Chapter Three: Duet con Trio: Part One
Cloud Strife was a dead man walking. He could practically see Tifa and Zack in mourning, see the closed casket being lowered into the ground, hear the miserable funeral bells tolling.
…Or maybe that last one was just the cheerful jingle of the bell over the door as he trudged through the front entrance of Seventh Heaven. Who knew? He didn’t, not in his mental state.
Slumping to the ground with no amount of grace, Cloud called out, “I’m doomed,” to anyone within earshot. “I am so doomed.” He leaned his head against the door and closed his eyes. On the outside, he appeared calm, but on the inside, he was screaming and crying like that was his sole purpose in life.
WHY?! How? I despise you, Rufus Shinra, he shouted silently to himself. Of all the despicable things the director could have done, Cloud decided this was most definitely beyond the worst.
He banged his head slowly against the door as the full implications of what would happen hit him. Again. He would be alone with Sephiroth in his apartment for an undetermined amount of time. Alone with a veritable god whose music was capable of inducing instantaneous orgasms. Alone with the man of his dreams and absolutely no social skills to handle the situation. Alone with his uncontrollable lust and tendency to make situations very awkward and uncomfortable.
He would be lucky if Sephiroth even looked at him after tonight.
Cloud groaned in anguish, resting his elbows on his knees. His usual calm, collected attitude didn’t save him this time; as a matter of fact, it might have made things even worse. When Sephiroth was talking to him, he couldn’t help but keep glancing over to the door, eager to be away from temptation. The man probably thought I couldn’t stand to be near him or something, thought Cloud sadly. Great. Makes this evening all the merrier. In his desire to seem unaffected, he hadn’t even tried to protest the scheduled rehearsal. Even worse, Sephiroth knew where he lived, and was coming to pick him up!
Cloud gasped as this new development hit him. What if Sephiroth lived far from here? What if he had to spend an entire hour in a car with him? “Oh, gods,” he moaned.
He sat there for a while, musing on various ways he could get out of the practice, ranging from faking illness, to an elaborate plot involving a Columbian drug trafficking scheme. “I’m sure Zack wouldn’t mind playing the part of the dealer, and I could be his unwilling hostage,” he muttered.
Something cool and sweaty slapped against his forehead. Cloud crossed his eyes trying to see who or what it was, and fell over sideways from the effort. “Ugh,” he said, not bothering to move.
“Denzel! I’m telling on you! Tifa, Denzel killed Cloud,” Marlene shouted. Cloud heard the pattering of her feet up the stairs as the girl ran to fetch Tifa.
“Did not! Marleeeeene,” howled Denzel, racing behind her. “Tifa, I didn’t kill Cloud, I swear! He was like that when we found him.”
Tifa met the pair halfway down the stairs, scooping Marlene into her arms. “Okay, guys, what’s the problem?”
Marlene quickly pointed towards the door, where Cloud still lay slumped over on the ground. “Cloud’s dead,” she said simply.
Tifa frowned, her eyebrows drawn together. Putting Marlene back on the ground, she worriedly made her way over to the blond. “Cloud,” she said gently, kneeling next to him and shaking his shoulder.
“Ngh,” said the incomprehensible man, cracking open a single eye to stare dolefully at Tifa.
Tifa pursed her lips, suppressing a smile. “What’s got you down this time, Cloud?” she asked.
“Everything,” he responded desolately. “The whole world is conspiring against me, and I am powerless to fight back.” He draped an arm across his eyes for dramatic effect.
The brunet woman turned to Marlene and Denzel. “You two can go back to playing,” she said with a grin. “I’ll handle this one.”
Marlene and Denzel nodded, and scampered off to a room behind the bar. Tifa fixed her attention back on Cloud. “Okay, Cloud,” she said, settling down for a long conversation, “what’s going on?”
Cloud sighed. “HaftogooverSephroth’splaceforrehearsalt’night,” he hastily mumbled.
Tifa cupped a hand around her ear. “What was that, Cloud? I’m not sure I—”
“I said, I have to go over to Sephiroth’s place for rehearsal tonight,” he said in a loud voice, moving his arm so he could aim a proper glare at Tifa.
“But that—that’s great,” she said happily. “You finally got a date with Sephiroth!”
Cloud winced. He’d been trying to avoid that word. “I’d hardly call it a date, Tif,” he grumbled, “more like the evil machinations of one Rufus Shinra. Sephiroth said that Rufus wanted us to get some extra practice in, just the two of us, to work on our duet section.”
Tifa shook her head. “Does it really matter? You’re going to be alone! With Sephiroth,” she said eagerly.
“Don’t reminds me,” grumbled Cloud.
“This is your chance to use some moves,” she continued. “You can—”
“What moves, Tifa? You and I both know I’m completely inept at this sort of thing!” He threw his arms over his eyes once more in despair.
