This may be very difficult for me to write, let alone send.For in this moment I am still very hurt.
Today I made my way into Kenner Chapel for the first time in over a year. As you might have seen I recently got my lip pierced. I hadn't attended any church since having it done for fear of being judged. Yet I spoke to God many times and he told me that I will be judged every single place I go. That I am who I am, and those who judge do not understand, nor do they see the real me.
As I walked in, nothing big happened, a few nameless people commented, and yet most everyone walked up to give me a hug and declared how very much I've grown. Desray, who hadn't been to church in a little over four years, came with me. My best friend Ali was also by my side. And yet I felt so alone, even the presence of God had faded to the back of my mind and heart. Sadly I felt that in a church I was once very close to. Walking into Sunday School I became more comfortable with myself and those around me. I even spoke aloud during the discussion about my views, which will fit in later on.
I sat through the sermon, although sadly talking to God myself rather than listening to brother Charles. After church I ran to the restroom, shook the pastor's hand and made my way to my car. After dropping Desaray off, Ali and I headed home. After little discussion, and talking with Ali and Dezzy, I decided to go back to attend the night service, which turned out to be singing and social. As I walk in the door five minutes before it starts brother Charles comes to me to say that Larry Gregory had wanted to speak with me this morning, I told him I would find him after the songs had been sung and the food was served.
Well, as it turns out, he found me. Not only did he call my lip ring disgusting, he forbade me to go to camp at all next year. As a consular for teen week, or a helper for kid week. He made it clear that he thought I was wrong and disobeying God. I've read the handbook, I know about no body piercings. I had planned to take my lip ring out, and still attend. As I said, he made it clear that I cared more about my bad self image here on earth rather than caring about what God wanted for me. He said I couldn't go unless I didn't have a hole in my lip.
After he was done he ad the gull to say he still 'loved' me.
Which of course I'm sure is true. In his own mind and heart he might, still 'love' me.However I felt like he loved giving me an empty lecture. If I can't have a hole in my lip,why can girls have holes in their ears? I'm sorry, I understand I'm 18 and wouldn't be a camper anyway, but you don't make anyone cover their tattoos'...This was my choice to get this lip ring. I feel like I can reach more people by looking like this than by being a self-righteous fire fighter.
The Sunday school lesson today was about when we die, we are given a new body. I said that I thought the new body would be a reflection of our souls, what's inside our hearts, since it is not to be considered 'ghostlike'. If we are to be given this new body, as the Lord has declared then why does my image in this world matter? My heart is the same, my soul is the same. I am as close to God as I have ever been, and no one, has the right to judge me.
As my facebook status says, " Just because you're religious and attend church does NOT make you close to God. Being close to God makes you close to God." Perhaps I don't need any answers to the few questions I asked, I just needed to speak my mind, to someone I trust and love.
How often shall you have to deal with the dread of my absence?
Surely you all are being driven mad by my inability to post for the time being.
Sorry guys!
I, Catherine "Kitt" Abthence, *insert last name here*, am a senior this year. I'm not only excited, but completely freaked out. Not to mention I have NOOO time... and if you all just saw my drama schedule for the year, you would cringe.
I'm working now more than ever because I just bought a Mustang, so yeah that fails.But I promise, I'll stop and take a break and reply. I promise, just, not anytime soon.
-Kitt.
Senior year; day one? DOWN!
Only 177 more to go...
Lord, I have sooo much to say, and yet, no time to say any of it.
I'll have to make a post on a weekend or something...
I'm too busy now. :D
I have my lip done, I'm sexy, I know it. xD
Uh, I'm back in school for my last year...WOOT!
And tired, so I'm gonna go. xD
Peace. :D
"Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to no one. " -Shakespeare
As of late I've been having quite a few problems, of course I need not go into ever single detail of my troubled existence, now do I? No, I honestly don't, my goal is not to bore you to utter insanity, no, that has never been my intention. My intent has always been to inform, to give you all more knowledge than you once had before. Isn't that what listening to others is all about anyway? Seeing different perspectives on everyday, or not so ordinary things? Ah, indeed, I must believe so.
Despite the popular saying, or a better fit of a word would be, common saying, friends do come and go. Which at the moment is the hardship I'm facing, one of the many obstacles for me to overcome anyway. Most of the hectic uncalled for drama has faded for the moment, but I understand that it's just lurking around the corner from me right now, waiting to strike once more.
Friendships are fragile, fragile things. As is any relationship with any other human being. We are in a sense, so fragile ourselves, so why shouldn't any contact with someone exactly like us, in ways of emotions and our very mechanics. It is so difficult for me, to interact with another person. My emotions are always out of any sort of sequence anyway so I always carry the feeling around with me that I'm being replaced.
Sometimes we as humans can have some serious communication disaster with one another. We talk, and yet, do we ever really listen to what the other has to say? No, I'm afraid we really don't ever listen to what the other has to say. I'm guilty of this myself, and I do think that this is one of the many, ever changing reasons that friendships fail. If we take the time to look back on everything, the laughter, the tears, is anything, and I mean anything really more important than friendship?
We make sure people come and go, but by not listening to them, by ignoring their needs and what they want, we are in fact doing wrong to the few people we should trust, let alone love.
"We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I’ll still be here." -Grey's Anatomy
Rain Pebble StandingBear is my Native American name.
No lie. :]
Hhaha, so well, I haven't posted.
My guest posters fail.
Like, whoa. :D
It's okay though.
I've been with Ali.
Even though I miss Jack.
I have a new phone.
It's orange.
Like my camera.
Oh yeah.
Ali lives here.
So. woot.
uh, school soon, and basically I can't wait. :D love me.
For Ali. :]
I'll post something deep tomorrow. :D
And no Djayy, not like your mum.
