"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
| | perfectly content | |
Does it matter what I say? I can tell you all my name is Sarah Catherine,that
I'm eighteen, and my favourite colour has always been blue or yellow.
Those are only facts about myself, and yet, I always see paragraphs written as such.
I doubt it would matter at all if you knew,that I love my best friends
with everything I have.That I support my school football team, 100% and
I hate missing games. That I love the band geeks.They never get enough credit.
I could tell you I'm editor of the school paper.That I have an intense passion
for writing.Or that I'm never anywhere without my ipod.
I can inform you all that I've been in love.That my heart was once broken,
and now it's healed.I can tell you I believe in God, and know I'm going to
live forever.But do you know who I am? I can't find myself to believe you do.
Any words I write, are just that. Words on some page.It doesn't mean you
know who I am, or what I'm about. I myself am still figuring that out.
and this time I'm for real.
I've been sad too long in my life. Half of my seventeen years.
I will freely admit most of it is self-pity for myself.
A very important person in my life helped my realize that I make her sad when I'm sad. Never once had I dreamed that I made that much of an impact. That they would care so much about me. I know they told be, but I've been fed so many lies. I just thought they were more lies. I never believed they would care so much about me. But I'm done being that person. I refuse to be that sad anymore. We can never go back; only forward. I'm falling away from my past.I can't live with the dead anymore. I'm alive, I walk in the land of the living. It's time to move on. I can think of them and be happy for them. Yeah I'll have my days, but it won't be everyday anymore.
I have a twin, who listens to me. Always.
I have a Jack who makes me promise things I don't want to.
Which are always best for me, even if I don't think so.
I have a Lake (Jake) who loves me endlessly. [Who makes me wonder his sanity when it involves me though.] But who is a part of who I am.
Jennifer who makes me day so much brighter and means so much to me.
Elijah who holds me tight when others can't. [I love you bessie]
I have countless others who care. So what's the point in hurting them?
I'm not only hurting myself. I hurt them, with my dry remarks. Never knowing how much they care. That's over with.
Thanks Twin. <3
And everyone else.
I finally believe you care.
This is just a warning to someone who'll never even see this.
Never, ever talk about them again. If you have an issue with me, don't bring them into it. I will never forgive you if you do again, and I can promise you will regret it. You can make me feel bad about myself. But never once bring up my friends. I refuse to feel anything but love for them. I once would have done this for you. That time has passed.
Don't talk about Jake. Ever again. Don't play up my fears. You have no right to say I'm not worth it. You're not worth it. You're not worth my time.
I'm surprised I even wasted this much time on you.
Don't talk about Djay. She's twenty times more of a friend then you ever were.
Utter Jacks name and I'll hit you. Talk about Jennifer and Addie and you won't ever again. And never. Ever. Bring up Seth again. I don't know what I'll do. I may not do anything. Like I've said you aren't worth the tears I'm crying now.
Oh one last thing; you will never see me cry again.
I refuse to show you how much you've hurt me.
Or maybe I never really cared to begin with?
The darkness engulfed me, ate at my very being, I wanted to cry out, but I knew none would hear my call. I let myself die inside, a little at a time. I knew none would care about this one lost soul in a sea of thousands. I had never mattered, and I never would.
-Stefan Moretti.
This quote I wrote for one of my characters a long time ago..describes how I feel at this very moment. I'm so tired of crying. I'm sick of keeping promises I never should have made.
I just want to you to be happy. I want to take away your sadness and despair, I may be drowning in my own, but I can handle yours if you're only happy.
-Kitt
and I would have waited forever for you...
I'm not sure how much I should say on here. Or anything at all.
But I feel the need to pour out my soul, and Jack isn't on, and I'm afraid I'll bug Djay if I keep it up.
But inside I can't stop thinking, and I feel like I'm dying. I told Djay about Seth today. Full story, no holding back. and it killed me, all of the memories came flooding back. All of the broken promises.
I told her about how when he broke his promise to me, I thought breaking mine to him would make him come back. I almost lost my life in the process. I'm bringing Seth up, because May 5th is the anniversary of his death. One year. One year I've had to live with this. One year since my best friend killed himself.
Djay and I were talking, and I felt the need to tell her. Only a few people know about Seth, and even though I've made promises I intend to keep, sometimes I just wish I could die so the pain will cease.
I've never shared this with anyone, the last memory I have of Seth. His last letter to me; his last letter to the world.
Typed out from memory:
"I wake up and wish the world had ended in my sleep and it hurts...I don't want to leave you...you are the reason I made it this far but I can't do this anymore...I have no home and nothing I just wish it to be over
you are one of the greatest people I have ever met in my life and know that you will go far through life...helping people and showing the world how people really should act...I know you will make it through your life with flying colors and live forever...I am sorry this happened this way and I love you more than the world and will never forget you ever."
He later went on to say where we could find his body...
Was I not a good enough friend to him? Was I not a reason enough to stay?
I guess not, I guess I was never good enough. That's what I think about when I think about Seth.
It hurts so badly to be left behind, but I think it hurts more to know you were left by choice. He choose to OD. He didn't die of cancer, or in a car wreck. He killed himself, he choose to leave...he had the chance to say goodbye, and he was so selfish. So very selfish.
I'm sorry. I can't say anymore...I need to say so much more too.
I can't do this anymore...
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE BLASTED CLOCK IT SAYS "9:11"
He's done that to me. I never used to. Not until he told me he did.
That number is his birthday, I wonder if he see's mine. Ha. I wish.
SO; HAPPY FREAKING EARTH DAY! <3
I don't reallly have much to say on that.
The bell is gonna ring soon, and I so forgot to do my Spanish take home test
My computer is getting fixed today; so I'll talk laters yeah? XD