Tifa pouted. She had not worked on getting Cloud out of his shell for all those years, only to have him fall apart at the slightest challenge. She stood up, placing her fisted hands on her hips. “Cloud Strife,” she said in a commanding tone, “if you do not get your sorry, brooding ass off my floor this instant, I swear I’ll kick it from here to the North Crater!”
Cloud considered this threat. He didn’t doubt that she could do it; no, he was certain of that. The question was… “If I’m at the North Crater,” he thought out loud, “then Sephiroth can’t pick me up for rehearsal tonight—hey!”
“I’ve had enough of your nonsense,” said Tifa as she grabbed the blond by his leg, dragging him through the bar.
“Hey—hey! Ow! Tifa, that was my head! Tif—watch it! You can’t—Tifa, those are stairs!”
Tifa glanced back at him. “You and me got some preparing to do, mister,” she said ominously.
Cloud had a sinking feeling that if Rufus Shinra was evil, then Tifa was the devil herself.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Forty-five minutes later, a happily smiling Tifa was cleaning up the bar in preparation for the Saturday night crowd. Smiling, because she had managed to get Cloud at least a little bit excited. Smiling, because she had instilled at least a little bit of confidence in the blond. Smiling, because being there for her best friend was what she loved most and did best.
Smiling, because whether he wanted to or not, Cloud was going to look ridiculously sexy on his date—“rehearsal,” as he insisted she call it.
Giggling to herself, she recalled the outfit she picked for him: black cargo pants that rested low on his hips, coupled with a black wife-beater to show off his biceps, and a leather jacket—just in case he got cold.
“If only he weren’t so completely gay,” Tifa sighed, glancing upward.
Suddenly, the door to the bar burst open with a loud bang. “Ohmigosh, Tifa,” said one rather excited Zack, pausing in doorway for dramatic effect. “You will never guess what I just found out.”
“Cloud isn’t as gay as he seems?” Tifa ventured.
Zack did a double take. “What? But that would ruin all of my plans,” he complained with a pout.
The brunet woman mentally smacked herself in the forehead. Rule number one, never supply Zack with obviously false information. “Never mind,” she said, “just some wishful thinking. What’s your big news?”
He regained his line of thinking at this, hastily making his way to sit at the bar. “Okay,” he started eagerly, “so you know me and Angeal are, like, best buddies? And how we always—” he rolled his eyes at the glance Tifa threw his way—“okay, almost always tell each other everything?”
Tifa nodded, scared to know where this was going.
“Well. Apparently, he’s been holding out on me,” continued Zack. “So, it’s me and Aer at the shop. She’s helping a customer, and I’m sitting looking pretty. Looking pretty and being bored. So I call up Angeal for a bit of stimulating conversation, right? We get past the usual courtesies, and then I’m like, ‘So you remember Cloud? You met him once or twice.’ And Angie’s like, ‘Yes, spiky blond hair, I remember him. What about him?’ And I was like—hey, stop laughing.”
Tifa couldn’t help but chuckle at Zack’s impression of his friend. “I’m sorry, go on,” she said, smothering her laughter behind her hand.
“Hmph,” said Zack haughtily. “I’d like to see you do better. Anyway, I was like, ‘Yeah, he’s got this massive crush on this guy, Sephiroth, but he doesn’t know what to do about it, ‘cause he can’t flirt for his life,’ And then Angeal interrupts me, like, ‘Wait. Did you just say Cloud has a crush on Sephiroth?’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, Angeal, aren’t you listening? Cloud is practically in love with the man—and with good reason, too, the guy’s gorgeous—’ And then Angeal starts laughing at me, can you believe it?”
Tifa didn’t even have the chance to respond as Zack plunged forward with his story. “Anyway, then I was like, ‘It’s not that funny, Angeal.’ And he was like, ‘Yes, it is. Because Sephiroth just so happens to have a crush on Cloud.’ And then my jaw dropped. I remember that because half a minute later, Angeal was like, ‘Zack? Are you still there?’ So then I said, ‘Yeah, yeah. You know Sephiroth?’ And Angeal—get this—Angeal says, ‘Of course, he’s one of my best friends.’ And I said, ‘No. Way.’ And he said, ‘Yes, Zack.’
Zack, wide-eyed and incredulous, paused for breath to see Tifa’s reaction. The bartender merely stood with one eyebrow raised. “Go on,” she said.
“So of course I had to ask, ‘So does Sephiroth like Cloud back?’ And Angeal says, ‘I don’t think I should tell you that, Zack.’ Can you believe he said that? To me? His best friend? I couldn’t believe it. So I was like, ‘Oh, come on, Angeal, puh-leeeeeeeeeeeease?’ And of course, he couldn’t resist, and was like, ‘Oh, alright. Sephiroth is madly attracted to Cloud, but thinks that Cloud hates him and is completely disinterested.’ So then I was like, ‘Oh. My. Gosh. Cloud is madly attracted to Sephiroth but thinks that Sephiroth hates him and is completely disinterested!’ That was when I got really silent and started doing a lot of thinking—”
“Oh, boy,” muttered Tifa, “I knew this couldn’t end well.”
