"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
| | perfectly content | |
Does it matter what I say? I can tell you all my name is Sarah Catherine,that
I'm eighteen, and my favourite colour has always been blue or yellow.
Those are only facts about myself, and yet, I always see paragraphs written as such.
I doubt it would matter at all if you knew,that I love my best friends
with everything I have.That I support my school football team, 100% and
I hate missing games. That I love the band geeks.They never get enough credit.
I could tell you I'm editor of the school paper.That I have an intense passion
for writing.Or that I'm never anywhere without my ipod.
I can inform you all that I've been in love.That my heart was once broken,
and now it's healed.I can tell you I believe in God, and know I'm going to
live forever.But do you know who I am? I can't find myself to believe you do.
Any words I write, are just that. Words on some page.It doesn't mean you
know who I am, or what I'm about. I myself am still figuring that out.
so come on
we'll set it off, set it off from the start
to the top, to the top where we are
they'll say we're only making enemies whoa
we'll set it off, set it off from the start
to the top, to the top where we are
they'll say we're only making enemies
My music is like on full blast at the moment.
and it isn't drowning out my thoughts.
I'm drowning myself in my own tears though; how very nifty of me.
My mum is watching this show about vampires; its kinda epic really.
I keep looking in and listening to some of it.
Graduation is tonight right?
Yeahhh; I'm not a senior but I was invited to some parties.
I think I'm going to go. If my music won't make these feelings go away, maybe the party will. I'm not sure what he would say if I went; and right now I don't care. Right now I want to forget how much my heart hurts.
I'm so incredibly sad and lonely at the moment; and I don't know why.
I know I shouldn't complain, that others have it so much worse; but even if they do, it doesn't lessen my pain any. I try to be happy, I honestly do, I just happen to fail everytime.
May 15th;
Jake is going to start reading the journal I gave him.
[I wrote every day something. Started on our anniversary. My gift to him really]
I'm not happy with what I wrote in some of it; in fact I'm downright ashamed.
I wish Djayy would stop being so lazy, and send me my letter.
So he can send me something too. The thought that I could have something from him, brings tears to my eyes. Now I'm crying. Perfect. I need something from him.
When we paint a house, we give it many coats of paint, so when and if the paint peels, there will be another layer. But due to time, and elemental forces the paint peels, reveling the structure beneath. All the many coats peeling away to reveal what's hidden beneath.
I am like this house, painting myself with many coats of various shades, praying that my paint will not peel and leave me displayed. When I see a crack starting to form, I add another coat of paint and move on. But in the end I’m just covering up who I am, so much so, that I’ve forgotten myself.
We all cover ourselves with paint. What kind, why, how many layers, well, that’s all left up to you. Some people only choose a thin layer, shedding it at the first sign of peeling. Others, like me, add coat after coat. Some were abused, some hide from their past mistakes, some are suffering from broken hearts, shattered lives, some may be too depressed to live, to afraid to die. And some, like me, might just be afraid of themselves. Of truly finding out whom they are.
All of those things I mention above are me. I was abused, invaded, taken advantage of. I’ve done things in my past no-one knows about, things I’d rather keep that way. My heart has been broken, shattered to the point of no return. I’m so sad, but I’ve made promises to stay here and live. I’m not selfish enough, to willing leave anyone behind.
There was once I time when I would have done anything to know who I really was. To find out exactly where I’m going; I am no longer that person. I stopped playing pretend a long time ago. Because the things that have happened to me, what I’ve done, my broken heart, they’ve changed me. I’ve turned into a person I don’t recognize, and I’m afraid of that person. I’m afraid because she knows the world. She’s been acquainted with it.
So; I will continue painting over that girl, layers upon layers of paint. Until one day; someone will see. Someone who will come up to me and peel away the layers; someone who will tell me I shouldn’t be afraid of that girl. That the girl is who I’m meant to be, they will reveal me to myself. And I will not longer be afraid.
Forever long ago. I've forgotten to remember,
our first hello.
Last day for my seniors.
So many of them have been looking forward to this day all of their lives.
No more high school. No longer required to come to school.
I'll be quite happy to see most of them go, but some I will miss.
Lunch with Shani' our many inside jokes. ["Trucker #1&2. Boys Athletics. I deleted the picture. Tennis balls look lovely in the sun. High on the hog."> Stabbing Trey in they eye with a fork. Poptarts in the morning with Alysha. So many memories. So much time has gone into our friendships. So many things I know I'll never forget, and so many things I pray they won't. I love you AHS Class of 09'! Good luck; I know you'll all find your place in this world. As cliche as that sounds anyway.
