Dear Diary,

Well, I guess I am stuck in that rut again... I hate this. I have the mixed feelings about certain people and I know I am now an emotional wreck. i hate this.... I love someone sooo much but then all these small strange feelings are coming back to me about this one person but they aren't so strong like the way I feel towards the other one... I just feel like the worst person in the whole world....

I can feel myself changing now.. I'm the same like I used to be when I was younger. My clothing has changed, my music, and my thoughts and perceptions have changed too... I don't know how to stop it but I guess there is nothing I can really do about then... But I hate the way I feel while I'm changing. I feel like a butterfly constantly changing it's wings.... Or a snake always changing it's skin... It's so annoying but I know it's part of life... I think?

I jeep thinking to myself that there is one person so far who has always shown me kindness and forgave me of all the stupid things I've done... who calls me every night to tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and how great I am! Even if I don't believe it... I still appreciate his love. So much and I wonder if he knows how much I care about him? I hope he does but I don't think he has been told... by me... at least. He is so amazing and special to me. I couldn't see myself without him and his love is genuine and wonderful. He comforts me in the worst of times and he comforts me in the best of times... but he doesn't know who I am. I'm like that free spirit that is always being chased. I don't like to stay in one place. I change so often and my feelings change a lot.... but I know I love him so much. If he was willing to actually deal with me even though I change so often.. then I know he really really does love me... but no one has ever wanted to do that.... and it hurts me to know that one day... he will give up on me. Thats just how my life works. It brings me to tears every single fucking time I think about that. But I cannot blame him even though I won't ever be happy. But that is very selfish of me to feel this way.

Other than my feelings I have been feeling the stress of losing my home and not being able to get to school or anywhere because of no transportation.... this is horrible because I only have one month left of school and then I am going to graduate! I need a ride to school and my mom needs to start working again! Everything is just building up and all I can do is sit back and watch it all fall apart... I can't get a job because I don't have any trasportationa nd I live to far to walk anywhere. I just need some help. And lots of guidence. Lots of that. But I don't trust too many people at all to listen to all my problems... Last time that happend bad things happened.... Really bad things which is pribably why I don't trust if I do and something bad happends I kill myself inside thinking about how stupid I was. Once someone breaks my trust, I will not usualluy forgive unless I truly love you.

Well, i guess I should be going now. I'm stuck at the library all alone. i'm gonna walk up to the school and try to find my sister. I'm kinda bored over here. None of my friends are here so yeah... I guess there is no reason to stay. I will talk to you later sometime again. I don't know when though. I kinda spilled a lot of my feelings already. I guess thats not really good but I need to get some things off my chest you know? I don't know if anyone's felt like that but i'm kinda sure that people have before. Until then my friends. I hope everything has been good for you all.