Have you ever felt a passion so undeniably amazing that you can't stop it? I have. With Ethan. I glanced over at him, staring at his sleeping form. His features were so carefree. I ran a hand across his cheek, holding it there for a moment as I watched him sleep.
After we spent ourselves, we fell asleep pretty quickly in each others's arms. It was the most peacefully I had slept in a long time. But, I woke up with a start, and now I couldn't stop thinking. About myself. About Ethan. About what I was doing.
He had kissed me with such passion. I had been more than eager at the time to return the feelings and the kiss. But after some sleep and rejuvenation, I was back to my old self, and I wasn't about to let the innocent, farm girl personality take me over anymore.
Getting up, I realized I needed some space. I grabbed my clothes and hurried into my room. Closing the door behind me, I fell against it and crumpled to the floor. Would Ethan wake up and be hurt that I was gone? Would he even care? Would he come find me? I half hoped he would. I needed proof this meant something to him like it had to me.
But, what the hell was I thinking? Of course it hadn't meant anything? Things like love didn't just happen. You didn't just like someone after a day together. That's not how it worked. I was a good fuck, and once he got bored of me, he'd throw me aside. Just like everyone else. Just like what I did to others.
I was the one who used people, who pushed them aside, who didn't return the calls, who wanted to be alone, who wanted nothing to do with you. I was the one who people fell for, who people were confused about, who people wished would love them. It was hell being on the other side of things now.
Who would have thought I'd have stumbled so quickly? And it wasn't love. Too soon for that. It was a liking and a lust like I had never felt before. I got butterflies in my stomach whenever he looked at me. I hoped he thought about me as much as I thought about him. I wanted to be with him. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be in his arms still.
But, my thoughts had taken on a terrifying turn, and I needed to sort this out. I needed to just look at this like I did every other guy. I'd be okay then. I'd separate my feelings from the situation.
Getting up, I threw my clothes on the bed and strode over to the window, shifting into my truest form. A form I hadn't taken on in three years. I had almost forgotten how delicate I looked. How weak I looked. I frowned at the image and looked away. I hated looking at myself. It was a constant reminder of how stupid, innocent, and naive I used to be.
I was not going to turn into that person again. Not for anyone. I'd still be able to fuck Ethan. I just wouldn't be able to shift into any of the innocent little virgins anymore. When I tired, I didn't want to take on their personalities and make the situation worse for myself.
No, I'd act as though nothing changed. Because nothing had changed. You never really realized how good of a liar you were until you are able to lie to yourself.
