[WARNING! I have not been in the best mood these last few weeks and this post is kind of sad. I'm in some serious need of help though and that's why I'm posting this. I hope that the people who read this will give me their HONEST opinions on what's going on so I can maybe work through it. Thank you.]
In these last two weeks not so great things have happened to me. First of all, I got in a play, yay! Well it was yay until I realized I got the smallest role possible. But that's not so bad, someone has to play the tiny roles, so I wasn't too upset, until my director told me that my already stupidly little role was now even littler as she was splitting it between me and two other freshmen. I'm a sophomore. On that, she also made me a stage hand, in other words a person who moves the set with three other freshman. I'm the only upper class-man that got a absolutely horrible role! A freshman even beat me out. Also, this is a Shakespeare piece and I got the smallest role cut in three, but my director came to see the play where I was Puck in Midsummer! Puck is the lead! Now I'm not saying I wanted a lead but isn't that kind of a slap in the face? Please tell me if I'm overreacting here.
Secondly, on the note above, I went and asked my director why I was cast in such a little role and she told me it was because, not only do I lack any type of talent but I'm not reliable and it was basically out of pity that she cast me at all! Also keeps forgetting I exist! She would call the other three I work with over and neglect me then yell at me for not listening to her. I can't take it! She's treating my like I'm WORSE than garbage, like garbage would be better suited for the pathetic role than me. She tried to tell me that she cast me where she did so I could lead the three freshman, but then she meets with them without me and decides things without me so I'm not really included at all!
Am I overreacting? Please tell me what you all think of this...
NEXT THING! This I just want to say "out loud" so it stops haunting me! You may disregard this.
Okay, I'm having a horrible time with feelings at the same time as all the crap above. I really really like my best friend... and it's so stupid of me because he's already with someone and they're bloody prefect together. But it's just so unfair. I really cared for him all of last year but it never bothered me, I have an unusually good ability to never let my feelings get the better of me except for right now and I'm pretty good at staying distant when I start to like someone too much. But he lives in the same dorm as me and is one of my best friends and friends with all of my friends and the DM in my D&D campaign and works with me AND working lights and sound for the show I may or may not be in still, I can't get away from him.
I don't want to feel anything for him but last night made it hard for me. I ran into him when I was crying about my director yelling at me for the millionth time and he made me come talk to him. So we sat in the laundry room of our dorm and talked for a little. I told him EVERYTHING, I didn't want to or mean to but he just... I couldn't stop once I started, it was like a dam breaking at last. Well, while I was crying he just stood there and held me. No one and I mean NO ONE has done that for me before and I didn't know what to do so I cried even more! He assumed it was still because of my director and kept telling me things would get better and holding me and stuff and finally I couldn't take it so I told him to leave. He listened but not before kissing my forehead, as is customary to do in our friend group when one of us is upset, but as soon as he left I cried even more because I felt so darn stupid. I've never felt this stupid before and I don't know what to do... He's so nice to me, its so strange and new. Are my feelings forming simply because he's being nice to me right now? Will time stop my stupidity? Or do I need to get away from him? Is stress making me misread my own feelings? This man has been my friend for over a year now but and I felt absolutely nothing until just recently, before last night I mean, that was just the worst of it so far...
Please if anyone can help me, I just need to know what I have to do and what's going on with me...
Now for a depressing gif of how I feel...
Thank you to everyone who reads through this painfully long post of pointlessness. I just really needed to write it all down and ask you all what I should do about my director mostly. Should I quit the play or should I stay in it for the friends and connections I can make through it? Is it all worth the pain and self loathing to stay in the play do you think?
Again thank you all!
