Lately, I’ve been extremely stressed for seemingly no reason. I’ll be fine (or seem fine) and then it just washes over me and I can’t think strait because I’m so stressed/angry/depressed. I’ve tried to get over it and nothing helps… Usually, when I’m with my boyfriend it doesn’t happen (That’s one of the reasons I like him. I can actually relax when he’s with me.) Today though, it happened anyway. I’m suffering from this right now… I think I’m having a stress headache and I know I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. I just finished B.S.ing my essay for Sociology class and that really didn’t help.
My boyfriend thinks that it’s because I NEVER get out of the house and that my family is keeping me high-strung. He’s probably right (because he’s almost always right…). My family keeps me on edge. When I’m at home, I’m always really tense. They’re constantly watching me and waiting for me to do something that they don’t like so that they can mess with me. Basically, they test me constantly to see just how far they can push me. I’m expected to never say anything and just obey everything they say. The other night, I was sitting at the computer during one of my stress episodes and I sighed. My mom asked what was wrong and I took the bait and told her I was bored and annoyed.. She said, “YOU HEAR THAT DAD? She’s bored and got NOTHING TO DO.” So he tells me to get off the computer and help him with what he’s doing. I say, “NO, NO, NO! YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME! I’M PERFECTLY HAPPY. See, look. I’m smiling. Never been better.” Then they walk away. Things like this happen a lot. They just wait for me to express any sort of emotion so that they can use it to pick me apart.. That’s why I don’t talk to them about anything. Of course, they come after me about that too…
I think I just need to get out of here for a while and relax with some friends. My boyfriend keeps promising me that he’s going to find a way to get me away before the end of the week. I tell him not to worry about it because I don’t want to cause him trouble, but he won’t let it go.. Just like the prisma pencils he swears he’s going to get me once he can afford them. He’s really sweet to care so much, but I don’t want him to worry about me all the time. I feel like I drag him down that way and I want him to be happy.
I’d kind of like to get out of the house for once, but I know it’s going to be a huge hassle. My parents are going to drill me before I go, that is AFTER the TWO DAY debate over whether I deserve to go or not… Thing is, I never did anything to make them think I wasn’t responsible and trustworthy. I mean, ONE TIME I was somewhere and said I was going to be elsewhere, but that wasn’t that big of a deal. I was supposed to be at one friend’s house, but we all ended up at one of our other friend’s house instead. My mom was so mad at me. Thing is, I would’ve told her, but I thought she’d blow up on me. Unfortunately, she found out on her own… Anyway, IF he somehow convinces them to let me go somewhere, they’ll be calling randomly while I’m out (they always do) and they’ll be waiting for me when I get home so that they can ruin my mood. I usually try to hide the good mood I’m in after I go to a friend’s because they always spoil it. I really only go to one person’s house though. She lives like five minutes away so they can just pop in if they feel like it. I have to call before I go to bed and when I get up in the morning. To make it worse, my mom calls my cell randomly during the night and makes me call her from the home phone so that she KNOWS I’m actually there. Then, when I call, she drills me. ANY question she can think of! It’s horrible!
She nagged me for years to get a boyfriend and when I got one, she didn’t want me to go out with him because she “can’t handle it.” If he so much as put a hand on my shoulder she would flip. I’d hear it AFTER he left.. Now, he hugs me in front of her just to make her mad because honestly, she needs to get over it. There are A LOT worse things I could be doing.
Sigh, I don’t know what her problem is, but I’m really tired of it. Sorry for the rant. I just had to let it out I guess…
