I was at a party last Sunday. The annual crawfish boil, where all the friends I know attend and pigs out on shellfish and stuff. Bleh... I hate crawfish. Despise it... wouldn't give a fuck if the crustacean became extinct. I'd probably prefer that, anyway.
I got to meet my friend's, Rami and Dillon, after not seeing them for months. They gave me hugs and kisses and were so excited to see me again, as was I with them. We caught up for a bit, asked how life has been treating me, etc. They liked how long my hair has gotten. I told them I was thinking about dying it, again, but I might just be getting too old for childish things. I dunno. I might... eh... Rami told me about his possibility of getting on to Rupaul's Drag Race (he does drag fyi). I told him that it'd be awesome to see him on there, although I don't really watch it anymore. Didn't really watch much of it in the first place, only when it was on. But, yeah. I told him I'm going to start doing cosplay for conventions soon. His face lit up when I said that. XD Like he was REALLY INTO the idea of me cosplaying. I didn't before because I was very self-conscious about my looks and weight. I don't give a shit what people have told me about that. If I don't feel comfortable about myself, then I'm not going to fucking cosplay. Anyways, he asked if I came up with any ideas on who I'd wanna cosplay when I finish losing this weight, which I'm soooo close of doing! Dx GO AWAY FASTER, DAMNIT! I don't really know, but I just know I feel a lot better about my physique.
I also told him that I might be attending AX this summer, but, to be honest, I'm not really feeling up to it like I was these past few months... I might skip this summer... sorry, Patrick. I was mainly going for you, but I really might bail. Definitely next year... ^^;; It's not that I don't want to go, I really enjoyed going to it before... I just... I don't know... maybe I'm not ready for Los Angeles mentally, yet... Maybe I'm just not ready to be in the same city as my ex, or going to the same convention and possibly bumping into her and most likely her boyfriend. Believe me, I've been doing a lot better, at least that's what I'd like to think. I don't really break down anymore or get like super depressed. Maybe I'm coming to terms? Eh. I do find it funny how she's dating someone younger than her. Not that it's a bad thing, I'm sure he's an awesome fellow. People can change, after all. You are a lucky guy to have stumbled across someone like her. Treat her better than I have ever done...
Rami and I were talking about AX and LA when he brought up my ex. He asked how I've been doing. I masked it like I always do, put on a smile and told him, "I'm fine. I still have some feelings for her, but they will eventually fade. Just gotta keep moving and not think about it!" It's mostly true, but I still do hurt from time to time. I think he saw through my act, though, because there was a long silence after that and he just had that sympathetic expression on his face... Was I that readable? I need to tighten up my acts... Usually, I can get away with them no problem... maybe I'm slipping. Anyways, he immediately started to ask me about cosplay some more. That lasted a few minutes when he got up because it was time to eat.
My mood kind of died down after that, but I faked it for a while. I don't blame him for asking, I know a few of my friends are worried about me. They do know that I have severe depression issues and suicidal thoughts. It really was a big deal to me when my ex and I broke up and they knew that. They knew how shattered I still am, how tattered my pages have become. So, I really can't blame them for checking on me. But I don't want to worry them anymore, so I'll just lie, tell them what they want to hear and move on. No biggie, right? I've been called a liar more than enough in my life that it doesn't phase me anymore. I mean that's really the only times I lie now is when someone asks how I'm doing. Lying about other things only gets you in trouble and I'm tired of being accused and getting into trouble, even when I haven't done jack shit. Whatever.
I walked over to my friend, Connor, after Rami left. He was showing off his new handgun he just bought and I asked to handle it. He handed it over, I made sure the chamber was empty, released the magazine and checked it out as he was telling me about it. I told him I was planning on getting one soon, most likely the same model. I gave back the gun and he told me it's a great gun, but then asked if I was sure I'm ready for one. I looked at him curiously and he explained that he knows I haven't been in great shape and just wants to make sure I'm okay. What is this a "Let's all make sure Blake is mentally sober from drunken depressions" day? I told him I'm fine because it's the truth. I'm not going to kill myself if I get a gun. If that were the case I'd have shot myself with my dad's. I'd be dead and no one here would know that. I wouldn't be writing this. I'd not exist anymore. Plus, I've kind of stopped believing in an afterlife, so I want to make the duration of this life longer. Well, now I do. No more suicide attempts. HAHAHAAAmaybe... I mean what?
Anyways, the party was fun. I got to meet people I haven't seen in a while, played games, mingled, etc. It was enjoyable. Next I might hit up GlowRage or this summer's paint party at Splash. Who knows.