high. I hate this. I feel so defeated, yet I'm not giving up on her. I'm still being patient, but my mind races so much. It's hella exhausting. I just want an acknowledgement to my existence or something... it's like I get I fucked up, yeah I fucked up bad, but I'm ready to repent and try again, even if it's back to just square one. I've said it before: she's not leaving my heart.
She said I was as bad as her ex. I get it, I really do, but at the same time, her ex was doing a lot worse stuff than I ever did and practically used her. I'm willing to just correct myself in the faults I were in. I told her I'd never do those things he did. There were a couple, but that was more based on anger like arguing and just walking away and not following her. That's all I can see really which is still a lot lighter compared to what he did. I get that she's had enough of that altogether. But, why can't I just have a good realization and just give it another shot? I don't want to be like him. I tried not to be like him. So, why can't I correct my own faults for you? I get that I was wrong, I should've just called that day and this shit would've never happened in the first place. We'd still be together as far as I'm aware. My lifestyle is honestly changing and it has slowly been even before you left. Now it's not because I'm doing it for you, it's because I'm doing it for myself. I need to. But in the end I still want to be with you so we can do things together and just become happier with each other. I'm changing, but I want you to see me changing even if we're just friends.
Sorry guys, I kind of just started ranting at the end. But yeah... I'm just a wreck trying to fix himself back up right now. Also, I don't think losing 3 pounds in two days from lack of eating is healthy. I'm trying to eat more, but I keep just throwing it up later. I might have to go see a doctor about that, even though I pretty much know what's causing it.