Mastering Commas
“I’d be the stuff of legends. That is, if legends were about…the inappropriate use of commas!” I stated dramatically. The spider filled room was as silent as a tomb as they looked at me questioningly. “What?” I stammered. “Don’t you believe that that will scare the heroes? Ok, well maybe not scare the heroes exactly. But don’t you think it will make them take heed of my messages of doom?” The shook their heads in unison. “Fine!” I turned from them and marched towards the door. “We shall see. Oh we shall see all right,” I said, before opening the door and quickly passing through it. The relief that emitted from my spiders when it closed behind me was almost palpable.
‘They do have a point though,’ I mused to myself. ‘Commas might have a habit of terrifying me, but I doubt they faze the heroes. Heck, it’s likely that Superman has their use down to an art form. He probably brags about it daily while making a mockery of me and other’s like me who have problems with commas. Well I will show him.’ I paused dramatically in the corridor, fist clenched in front of me in a pose designed to strike fear into would-be enemies.
“Watch out Superman, the Dranzer Lehnsherr who doesn’t know how to use commas will one day be no more. And then. And then you will be sorry.” I found myself laughing maniacally as a few of my ninjas skirted past me and gave me cautious looks. I stopped the laughing and gave them a two-fingered salute. The fact that they had avoided me was a good thing. It meant that, although I hadn’t mastered commas, I had mastered the evil poses which I would be employing when I had conquered the commas. After all, every villain needs a dramatic pose. It goes with the evil laughter and the cloaks. You just had to have one!
I smiled again as I resumed my walking. ‘But it could take a while,’ a little voice said. It was the voice of doubt, and in this case, probably also reason. ‘You tend to try and travel through life at the speed of light. Commas require that you walk and take note of your surroundings,’ it explained to me. ‘Do you really believe you can do that?’
“Probably,” I said aloud. “Ok maybe, if I try really…really hard.”
‘I wish you luck,’ said the voice as it returned to the dark recesses of my mind. It would probably wait there quietly until I was about to do something equally dramatic and life-changing.
“You know it’s bad when you believe commas are life-changing, isn’t it?” I said to myself, sighing. “Blasted Batman and the fact he pointed out that all my speeches tended to sound rushed. Or the fact that all my words fall over each other in an effort to escape from me when I talk. Do they really find me that scary? Of course they don’t! It is just that I hate making speeches and the words can probably sense that!”
“But what about the posters?” queried one of my ninjas, the one they call Rex. He was their leader and could easily be described as a trouble maker. He did look rather cute though, so I let his comments slide more often than not.
“Yes…the posters.” The room adopted an ominous air as my mood plummeted into the ground and sped towards Hell. “I shall never forgive him for that.” As if by magic I had retrieved a poster from my pocket and was brandishing it towards Rex. “I see nothing wrong with this poster. I spent ages on it, damn it. What right did Batman have to take a black marker out of his tool belt and add commas? What gave him the right to ruin all of my hard work?” I was practically yelling, and a crowd of tense spiders and cautious ninjas had formed around me.
“The fact that the commas were missing,” muttered Rex. He had decided that it was time to live life dangerously for once.
“Well there is that,” I conceded, “but still…” I rolled the poster up and hit him with it. “…That doesn’t mean that Batman had any right to actually point it out!”
“He did compliment your artwork, and the overall design of the poster first!” Rex stated, while rubbing the top of his head. The poster had been made of good quality paper and had left its mark.
“Stop defending the heroes,” I said, glaring at him. “They are your enemy. Ok, maybe Batman has mastered the art of constructive criticism, but there is still no need for you to give him a pat on the back. He probably gets enough of those from Robin!” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Regardless, soon he shall have nothing to brag about. Soon there will be no reason for anyone to give him a pat on the back. Soon, I SHALL BE THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS TO DO WITH COMMAS!” I declared, once again practising the dramatic pose.
The ninjas applauded my efforts and Rex patted me on the back. “You have made progress,” he said. “Conquer those commas and the world shall just fall into your lap.”
“That’s what I am hoping.” I treated him to a preview of my insane grin and then left the crowd behind me as I returned to my office. There was, after all, still a lot of work to do if I was ever to achieve my goal of world domination!
