So; I got my senior classes for next year.
I started crying, the whole 'grade 12' in bold at the top? Yeah, not good.
I don't want it to be my last year in high school already.
1st: Forensics - Bocksnick; 0211
2nd: Sociology/Psychology - McMurray; 0504
3rd: Photography - Keener; 0801
3rd: Housing Design - Piacentini; 1107
4th: Journalism IV - Walters; 0401
5th: Algebraic Connections - Hall; 2104
6th: Study Hall - Welsh; 1405
7th: English IV - France; 0205
Good classes. Yeah. I'm gonna go cry some more.
Edit:
So I have Advanced Theater 1st hour, something that I didn't sign up for.
I didn't want to be in that anymore. Hence why I dropped it last year.
Oh well; I guess I can deal. xD
Everyone is afraid of something. This simple truth makes up who we are as humans; a simple law of humanity. We hold this thought to be true to "evil" teachers, bullies, and perhaps even your slightly demented boss. While they mock our fears and faults we grasp tightly to this idea that these people who torment us, have something that torments them too.
Now what this fear is, or the reason behind it, well, it's only known to the person who has the fear. Spiders. Bugs. Heights. I myself am afraid of water, I almost drowned at a young age.
We all have our reasons for these fears; that being said, I'll move on.
As I've grown older, my fears have changed to an extent. I've developed new ones; most of them in the last three months actually. I'm honestly afraid of being left alone; I'm afraid to sleep at night.
Once long ago, I loved to dream. I would dream in all my favourite colours, and of all my favourite things. I frequently met with a friend in dreamland. The realm of sleep in which you remember everything. Simply a state of being in my mind? Perhaps, although, perhaps not.
I haven't traveled to dreamland in quite some time. Everytime I venture back to the entrance in my mind I find it blocked by some unknown force, deep within my subconscious. This force is not only freighting, but painful. What I now dream of is my new fear; for he leaves when I dream.
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
Don't try this at home
You said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me
I find it exceedingly difficult to believe anyone when they say they love and care about me. I've been hurt far too many times to fall into a trap of lies once more. Although this difficulty of mine, may save me being hurt by others, ultimately, I hurt myself in the end.
With Elijah; he is one of the only people I can believe.
Perhaps the fact that I've fallen asleep in his lap, or maybe that he's always been there for me. For years that kind of devotion is hard to lie about. He knows everything about me, every dark crevice of my heart, and yet he still cares about me. Why? See I can't answer that and that is why I know he cares.
With Jake..I question. Maybe in a way a small child would question why the sky is blue. They can't see things another way but still, they have the need to question. Why does he love me? Does he really love me? God; I shouldn't question these things. But I need to know, I mean, he shouldn't love me. I know this, so why? I'm not quite sure, and I never will be.
I'm not sure if I'll ever believe fully when someone says they love me.
I just can't. it doesn't change the fact that I love them though.
I'm just unsure as to why they feel the need to love me in return.
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there
-Yellowcard; Everywhere
Proof that I'm only pretty in pictures;
Today is one of those days.
A type of day I feel so inept, so etiquette, so unworthy.
I'm nothing special, I'm not even a good person.
I'm really angry, I have "A few unexcused absences."
So I have to take semester tests for first lesson.
This is completely pointless since I've been excused every day.
The office better not be making this mistake, or they're going to have a fiery redhead yelling. [Aka my mum] Her Irish decent is apparent when she yells. [wince]
In other news;
Djayy hacked my myspace and did the 'about me' section from her POV.
I think I'm in love with it, it makes me giggle.
[I typed Jake's name then backspaced because I don't want to talk about him this time;; even though I kinda already did.]
I'm reallyyyyy messed up..I'll post another time. When I'm not in class or something.
Eighty-nine days. Twelve weeks. Three months.
2136 hours. 128,160 minutes. 7,689,600 seconds
However you want to say it; that's how long ago my life changed.
During this time my heart has been mangled to the point of no return.
I question everything now; I over-think the smallest things.
and still I'll sit here and say I've never felt more alive.
On that note, I've never felt more broken.
I'm seventeen; and for the first time I believe everyone when they said I'm too young. I'm in love, there's no disputing that fact, but this love comes at a great cost.
This feeling of absolute adoration is something I'm not sure I should have the power to give. But I can't go back, I can't give this love back, to whatever source of power it originated from; I can only give it away but in turn, I must give a part of who I am.
Saying "I love you." Is more than just a simple saying of words; more than a simple phrase. When you speak those three words, and you mean them, expect to say goodbye to your heart.
And the thing is, my thing is; I can't possibly ask him to stop hurting me, because I like the pain. I like the moments when I feel his absolute love for me. I love those few moments that makes the pain worth it.
