Modes of Existence: Chapter Nine
“I'm not sure where to really begin,” Cloud admitted uneasily, squirming a bit in his seat.
Leon raised an eyebrow. “How about explaining why he put those marks on your neck,” he said abrasively, his arms folded over his chest. He couldn't help himself; the idea of anyone touching his Cloud pissed him off beyond belief.
Wait.
His Cloud? My patient, he corrected in his mind. He's just my patient. I am completely justified in being upset that some psychopath harmed one of my patients. Right.
Cloud narrowed his eyes at Leon's blunt approach, but quickly forced himself to relax. He had agreed to it, after all. “I was going to head to the cafeteria,” he started, “and sit with some of the nurses. I heard someone throwing up in the guy's bathroom so I went in to make sure someone wasn't dying or anything. Sephiroth was the one throwing up.” He paused, taking in a deep breath. “Are you drugging him?”
Leon blinked for a moment, trying to decide what he wanted to address first. “No,” he said, answering Cloud's question first. “I haven't prescribed anything for him yet, not until I do a more thorough examination. Did he tell you someone drugged him?”
Cloud shrugged. “He was kind of vague about it. He said he didn't like being drugged against his will,” he said.
Leon nodded. That answered his other question. “He's just paranoid,” Leon stated. “Continue.”
Cloud shuddered, a move so slight Leon would have missed it were he not staring at Cloud so intently. “Well,” he began again, “I didn't say anything to him. I just...stood there. He asked me why I wouldn't talk to him, and when I didn't answer, he—” Cloud fell silent, the memory of the gentle caresses still etched in his skin.
A low growl filled the silence, and Cloud glanced up towards Leon in shock. Though his face seemed composed enough, there was a fury in his eyes that struck Cloud to his core. “Leon...”
At Cloud's softer tone, Leon seemed to come back to himself. “I'm sorry,” he muttered. “Go on.”
Cloud raised a doubtful eyebrow, but continued speaking. “When I didn't answer him, he...invaded my personal space,” he said, a rosy blush spreading across his cheeks.
Leon waited patiently for Cloud to elaborate, but when no answer seemed forthcoming, he asked, “Okay, invaded it how? Like, 'I'm going to choke you' invade?”
Cloud shook his head once. “No,” he said slowly, “like, 'We went out for four years' invade.”
Despite trying to maintain a stoic demeanor, Leon's face registered his shock quite clearly as his mouth fell open. He'd suspected that the two had some kind of emotional relationship, but he had been thinking more along the lines of psychopath/victim. This was...unexpected. “Oh,” he said, quickly trying to cover his surprise.
Cloud regarded Leon warily. “Is that a problem? I mean,” he clarified, “I'm gay. I've always been gay.”
Leon hurried to explain. “No, that's absolutely not a problem,” he said. “I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but I'm gay, too.”
Cloud's eyebrows raised to the ceiling. “...oh,” he said quietly. Well. Question answered.
“I was only surprised because I thought the only relationship you two might have had was psychopath and victim,” Leon explained. “I wasn't thinking along those lines.”
Cloud only nodded, and silence fell like a thick blanket. Leon was ready to apologize again when Cloud spoke up. “You must think...I'm so stupid,” he muttered with a mirthless laugh, “for falling in love with a psychopath.” He hazarded a glance in Leon's direction, and was slightly surprised to see him looking at him with confusion.
“Why would I think that?” Leon asked carefully. Cloud shrugged, and Leon went on. “You're not stupid, Cloud. If you were, trust me, I wouldn't like you half as much as I do.” Shit. “As friends, I mean. I wouldn't want to be friendly with you.” Fuck. “In a completely platonic manner.” Leon pointedly glanced away, his teeth clenched tightly shut. He was losing his professional demeanor, and in the worst way possible.
The corners of Cloud's mouth had been steadily creeping up into a smirk as Leon fumbled for words. While his heart beat nervously in his chest at whatever Leonhart was unintentionally implying, he couldn't help but tease. “I knew you had ulterior motives for getting me naked,” he drawled as Leon quit trying to save face.
Leon felt his face growing warm. “Don't act like you don't want the attention,” he snapped, and it was Cloud's turn to blush.
He racked his brain, trying to think of some witty reply, but Cloud could find none. He really did like the attention, even if he didn't acknowledge it. “Whatever,” he finally muttered, having been paralyzed by the truth whether Leon knew it or not.