“—and I jumped up and said, ‘I have to go Angeal,’ and Angeal said, ‘No. You are not going to go tell Cloud, nor am I telling Sephiroth. Neither of us is interfering in this, or else I’m telling Aerith it was all your fault when disaster strikes.’ I couldn’t really argue with that, so I lied and said, ‘Fine, but I still have to go. We’ve got some customers now. See you later.’ And then we hung up, and I sat and plotted, and this—” He held up a small plastic bag. “—this is what I came up with.”
Tifa eyed the bag warily. “So let me get this straight,” she said, crossing her arms, “Angeal knows Sephiroth and has confirmed that Sephiroth likes Cloud. Cloud likes Sephiroth, but at the moment, does not know that Sephiroth is interested in him. You want to go tell Cloud that Sephiroth likes him to make him panic even more, thereby solving which problem?”
Zack rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to tell Cloud,” he said exasperatedly, as if Tifa should have known that already. “This is even better. Just look in the bag.” He pushed the bag over the counter.
Tifa reached inside, pulling out a black case. Opening it, she found something that looked like an earpiece. “What the hell is this, Zack? A new pair of headphones?”
Zack shook his head. “This,” he said, “is the secret earpiece through which I will personally give Cloud directions while he’s on his date with Sephiroth.”
Tifa placed a hand on her hip. She hadn’t even told him about that night yet. “What date would that be, Zack?” she asked.
“The one I’m going to set Cloud up on,” said Zack confidently with a nod.
“Well, Sephiroth beat you to the punch, I’m afraid,” she informed him. “Cloud’s got a private rehearsal with him tonight, and Sephiroth will be here to pick him up in about twenty minutes.”
Zack stood up abruptly. “WHAT?! Then I’ve got to go put this on him now!” He hastily moved to run up the stairs, but stopped short when he saw the very person he was looking for.
“Put what on him?” asked Cloud cautiously, making his way down the stairs.
“Cloud,” said Zack, trying to beat Tifa to the explanation. “So, we’re best friends, right?”
Cloud nodded slowly.
“And you would trust me with your life, right?”
Cloud nodded again. “Why, am I being required to do so in the near future?”
“If you go with his plan, you are,” commented Tifa.
Zack flipped Tifa off and shook his head. “No, but what if I told you there was a way to make sure you don’t mess up on your date tonight?”
Cloud blanched. “First of all, it’s not a date,” he mumbled hurriedly, taking a seat at the bar.
Zack snorted, turning around to face Cloud. “Yeah, sure, that explains why you’re dressed all sexy like that,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.
The blond blushed and glared at Tifa. “Second of all, I did not choose this outfit, and thirdly, there’s nothing in the world that could keep me from making a fool of myself tonight,” he said pointedly.
“Oh, but there is,” said Zack happily, fisting his hands on his hips and puffing his chest out like a super-hero. “Me.”
“Oh, that’s rich,” laughed Tifa, polishing a glass, “Zachary Fair, preventing foolish behavior.
Zack stuck his tongue out at Tifa and blew a raspberry. “I am not that foolish, Ti-fa,” he whined.
Cloud snorted, snickered, and then burst into full-fledged laughter. “Okay, Zack, then let me just stick you in my pocket and carry you around with me,” he said.
“Not in your pocket, dear Cloud, in your ear,” explained Zack, showing him the flesh-colored earpiece. “You put this in one ear, and stick this in your other—there’s a video camera in the earring—and I’ll be able to guide you through everything that happens.”
Cloud raised an eyebrow at the two devices. “Zack,” he said slowly, “I’m not stupid. I’ve seen virtually every movie in which this type of plot is employed, courtesy of you. It will never work.”
Zack closed his eyes and shook his head. “But the people in the movies didn’t have me behind the scenes,” he said, eager to reassure Cloud. “Trust me, Cloud. I’m your best friend. I would never lead you astray.” He stared at the blond with pleading eyes.
Cloud glanced between Zack and Tifa. “Tifa,” he started to say.
Tifa closed her eyes and held her hands up in surrender. “Zack’s always had your back, hasn’t he? I say, and I know I may regret this later, but trust him on this one,” she said gently.
Cloud sighed. “Alright, then,” he said, “wire me up.”
Zack beamed. Minutes later, Cloud successfully had a video camera/earring in his left ear, a fully functional and tested ear piece in his right, and every certainty in his mind that this would only end in disaster. And that’s when Sephiroth walked through the door.
