God damn it! Just when I was about to feel better about myself, just when I was certain things were going to be decently better, I get thrown back into my little corner of "joy"... I was going through my photos on my phone and deleting ones that I didn't care for anymore.... and there they were... photos of us... from our trip to the gardens down here and the concert we went to in Texas... fucking... god... damn it... I never gave her these photos and I have been meaning to... It's been pretty much 4 months now... and I was starting to forget her face because it's been so long... and then I had these photos, these memories... to remind me what she looked like... and what I had... it reminded me that we could have fun... it reminded me what I wanted after she came back... and then it strikes me again that she's gone... and the feelings... the loneliness, everything I thought that was finally starting to dissipate starts rushing back into me and now I feel as horrible as I did when we broke up... now I miss her so much and I wish she would talk to me and I want to cry and I just severely hate myself... I miss her so damn much... I can't take it... I really can't take the silence... I can't fucking do it.... I just wanted us to be better.... why did this have to happen?...

I don't know what to do with these pictures and videos anymore... I want to keep them and delete them... I want our relationship to have worked... I want her to talk to me again... is it really too much to ask for?... I really can't take it anymore...

I wish she had the same ideas and thoughts I have... just have that thought inside her head of what were to happen if we were still together or what were to happen if we tried working on our current bond... I've had those thoughts on and off very frequently these past few months... which is why I wish she would have let me try when we just broke up. I really felt I could have saved it... I really really felt that... you don't realize what you had until it's gone, so why wouldn't you try to work on getting that back?... why wouldn't you work on having what shows through these photos?...