I'm not actually going to turn this one into a long rant. I just don't want to get into it right now. Plus, I'm not a child anymore. I won't have to deal with this too much longer. I am in college; soon I will go back to college. Soon I will get a job; a while after that I'll find an apartment and get out. It's occurred to me that it will be weird to call a place 'home' that isn't the house in which I grew up. It'll be weird to go back to my childhood home one day and see that my parents have redone my bedroom, that it really isn't my room anymore. But that's how life goes. If anyone is actually reading this, you're probably wondering what I'm going on about. Well. It is my parents, it is life, and mostly, it is my conflict with my mother. It's not that she's never hurt me before; believe me, if this was the first time, it would be a LOT easier to overlook. But THIS time is the time I FINALLY got something fully through my head and it's just affected me in a weird way. It's taking me a while to get past this. i can't believe it took until I was nineteen to fully grasp this concept, but then, maybe I can believe that. i don't want to get any further into it. She's my mother and there have been good things she's done for me. But then that makes me question why. I'm going to stop. I said I wasn't going to turn this into a rant. It's already longer than I meant it to be. My point is that I've taken certain other people for granted in my life, people who have genuinely cared about me and appreciated me for the person I was. This may surprise some people, but my self-esteem isn't really the best, so it's always a bit of a pleasant surprise when that happens. So I'm going to stop wasting time on people who aren't going to be helpful to me, and for the people who have been good to me, I'm going to try and show them some more appreciation.

I can't really end this there, though. I can't say I'm 'wasting time' on her or that I'm simply going to stop doing so. She's my mother. She at least partially raised me, kept me fed and housed in my childhood, and is making it possible for me to attend college. That's not nothing. Plus, she must love me on some level, right? Or at least at one point she did. I don't know. Things have gotten so weird between us, so bitter and uncomfortable and difficult, that I don't really know what do do. There's no point bringing this up with her. We just don't see eye-to-eye given our different perspectives, and I'm pretty sure we never can. But I don't want to let this be the end of it either. I don't know what to do, so here I am ranting to a computer when I SPECIFICALLY SAID that I wasn't going to do that. Fantastic.