13 July, 2009. 5:21 A.M
EDIT, 10:56 p.m.: There's more drama now... asdfhjl; I wanna delete this, but I needed to keep this up... for... personal reasons. It made me feel better. So deleting it would basically prove what I typed pointless.
It's times like this where silence is ever so loud, yet brings out the deepest thoughts in me. Even though I am in fact in the prescence of two other people, it is dead silent execpt for their rhythmic breathing patterns.
This post might bring up drama that died away from TheOtaku awhile back. Just saying, but don't take it all... crazy like.
Sometimes loving is not the easiest thing to do. You give some to get some, and always risk the factor of getting hurt. Especially in long distance relationship, or online, as some of you might call them.
A few months back, I realised I'd liked someone I'd met online. He was a really sweet guy and everything, but at the time I decided to fess up tell him that I liked him, he didn't like me that way. Obviously, I was hurt. No one takes the sting of rejection easily, do they? But I was content that he wasn't making things awkward, though, I could not say the same for myself. And life carried on.
I never really stopped the small crush that I had on him. Just with our conversations, a small fancy turned into a crush, a crush into a liking, and a liking into a love, going through the stages like a blooming flower. It grew over time, and sometimes ended up hurting in my heart. But I endured, only to find out that he had his fancy for me, too.
But, at his request, we did not date. He'd said because of his previous long distance relationship, he would not go through with another one and risk everything again. I was content with that, and we loved without dating, so to speak. But each day we talked, anyone could tell that the small insults we told each other were full of love, in an awkward way.
It was all dandy until something interferred, something called real life. He and a girl that he also liked started dating. I was crushed, obviously. That could've been me, I always thought, if only I was in the same area. But that was all I ever though, and still ever do. If only, if only, if only. All the questions unanswered by two words.
But I lived and moved on. And now, I knew somehow that I'd still love him. Yes, love him, and that those feelings would only dull away but never completely disappear. And that was when I started dating Cody. He'd helped me forget for awhile until the same factor that stopped the first stopped him: real life. Again.
And now, said person is currently single. I am single, as is he, but it still hurts knowing that I might and could possibly and most likely will go through that again. I don't want to go through that again at all. The emotions I felt, the loneliness I knew... it's something that I wish that I will never go back to. Even though it is completely inevitable that it will happen.
As all of this happens currently, so many more emotions run through my mind. If I know that this is probably going to happen again, then what's the point of waiting for leeway? It didn't change the first time, and chances are it won't change the next, or the next, or the next. It makes me wonder why I still wait. Why do I still wait for him to say anything that will change everything? I know it won't happen. Give me a reason that I should still. It confuses me all the while that I still love you...
And, with that added, I also still happen to like one of my best friends. Something that he said to me a few months back in April still haunts my mind to this day, as I'm still unsure of what he truly meant. His statements contradicted themselves in their own sentence. And it still hurts. Especially because of the information that Kitt had given me that one time. The only reason that I told this person was because she said she was positive about her information. I've still not got this whole matter clarified, and chances are I never will, as I'll never get the heart to ask this question straight up.
It's because I'm too chicken. Too chicken to say that what happened in April stlil hurts me. Too chicken to straight up say that he's hurting me. Too chicken to face the truth and we'll only just be friends.
We all like to let our minds believe things that aren't true, which is a flaw of human life as we know it. I myself have believed that we could possibly be something more, when in all actuality, nothing can happen.
And with this guy... I've thought about not talking to him really for a few weeks. One, actually. Even though it's not going to happen. I can't live without this kid; he's one of my best friends. And I know I'm not going to be over this any time soon, even though I told him I would be okay the day of my confession. Oh well...