Inwardly, Leon was reeling that Cloud hadn't tried to deny the allegation, but simply chose to file away the information for later. “That's my line,” he said, completely straight-faced.
Cloud openly grinned. I know.
Leon glowered. “Just keep talking,” he grumbled.
Cloud barely refrained from rolling his eyes. Instead, he showed a hint of a smirk and raised his eyebrow. Touchy.
“Words, Strife,” Leon sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. Though he sounded annoyed, he was secretly glad to have gotten past the awkward moment of tension.
Cloud's smirk softened, and then fell from his face completely. He nodded, continuing with his story. “He...wasn't always like this, you know,” he said quietly. “He used to be...more than I could ever dream of. He was...he still is everything to me.”
Cloud bit his lip hard, worried for a moment that tears were going to spill from his eyes despite his efforts to hold them in. But the feeling quickly passed, and he forced himself to go on. “I first met him when I was a freshman in high school. He was a friend of—of Zack's. They were best friends, Sephiroth and...Zack.” Memories flashed across his mind like a film reel, one after another, of the few years Zack had been in his life.
“Heya, Spike! How's it going?”
“Aw, don't mind Mr. Stick-up-my-ass, he's always like this.”
“Seph, keep an eye on the kid for me, will ya? He gets a little frisky when he's drunk.”
“That's not fair! How come he's so nice to you, Cloud?!”
“You guys...you're good for each other, you know? This is the happiest I've ever seen him.”
“Cloud, run—”
He couldn't prevent the single tear that slipped from his eye, and hastily wiped it out of sight. Cloud shut his eyes tight for a moment, forcing himself to push down the rising emotions, and continued talking.
“Zack was the best friend I ever had. In the three years that I knew him, he became closer to me than anyone else I've ever known. He was like...a brother to me,” Cloud said quietly, staring at his hands. “He helped me through the worst times of my life. He was always there for me, whenever I needed him. He was the one who introduced me to Sephiroth. Zack and Seph...they were best friends, even before I showed up. But they both accepted me, even though for a while I felt like I was third wheel to their friendship.” Cloud fell silent again, taking in a shaky breath.
Leon swallowed against the tightening in his throat, uneasy with what he knew he was about to hear. “What happened between you?” he asked.
Cloud licked his lips once before speaking. “A little while after Zack and I met,” he started, “he introduced me to Sephiroth. At first, I was really intimidated by him. His personality isn't exactly conducive to socializing. But then again, neither is mine. I think that's why we got along so well. I learned that he wasn't as cold as he appeared to be. He just had trouble expressing his emotions. We grew closer and closer every time we met up, until we started dating when I was 19.
“Seph was perfect, the best anyone could ever ask for. He might not have been the best at expressing emotions, but when he did, it was the most brilliant thing ever.” A soft smile crossed Cloud's lips. “Once—our second Valentine's Day, actually, because he didn't understand the concept of the first one—he bought me a teddy bear bigger than I was, and he filled my room with mountain flowers. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.”
The smile spread until it reached Cloud's eyes, immediately dampening the usually harsh glow in them, and Leon instantly understood. Despite everything Sephiroth had done, despite whatever he'd done to the blond, Cloud still loved him. Still did, and most likely always would. Sephiroth, for Cloud was one of those people who would always firmly hold a piece of Cloud's soul. Whether or not Cloud was the same for Sephiroth remained to be seen.
After a short pause, Cloud laughed quietly, disturbing his spikes with his fingers. “I...I'm still in love with him, aren't I,” he said, glancing up from underneath his bangs and echoing Leon's thoughts. The doctor tried very hard to keep his face neutral, not wanting Cloud to suddenly recede into his shell again. But Cloud kept talking. “If I'm honest with myself, I never stopped loving him. Even when he...”
Cloud's voice trailed off again, and Leon had to restrain the urge to jump from his chair and comfort him. Instead, he tightened his hands into fists and folded his arms across his chest. “When he what, Cloud?” he prodded gently.
Cloud started almost imperceptibly at the rough tone to Leon's voice, though whether Leon's irritation was with himself or Sephiroth, he couldn't tell. Whatever the case, it was as though something inside Cloud broke. He suddenly felt tired of everything—of hiding, of staying silent, of being scared. He never thought of himself as a person to beat around the bush with anything and dammit, when did Sephiroth turn him into such a coward?
