Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of this ongoing depression and self-hatred. Thoughts of suicide and hatred were cluttering my head that morning and afternoon I couldn't take it. I was crying and beating myself up so badly, wanting to just end myself I had to leave the house. Fortunately, my friend, Jeremiah, texted me and wanted me to come over, so I figured I needed somebody real to talk to and he's usually very supportive. So I got there and immediately he knew something was wrong. So we talked, mainly about me missing her, wondering if she misses me back, me getting better, and how he compared his relationship with my relationship which, in all honesty, was VERY comparable. I asked him how he was able to make her hold on and he told me. They were very good pointers. I just wish I had more time right now... I told him if I get any worse that I might need to be put on suicide watch... I hate the thought of my own death, it's one of my biggest phobias right now. But, I'm getting to the point where I feel it would probably be necessary... being so alone without this girl in any way is killing me... Mentally, this girl was my life. I just wish I would've shown her that a lot better. If I even had the slightest chance right now, I would show her that I was wrong. I would show her that I'm changing myself like I promised before she left. I would just show her everything... I've lost friends over this, but I honestly don't care. If they don't want to be supportive, then fuck them. They think she was a mean person and that I'm following a bad dream. They don't know her. They don't know what she's been through and why she acted certain ways towards me. I could've ended it a long time ago, but I didn't. Because I know this girl is a sweet girl trying to get through life. I messed up and I just want to show her that I understood what I've done, and that I've thought about a lot. Maybe I really did just need some time alone to think. I don't know, but I do know that I needed to better myself and I have (besides the depression. That's a little hard to get over). I just want to get through to her and show her. That's all I would love to do right now.