"Love is a promise, love is a souvenir,
once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
-John Lennon
I thought I had found love once, who's to say I didn't? In all honesty, I'm confused on what my time with Jake might be called. Endless devotion on my side, hopeless idiocy on his? No, I can't say that, for it would be the least true of all of this. Jake and I, were happy. I have no doubt that he loved me. Although I'm starting to base my belief in the fact that our love was more infatuation. Instead of pure love, however pure love is so hard to discover, you have it has a child and is suddenly slips away sometime during sleep. The pure love of a child leaves when the child looses hope, and dreams. When a child forgets what it's like to be a child. When a child grows up.
I myself, can't remember what it was like to be a child. Jake knew far too much
of being a child. Or so his actions spoke --more of an intense yelling-- to me.
So perhaps we were destined to fail for this very reason. Although did we really fail? No, I don't believe we did. Someone once told me, if you learn something, it was never wasted.
I learned so many things from Jake Mason. [insert last name here]. He taught me to love again. As over-used as that sounds, I can't stop it from being true. He introduced me to one of my best friends. My time with him was never a waste. We shall not be deemed a failure in the heavens. Or even on this green orb we call earth. Jake and I, taught one another something about life, love, and each other.
I no longer love Jake with the same infatuation, I once did. I do love him though. My love for him has bloomed into something one would deem, brotherly affection. I can talk him about my current love interests and not be ashamed. He can talk to me of the same. He is my friend, and I am his. I'm protective over him, and he is over me. Because I care about him.
[which is why I'm not exactly eager to tell him that I cracked my skull.]
The person I am;
I'm not at all sure who I am in this moment.
I know my name, Sarah-Catherine. I know my birthdate. July 20th, 1991.
These things, don't make me who I am though, they are just facts.
I've had my heart broken and I've broken hearts.
I've tried to kill myself, I've wanted to die.
You can assume what you want about who I am from those details.
But that's just it, you can only assume.
My best friend can tell me who they think I am, but it's only what they think.They may know, I'm nice, and loving, and warm, and soft,
but that's only some of who I am.
I think somewhere between the person I've been, and the person I need to be, I got stuck. Now, I guess I'm on the road to finding myself, discovering the person I'm meant to be. Although, isn't this what life is all about? Not finding yourself in so many ways, but building yourself. Although in my mind they're one in the same.
In all honesty, you can't say you know me, as in my person, not just my name.
Because I don't even know myself.
Come back though, because I'm on the path of self discovery.
The Past.
Today I let my mind wander, as much of us do from time to time.
My mind was a time machine that took me from the present and to the past.
As I remembered all the things I once did, and who I once was I understood something I had neglected before.
All these years I've tried to forget the past.
I've tried to erase it. I've gotten down on my knees and scrubbed my mind with a toothbrush.Into the deepest cracks. But that never wiped away all the memories.
This morning as I finally let the gates fly open and the memories come, I knew that we all have something we wish we could forget. You see as humans we do three things.
Live in the Present. Hope towards the future, and try to forget the past.
And in life none of us can ever really forget.
We will always remember.
but its not even about forgetting.
Its about living with it now.
No matter who we once were,
or what we did, we can't let that effect who we are now.
We must simply live, and keep moving on.
and always remember, the past was once the future to all.
What's your favorite name for a girl?
Eden.
What's your favorite name for a boy?
Indigo.
Do you like coke or pepsi?
Coke.
Have you read Twilight?
Breaking Dawn failed.
What does your car smell like?
Suntan lotion.
Have you ever eaten a marshmallow burnt?
Yes, and I blew them up in a microwave.
Do you have a gerbil?
No. :D
Are you afraid of airplanes?
Yes. D:
What gives you goosebumps?
Tickling. xD
Whose your favorite character on TV?
Erm. I don't watch TV
Why did you take this survey?
I have no idea.
Do you like ice cream?
Coffee.
Have you been to an arcade before?
Heck yes. :D
What is your favorite song?
Erm, I don't have one.
What is your least favorite movie?
Don't have one.
When do you think the world will end?
When it ends.
Do you think cheesy jokes are funny?
Yes. xD
Do you like texting or calling?
Both.
Have you ever online dated?
Yeah. Sadly.
Whose the last person you hugged?
Hannah. ):
Do you believe Wikipedia is always right?
What's Wikipedia?
Do you like bulldogs?
They're cute.
Have you ever eaten a corndog?
No, but I've eaten you.
What's your favorite article of clothing?
Skinny jeans!
Do you like classical music?
At times.
Is your grandma still alive?
Which one?
What's your favorite video on Youtube?
N/A
Do you have a friend named Buddy?
Yes. :D Eli's dog. Wait. He ran away. Nevermind.
Why are people weird?
Define weird? We all have different opinions on it.
Do you know what TTFN stands for?
Not at all.
What's your pets middle name?
Erm, pets have middle names? xD
Have you ever dated 2 people at one time?
No.
Have you ever sniffed someone's hair secretly?
Yeah. It smelt good. :D
Do you have a T.V in your room?
Yeah. :D
How long can you go without electronics?
I just went two weeks.
What are your siblings names?
Brandi.
Don Wayne.
Charlotte Ann.
April Dawn.
Kevin Michael.
Kacee Joe.
Harlee Francis.
Shawn Dean.
Are you bored right now?
Nah.
What do you love to dream about?
Anything that won't come true.
Are you answering these questions with false answers or true?
True.
Will you tell your friends to do this survey?
They do what they want. xD
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Was FDR correct in this very wise statement? Perhaps he was, I'm not going to go against some of the most famous words ever spoken. Although every time I hear this repeated, I forget to focus on not being afraid and I focus on my fears instead.
Most everyone has a fear, and if they deny the fact that they have a fear then they have a lying problem. Which is a another disorder in itself. Some people are afraid of heights, some afraid of spiders. Some people are afraid of being alone, and some people are afraid of being with other people. There are rational fears and there are irrational fears. Although to the person with the fear, it isn't really irrational is it?
I have a slight fear of heights myself. I dislike spiders, and I'd rather be alone than surround myself with people. Although I wouldn't call these things my fears. I declare my fears as things I am infatuated with.
My fear has always been death. Even if I won't admit it to myself sometimes, and I rarely admit it to others. I used to dream about my death; how I would die, how my best friends would deal with my death. I slowly grew out of that, but at times I still find myself daydreaming about taking my last breath. My heart will simply stop and I will fade into eternity.
Will there be no pain? That would be a blessing. Will I still get to see the stars? I live for the stars, they light my path and speak secrets in my ears. I wonder these things, I wonder about heaven, and about God. I wonder about my past and the things I've done. I wonder about karma.
I wonder if death will be everything or will it be nothing? Or can it be both? Some Universal black hole everyone has to go through.
I'm so afraid sometimes of death, and I know the only reason why I fear death is because death is the unknown. I do well with logic and things you can see. I often fail at things that I can't see or that I can't understand. I'm still not disputing the words FDR spoke so long ago, I am however saying I agree with Albus Dumbledore when he said:
"It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."