“Sephiroth killed Zack,” he said numbly, absently nodding his head. “Along with a number of other people, as I'm sure you know. But I didn't see any of those. I saw him kill Zack.”
Leon straightened in his chair even as any anger he may have been feeling drained from his body. He wanted to interrupt, to tell Cloud he didn't have to force himself, but the blond barely noticed him anymore.
“We had gotten into a fight. Zack and I, a little after my 21st birthday. Zack knew. About Sephiroth...killing people. He knew everything way before I did. People thought he was stupid 'cause he was so damn cheerful all the time, but he was a lot more perceptive than people gave him credit for. He picked up on the little things, and why wouldn't he? He knew Seph better than anyone—better than me. I think—he tried to talk to me about it first, before confronting Seph. That's what we fought over. I was so blinded by my love that I refused to acknowledge even the possibility that Seph might have...fundamental personality flaws.” He chuckled darkly. “I was such an idiot.”
“Cloud...”
“We fought pretty badly over it. Didn't talk for four days after. The tension between the three of us was unbearable. I even talked to Seph about it, told him how ridiculous I thought it was that Zack was accusing him of being a serial killer. He laughed them off and comforted me, told me it absolutely wasn't true. But I still—Zack wasn't just my best friend, he was Seph's, too. In the end, I couldn't believe that Zack would say things like that without really believing he had a reason to. So after four days of not talking, I planned to go apologize and talk it over.”
Leon's brow was heavily furrowed at the tears streaming unnoticed down Cloud's face, but he knew it was useless to interfere now.
“I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. I went to his house, but he wasn't there. So I called Aerith—his girlfriend. She told me that he'd gone to Seph's place not too long ago. I think—I think that's the first time I got the feeling that things were about to go wrong. But I ignored it and went to Seph's place by myself. The door was already unlocked. Seph had given me a key to his apartment, so I didn't think twice about just walking in. The first thing I saw was Zack, and—and the blood. There was so much blood. Just...red. Everywhere. All over Zack. And he—he just fell to the floor. I ran in and threw up. I couldn't take it.
“And then Seph—Sephiroth. He just stood there—watching me, like he'd just asked me out to dinner and was waiting for an answer. And then Zack—he—he reached out for me, he told me to run, and I should have listened—oh, my god.” A hand flew up to cover his mouth as soundless sobs wracked Cloud's body. He wrapped his other arm tightly around his body, rocking back and forth. “He just—did it. Like—like he was stepping on a crack in the sidewalk,” Cloud continued, his voice completely breathless. “He broke Zack's neck without blinking an eye, he just—he killed his best friend, he killed Zack—oh, my god, Zack. He killed Zack, Zack's dead, he's dead, and I watched it happen—”
Leon couldn't contain himself any longer. Professionalism be damned, he thought, rising from his chair and dashing to Cloud's side. He was only mildly surprised when Cloud immediately wrapped his arms around him, clinging like a small child; it was most likely the first time Cloud had ever actually voiced anything concerning Zack's murder. It was bound to be a highly emotional experience for the blond. What completely blindsided Leon was how emotional it was for himself.
“I—” Leon's voice cracked on the single syllable, which was just as well, because he couldn't think of anything to say. Instead, he held Cloud tighter in his arms, one hand running through the blond spikes that were tucked just beneath his chin, the other rubbing soothing circles on his back. He could feel the shudders that ran through Cloud's body, and each one made his heart jump. Leon was finding it harder and harder to keep his anger at Sephiroth in check, with proof of the numerous innocent lives he'd ruined sitting in his arms. The only thing keeping him in his office at the moment was the fact that Cloud was in it, and Cloud needed him.
Before long, Cloud's body settled down, the occasional sob happening every minute or so, instead of one after the other. Leon didn't stop his petting, and Cloud didn't pull away, so the doctor was content to stay where he was. When Cloud's grip on him lessened to the point where it was only suffocating rather than bone-crushing, Leon sighed.
“So much for not letting this become a regular thing,” he said in a bored tone of voice.
Cloud stiffened. “'m sorry,” he said quickly, trying to pull away.
Leon wouldn't have it. “Cloud,” he said seriously, holding Cloud in place so he could neither pull nor look away, “if you decided to unmute yourself just to apologize for shit that wasn't your fault, then I'd rather you just stop talking again.”
