The last couple of days have been... well, lacking in excitement on my part. Don't get me wrong, the parties were fine and I enjoyed my family's company, but honestly throughout it, I've been thinking about my ex and how much fun she would've had. I know, I know, I'm sure you guys are like "oh, god... here we go again. Just get over her, dude!" Believe me when I say I have been trying, but it's not that easy when you were expecting to live the rest of your life with this person; when you had finally put everything you had into making the relationship more stable, and then messed up in the end of it. I was truly ready to settle down completely with this girl. I was even preparing on getting an engagement ring for when she came back. I thought that'd be a nice surprise after having a vacation... and that thought haunts me almost everyday. Not in a bad way, but more like a "it would've been a great thing to help show I was ready to fix myself" kind of way for this girl. I was ready to be what she deserved in the first place. There's a lot I regret, but my biggest was breaking up with her. I'm not trying to force myself back into her life, if anything I would prefer her to accept me back into it, but I want to continue working on myself while waiting for that to happen. I'm just the kind of guy who doesn't like losing people as friends, that's just how I am. Unless I just start to dislike them, then I really don't give a shit. But yeah. Those thoughts are there, making me hate myself a lot more than I really should. I mean they really never left, but I've been trying to distract myself from feeling so bad. Eventually, they just come back... as if I was staring at my own reflection to remind me who I was becoming and what I have done...

I didn't mean it, but I let my anger take over... I won't let that happen again. That's a promise I'm going to keep for myself.