My mom's control issues are spiking up again.
She wants my brother to take a summer class at my university. Which I actually think is a good idea, since he wants to attend said university in a couple years, but he's not that into the idea. Still, it's not like he's got anything else planned this summer, so he agreed. So my mom wants me to help him pick a class.
ME: *pulls up the list of classes* well, we can rule all of these out, since they're all upper-level classes. He'll want to take one between maybe 001 and 020 because it'll be fairly easy, but it'll still give him a good idea of what college classes would be like.
ME: *finds intro Anthro course which I am currently taking* This is a good one. It's pretty easy and I could share my notes. *proceeds to explain anthropology and the course*
BROTHER: That one sounds interesting. I would do it.
MOM: Well, it's an online class. Can't you keep looking? (Edge of her *controlling voice* has appeared)
ME: I don't think it really matters. He'd still get the credits, he just wouldn't have to physically go to an actual place.
MOM: But I want him to get the on-campus experience.
BROTHER: I don't want the on-campus experience.
MOM: Can't you keep looking?
ME: *proceeds to find and recommend some intro-level English classes with professors that I know*
MOM: *shoots them all down for one reason or another, leads the conversation in circles*
ME: Well, any of those would be good as an English credit, and one of them fills a Diversity requirement.
BROTHER: I'll think about those for another year, but I'd rather take the anthropology.
MOM: Well maybe you should take the English class. (Said in her "controlling voice". Those of us familiar with her "controlling voice" have learned that the "maybe" is arbitrary. She doesn't really want this to be his choice.)
ME: (trying to subtly remind her to let my brother make his own decisions) The Anthro also fills a Diversity requirement, but why don't you see what he wants first?
MOM: (Still with the "controlling voice") I really think he should take this English one.
ME: (losing patience) MOM HE IS LITERALLY TELLING YOU WHAT HE WANTS.
ME: *finds intro Human Biology class* This one actually seems perfect, though. You want to be a surgeon eventually, right?
BROTHER: Yeah.
ME: This one would get you started in the medical sciences field, and starting early would also give you lots of time in advance if you decided to change your major. And the course says it's for non-medical science majors, but the credits would also count toward a medical sciences degree. That allows plenty of flexibility, and it's a very low-level course.
BROTHER: Okay, yeah, I want to take that one.
MOM: (Again with the *controlling voice*) Well, why don't we wait and see what he wants. (begins to close laptop)
BROTHER: (losing patience) I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU WHAT I WANT.
MOM: Well, I don't know. Maybe the summer class isn't such a good idea.
BROTHER: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED ME TO TAKE IT.
Jfc.
I should elaborate on the "controlling voice". It's a thing she does in which she phrases something so that it sounds like a suggestion, but it soon becomes clear that it was not actually a suggestion when she refuses to budge if we try to make a different choice. But she won't outright say "yes" or "no". She'll just keep repeating herself, repeating the deceptive not-suggestion, more and more firmly each time, and if you keep making the "other choice", she'll eventually and suddenly explode. It is very stressful when it catches me off-guard and furthermore I find it to be a very unhealthy and controlling method of interaction, so I try to catch it in advance and nip it in the bud, but often she refuses to be reminded that we are not, after all, that unreasonable in wanting autonomy in our own lives.
You also can't win when she gets like that. For example, I've learned enough by now to know that had my brother simply refused to participate in the conversation, she would have started snapping at him about how he's lazy, doesn't care about anything, and probably has no future. So he kind of had to at least respond, even though he wasn't very enthused about the whole idea in the first place and the "controlling voice" was making both of us even less happy about being there.
And my dad is completely in denial that our family has problems and has no idea why my brother and I don't want to participate in family activities.
Like, I don't know, maybe because OUR SYSTEM OF COMMUNICATION IS THOROUGHLY UNHEALTHY AND NO ONE REALLY WINS AND IT SERIOUSLY STRESSES US OUT. Possibly.
Just had to get that all off my chest. I'm almost 20 and my brother is 15, and she still can't get it through her head that we have the right to make decisions outside of what she wants.