Cloud glanced at the ground, fighting against the blush he knew was rising on his face. “Sor—okay,” he said, amending his statement halfway through.
After a few heartbeats of relative silence, Leon sighed again, reaching up one hand behind Cloud's back to massage the bridge of his nose. “Okay, what?” he asked, “you're going back to being mute, or you're going to stop apologizing?”
Cloud forcefully pushed himself away from Leon's embrace, despite the acute sense of loss he felt at the motion. He gave him a flat stare before pointedly staring straight ahead. You're obviously unworthy of hearing my wondrous voice any longer, peasant.
Leon chuckled softly. “I see,” he responded, lounging backwards against the couch, draping his arms over the back. “I assume this is a permanent decision from now on, then?”
Cloud remained silent, only deigning to tip his nose a fraction higher into the air. As far as you're concerned, yes.
“Huh,” said Leon. Nodding his head, he stood up, brushing his hands on his slacks. “I suppose we're done here, then. Unless you wanted to finish your story...?” Leon deliberately left the question open, inviting Cloud to start talking again. He was banking on the blond having felt a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment at finally being able to talk to someone about the event that had scarred him so deeply.
Cloud chewed on his lip, his stoic mask breaking as quickly as he'd constructed it. “W-wait,” he said as Leon took a few steps towards his desk.
Leon raised an eyebrow. “Hm?”
“I—I want to finish,” Cloud mumbled, looking anywhere but at Leon's face. He would never admit it, but he had felt a certain sense of relief in finally being able to say the words. Cloud had never even dared to whisper the words to himself after Zack's murder; to hear them out loud forced the scrambling pieces of his mind together with stunning strength. He already felt much better—not perfect, but better—and he'd already told the worst of the story.
Leon could see a small change pass over Cloud's face. Making a split-second decision to assume his seat beside Cloud rather than his own chair, Leon sat down on the couch again, waiting expectantly.
Cloud took in a shuddering breath. He felt a lot calmer now that the doctor was sitting beside him. Having his warmth so close by was...oddly comforting. He refused to acknowledge the small voice in the back of his head that blamed said comforting feelings on his rising libido. “After he—yeah, after that,” Cloud started again, “I just—I got so pissed. I was furious, I wasn't thinking. I rounded on him, and before I knew what I was doing, he had me pinned to the fridge with a knife through my left shoulder. I dunno how thoroughly you were paying attention while you were stripping me last night—”
Leon had the decency to color at Cloud's reminder.
“—but I still have the scar across my chest from it. Anyway, we exchanged words, mostly him telling me not to talk or else he'd torture me. I guess he trusted me, or knew that he'd scared me into submission, because when I pushed him away, he let me run. He told me—” Cloud's voice suddenly cut off, and his face twisted with anguish.
“Cloud?” Leon said, his voice laden with worry.
Cloud ran a shaky hand through his hair. “He told me that wherever I ran, he would find me,” he said in a small voice.
In the silence that followed, it took all of Leon's restraint not to cuss a blue streak. The man was a psychopath, through and through. Not only had he succeeded in completely torturing Cloud psychologically, but apparently he was pretty good at physically abusing Cloud as well. Sliding down from the couch and onto the floor in front of Cloud, Leon took his face in his hands. “Cloud,” he said seriously, “I don't ever want you to think that anything he did or anything that happened was your fault. None of this is your fault. Understand?”
Cloud's face scrunched up. “Yeah,” he said absently, his voice toneless.
Leon spat out a curse, unable to help himself. “Cloud,” he said firmly, “I'm going to be very blunt with you right now, because so far, that manner of communication has been working for us.”
Without waiting for any kind of confirmation from the blond, not that he was expecting any, Leon continued. “I'm not going to tolerate any of this self-pity bullshit. I get that what you experienced was terrible, yeah. But beating yourself up over something that happened in the past isn't going to change it. The only person you're hurting is yourself, and I'm not going to let you do that. As your psychologist, and as your friend, I won't let that happen.
“You're not alone, Cloud. I'm here for you to talk to anytime you feel like things are too much. But I am not going to help you drown in your own depression. I refuse.” Leon was snarling his words at Cloud by now, but he was too far gone in his emotions to care. “You're too important to me for me to let that happen to you.”
