So I was with my family last night. Honestly, if it weren't for my brother, I wouldn't even bother to go home anymore. It makes me so sad how our family has become a shipwreck. The happy life I remember from my childhood is pretty much gone. I suppose it was always in danger and I was just too young to see it. The only thing to do now is move forward and make my own life with people who would bring me up, people who support me and whom I support in return. Now my mother's all tense because she doesn't want to travel for Thanksgiving. This argument comes up every year. Her newest point of argument is that it isn't fair that we always get to see people on my dad's side of the family and not hers. But they don't invite us. He says that's their fault because they don't come see us, but they can't travel much because their health limits their mobility. If my maternal grandparents wanted to have us for Thanksgiving at their house, I'd be happy to go. I want to spend my holiday creating happy memories with family and doing fun stuff. Not eating instant just-add-water mashed potatoes and listening to my mother trying to calculate how many calories are in the pie crust. Definitely not being under her watchful eye and hearing how, whatever I'm doing, I should be doing it differently. Honestly, if the dorms didn't close, I'd probably just stay here for Thanksgiving break. It's so much easier to be grateful (as the holiday dictates) when you're surrounded by happy and loving people. Talking to my parents last night made me realize that they blatantly don't respect each other and I am having a hard time respecting them. I know they're my parents and I'm supposed to, but last night, my father mocked my mother for screaming in fear when he was driving recklessly without warning us, and my mother refused to buy my brother ice cream because it has too many calories. I mean, that's not the kind of thing I respect. It's not who I am to pay people 'respect' just because society says I owe it to them. If I do have to go home for Thanksgiving, it'll be pretty depressing for a holiday, but I'll try and stay grateful for the things I have anyways, and I'll try to make it less miserable. I'll play Minecraft with my brother and I'll even do some of the cooking if I have to (although that's a risky endeavor).

My mother's made so many excuses not to travel though...she always lets her selfish desires get in the way of my brother and I. For example, one year, she said we couldn't go because the kids always played while the adults did all the work. So my brother and I promised we'd help, but when we got there, our more selfless relatives wouldn't let us work and told us to go play. Then my mother yelled at us and said we couldn't go back the next year. It's all bullshit. It's all because she doesn't want to. We should just split up and do whatever we want on Thanksgiving. So much for family togetherness. But honestly, my family doesn't really feel like family anymore.

I'm worried about my brother, too. From the way he's been talking, I think he's been affected by all this too. He couldn't tell my parents because they'll just be patronizing and still not do a damn thing about it. So I'll keep going home just to keep and eye on him and whatever.