So, I think I know what's wrong and why I get so depressed. Well, obviously she was the love of my life so that's there. What I think it is, is when I try to think about other people (not necessarily people I know) I come to realize that what I had was what I wanted in a girlfriend even before I met her. Do you know how rare it is to accomplish that? It's so hard to find that kind of relationship. I mean yeah, you have dating sites to help you filter that out a little more easier, but Theo isn't a dating site. We met pretty much back in '10 not knowing what the other person was really like. And then we opened up and found out that we had a lot more in common than what was thought. And yes, I'm excluding the fighting because that was honestly something both sides could have fixed had we chosen it. You know that's true. The fighting would've been worked on had we stayed together, we both know that's what we were going to work on while being away from each other and when she came back in order to better ourselves for each other.

Anyways, then there's the random thoughts of her. Like I could be doing whatever and then either something just reminds me of her or it just pops in my head. To be honest, I do wonder if she thinks of me. Not like misses me or whatever, but like just have random thoughts and be like "oh that reminded me of Blake" or "oh yeah, Blake liked/hated that" or whatever. I wouldn't know since she doesn't talk to me. It'd be cool to have a sign or something, but that's asking too much.

I think what really sucks and makes me depressed the most is just not having her around. She would say after we broke up that I was just missing a body to sleep next to or a body to hug or whatever and I stress that that isn't the case. I've already had enough instances with friends and people to have conversations like today during work or these past 4 months to prove that isn't the case. I just miss HER. And yes that includes missing her sleeping next to me in bed or even in the car driving somewhere. And no I don't mean anything sexual by it. I miss her because even though we would argue at times, she was still really great company. Better company than even my friends. Now, I just feel alone... Not like "oh I don't have a girlfriend anymore" alone, but like she really was everything I had when it came to company since my friends are either dicks or rarely talk to me in the first place. So, I enjoyed her company a lot more. I enjoyed being around her a lot EXCLUDING when I'd walk away from an arguement. That's where it's different. She prefers to handle the arguement immediately, where I prefer to wait until everything is calmer or just not talk about it right then, which I get isn't exactly the best thing to do because then they think you're ignoring them and it just makes a mess. Believe me, I've been working on that and just accepting that the logical thing to do is to just finish it and grovel if you make a mistake. She was right about that, but I mean we're both pretty stubborn when it comes to being right. But like I said, I'm still working on that for myself.

I will say that I do hate the silence. Wanting to say "Hi" and not being able to is a severe burden and it does twist my stomach from time to time. Maybe one day she'll say something. I don't know... I guess I just have false hopes because I still care or something.