People do not make sense. (Rant imminent)
So. We went up to my dad's parents' house because my aunt (who lives near them) just had a baby. She has a small house and a new baby, so we decided to stay at my grandparents' house and not impose on her, but we still got to visit with them and see the baby. (the baby's great, by the way, everyone loves her.) Anyway, it just brought up a whole bunch of family drama crap. My mom was ranting in the car on the way home about how much she doesn't like my dad's family, how she hates the stress of traveling, and how she wishes we would visit them less. First of all, know that this is a family that has pretty much BENT OVER BACKWARDS to be nice to the in-laws. They have treated my mother with nothing but respect and have done their best to be good to her, and as soon as we start the drive back home she starts bashing them. She should appreciate what she's got. My dad's family is all slightly crazy, but they're great people. You could definitely do worse for in-laws. Second, MY DAD'S SISTER JUST HAD A BABY. Is it too much to ask to go see his sister's baby?
Then, when we were having dinner with the family, she started trying to control what I eat and insinuating that I'm getting fat in front of everyone. My dad would have defended me, but he was off with the baby at the moment. Luckily, my grandma caught it and came to my rescue, and my mom had to stop it or make herself look bad. I was quite grateful, as I was very stressed and just didn't have the emotional strength to defend myself at that time. It's very stressful to have to listen to that, even more so when it's in front of people.
Now she's being even more controlling and doing weird arbitrary things that I suppose she sees as parenting. I requested that she buy me some hair dye and she told me she would buy me turquoise hair dye, but not the color I wanted, because she didn't like it. Then last night she burst into my room at one in the morning (yeah, I was still up, being a college student has put off my sleep schedule) to bug me about going to bed earlier. She kept going on and on, reminding me that when I have class and get a job I won't be able to stay up late, and how life's not all fun and games. While that's true, it's not like I'm a child and don't know that. I've successfully completed a year of college (With all A's and B's) and I managed my own schedule then, so it's not like I'm incapable. But I just kinda nodded and kept saying 'okay' because I didn't want to be having an argument at one in the morning. Then she stayed there just kinda staring at me for a minute and it was just really uncomfortable. Finally she criticized the progress I've made cleaning my room and left.
These may seem like small things until I explain that she's been doing things like this all my life and it's actually impossible to keep her happy.It's taking a toll on my state of mind. Lately I've found myself sneaking around at things that I should actually be allowed to do. Like I was trying to get some food in the kitchen and just being really jumpy at the thought of someone coming in and seeing me, even though, logically, I know I'm allowed to eat food. (or at least, I should be allowed to eat food.) I keep thinking, hey, I'm an adult, I don't have to put up with this if I don't want to. But I don't have the words in me to fight what she's doing and even if I did, in her mind, she's right. She makes me just feel like a failure at life. I'm trying, I really am. Can't she let me take things at my own pace? Can't I be my own person? Can't she let me learn how to be an adult? I can't get away from her. She makes me so jumpy, like I'm a little kid who's sneaking around trying not to get caught, except I'm not actually doing anything wrong. Except everything I do is wrong. I just feel wrong.
I've got to get out of this house and back into college. I'm done. If my dad wants to play peacekeeper and have to deal with her like she's a child and it's his responsibility to keep her in a good mood, that's his business. But not me. I can't do it. She is a grown woman and needs to learn to be happy with what she's got rather than seeking brief satisfaction by controlling others. Because I'm also trying to grow up and progress in my life, and I just can't do it if I'm constantly stressed and drained from catering to her and listening to her insinuate that I'm not good enough as a daughter. I've got enough self-doubt in me and she knows just how to play on that when she's frustrated.
How did this become life? How did I not realize this is a screwed-up family dynamic all my life?
