I put a smile on every day. Each day I tell myself it'll be okay, the future is always brighter than the past. But, my future feels so empty and dark compared to my past.

I hate being alone... I hate falling asleep with no one at my side. It's so empty and I feel so vulnerable to these thoughts I get right before I fall asleep... They're so intimidating...

I miss my ex... no one reads these, so I'll just straight up say it. I miss her warmth, I miss her smile, I miss the reassurance I got from just looking at her knowing that even though I scare myself with these abstract and fear-throbbing thoughts, I could care less because I was happy being with her. I lie to myself and say I don't love anyone and I don't deserve anyone, but somehow this little bit of glimmer of love seeps it's way through those lies and presents itself in front of me just so I'd have no choice, but to acknowledge its existence. Why can't I get over her? Why can't she see that I made a horrible mistake and would reverse everything just to have her back? I literally prayed to an empty fucking sky for a year... hoping to have a final chance... Why can't I get over her? She moved on, as far as I'm aware, SO WHY CAN'T I? ...Why can't I let go?... Maybe because deep down I dont want to... but that's not fair to her... but I can't help it... I dont want to hear "You'll find someone new" I want to hear, "I'm still here for you." She was the only one I've ever had who made me feel safe... This bed is so cold, this room is so empty, my mind is full of fear... I put on such a fun face, but I'm breaking down inside without even knowing it... because I mask it every day... but it's ot fair for her... So, I hide it all... I hide the pain... I hide the wants... I hide my cuts and scars of my own desires. Why can't God be real and let me have this one selfish wish?... I miss her so much to the point where this mentality becomes a physical, internal pain at times. But I have to hide and be selfless, right? That's just how it is, now...