Cloud's eyes snapped to Leon's face, wide with surprise, before they narrowed in deep thought. He faintly wondered if Leon had any idea what his words meant to him. He'd been alone for so long; when Sephiroth murdered Zack in front of him, Cloud had not only lost Zack, but 3 of the closest friends he'd ever had. To hear that Leon, even after hearing what he'd witnessed, wanted to be a friend to him—
“I'm—important to you,” Cloud said slowly, biting his lip hard to keep the sobs from escaping.
Leon nodded. “You're my friend, Cloud,” he said, swallowing hard. “Not just a friend, but a very good friend. That automatically makes you very important to me.”
He hesitated, wondering if he'd already stepped too far out of line. Fuck it, he thought, if I'm going out of line, might as well go all out. “To be honest, Cloud, I can't picture a life without you,” he said quickly. Cloud's eyes widened even further, and Leon winced. “I mean—even after you leave here, I still want you in my life.” Sweet Shiva. “To see you, I mean. I want to see you after you get out.” Goddammit. “Not—not see you, see you...friends! I still want to be friends even after you leave. Fucking hell.”
Cloud gave a watery chuckle at Leon's inability to express himself properly. “Hey, stop taking advantage of this 'off the record' thing,” he joked, his voice cracking with repressed shudders.
Leon's lips thinned into a firm line. “Whatever, Cloud,” he said, “but I'm very serious. You said you would only tell me these things as a friend, and I fully intend to be one to you. I wouldn't have agreed if I didn't.”
The blond gave a sharp nod. “I...I know,” he said with a sigh. “It's just...a lot. A lot at one time. And I...I've never really had friends. I haven't had friends since—”
Leon slowly nodded in understanding. “You're right, it is a lot,” he affirmed. “But you're not alone this time. You're not alone anymore.”
Cloud couldn't help himself, and drew a shuddering gasp of breath. Leon frowned and glanced behind himself to see if he had any tissues left on his desk. “I must have run out of tissues, sorry,” he said turning back to Cloud.
The blond only gave him a bright smile. “Don't worry about it,” Cloud said gently.
Leon sat, stricken momentarily speechless by the suddenly serene look on Cloud's face. He stared mindlessly into Cloud's teary blue eyes, wondering what he'd done to make Cloud look like that, and whether or not it was a repeatable feat.
Cloud cocked his head to the side, wondering if Leonhart had really spaced out in front of him, or if it was some sort of medical disaster. He snapped his fingers in Leon's face, hoping to God it wasn't an aneurysm or something, because he had next to zero medical experience. “Leon?”
Leon blinked rapidly as his eyes refocused. “Yeah,” he said airily, rising quickly to his feet, “sorry. Uh...yeah.” He took a few steps backwards and motioned at the couch. “Feel free to take a nap here, if you'd like. Not that you'd need an invitation.”
Cloud raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Eager to keep me around, loverboy?
Leon snorted and made his way to the door. “Don't give me looks. I'll be back in a little bit, so don't trash my office,” he said, his hand on the doorknob.
Cloud frowned. “You're not going after—”
“No,” Leon answered carefully. “I just—I have to go take care of some logistical things. I'll be back soon.”
Cloud scoffed, but reclined on the chair anyway. My ass. Fine, but if you mark him, I'll be cross with you.
“Nice to know I have your approval,” Leon chuckled before disappearing through the door.
Alone in the room, Cloud let a content smile stay on his lips before drifting off to sleep.
__________________________________________________________________________
“Oh—Rinoa,” Leon said, stopping the young nurse in the middle of the hallway. “You wouldn't happen to know who they have assigned to Sephiroth yet?”
Rinoa glanced up to the ceiling in thought. “Um...we've just been rotating around, since he's new and all, I'm not sure—oh! That's right, Tifa's been given his case, since she's the strongest out of all of us.” The woman giggled behind a hand. “I know he hasn't been violent yet or anything, but that guys looks like he could really pack a punch!”
Leon nodded absently, ignoring her chatter. “Listen, could you let her know that I've changed Sephiroth's first appointment with me from Tuesday to Monday morning?”
Rinoa's eyebrows raised. “Of course,” she said. “Is...something the matter?”
“No,” Leon replied, already beginning to walk away, “just some things I'd rather take care of sooner than later.”
