I was going through my phone to delete a lot of pictures, since I'll be switching phones very soon, and I stumble across the garden and tobasco pictures again. I completely forgot that I still had them. I should post them up on instagram, but they bring up so many memories... I don't know if I should. Maybe just a few? A couple of them made me laugh. Like the one where my ex is pulling on a giant tobasco bottle, and where we're making goofy faces, and the cat. That laughter quickly turned into sobbing.
It's been a while since I cried... everything just flooded back in and I felt like I was drowning... just remembering everything, what we had, what we were going to fix, our last goodbye... yeah, the relationship was problematic, there's no doubt about that, but what relationship isn't? There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But you can work on it to become a better one... that's what was going to happen...
I wonder at times if she even still has my number... I doubt it, though, but I do still wonder. I still have hers, or at least what might still be hers. She could've changed it, I don't know. It's been almost 4 months since we last spoke? Something along that timeframe.
I do wonder if she really misses me, though. A part of me believes she does, where another part of me thinks I'm being a complete fucking idiot to believe such a stupid thing. I'm very conflicted in the mind these days.
I decided to keep the hamster. It'd be wrong to throw it out. I just sat it in my closet so I wouldn't see it.
I'm not going to lie, I miss being happy all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have days where I'm ok especially hanging out with friends irl and online, but... I just miss being HAPPY. You know? Like the happiness of coming home knowing someone is waiting for you or just being around someone that cares about you, wanting to know about your day and such... I mean I wasn't very good at explaining my days, but I still tried. Not my fault everyday was the same when it came to work...
Sorry, if I'm rambling into different topics or whatever. I just need to get a lot off of my chest. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things anymore. My ex was the person I generally went to about stress and things... even though I didn't really say much about what bothered me because I didn't want to be a burden. It sucks because I can feel myself becoming a complete introvert again. At least when it comes to emotions. I still go out with friends a lot more now, so I'm not cooped up in the house all the time anymore. There are some places I avoid going to because it brings up memories. Honestly, I have a bigger reason for wanting to move out of this state now... everything just reminds me of us here. Not that it's a bad thing, but it become mentally exhausting over time.
I'm still planning on hitting up AX this summer. Regardless of whether the people I'm meeting over there flake on me or not, I want to go for the experience. I haven't gone in a couple of years and it's a fun convention. So, yeah. Just working my physique in the process of waiting xD
I've lost a lot of weight over the past several months. Initially, I weighed 280 lbs. Now, I'm about 225 lbs! My goal is still to hit 180 by the end of the summer. But, I'm going to be doing some rigorous training throughout the next few months. I wouldn't mind getting my abs to show again xD One day~
Sorry if this post is sounding like a rollercoaster. That's just how my emotions are these days. I can't confide in my friends about this because they'd get tired of me going back and forth. So, yeah. Sorry...
