Something happened to me last night that really got me down, and got me to thinking. I just think people need to think more before they speak sometimes. Let me explain…
Last night, I got a call from a new friend of mine, and we talked for quite a while, before he excused himself to call his girl-friend. My mom, being the concerned parent that she is, proceeded to ask me various question about the man and my conversation with him. I, filled with enthusiasm, gushed about his finer points, and told her how privileged I felt that I was able to become friends with him. At one point, I was telling her how caring he was, making a point to call his girl-friend every night, when she chuckled and said, “That’s nice. Too bad she doesn’t get home earlier, but I suppose talking to you is better than staring at the wall.”
I was hurt. I know she only meant that she was proud of me for being so supportive and not being jealous and all that. But she, like my best friend, my sister, etc, has pretty much labeled me the “backup girl”.
I have quite a few male friends. One only calls me when hid fiancé is mad at him, or out of town. The second has a new girl-friend every week and in-between I’m his councilor and confidant. That’s the way it’s always been. Guys see me a s “safe”. I know their darkest secrets, wildest fantasies, but I’m never tried to build a relationship with any of them for various reasons.
My Friends tell me, “You’re standards are too high!” “Why would a man want you, when there are so many more outgoing girls?” “You’re too pure.” And so on. I know they’re only joking. I know God has a plan for my life, and I’m willing to follow it. But I still cry myself to sleep from loneliness. I still have nightmares of abandonment. My head knows I’m going be ok. But my heart still feels every hurtful word, internalizes all the rude stares, and frets over otherwise insignificant details. Prayer is the only thing that gives me hope.
OK, I know I just sound like a sappy, lovesick teenager at this point, and maybe I am. But there’s a part of me that craves a calming touch, a caring voice. I love my friends. I wouldn’t trade my time spent with them. I hope I can spend much more of my life in their company. But my heart knows something is missing, and it won’t stop looking for it.
So what am I supposed to do? Just accept being the “backup girl”? For now, yes. I will be a listening ear, for anyone who needs one. I will love my friends, cherish my family. And at the end of the day, as darkness falls, this backup girl will pat her sore back for a job well done, and dream of the day when there will be a man to back her up, instead of seeing a backup girl.