I have many things that aren't disclosed to very many people, if any at all.
In simpler terms, I have many secrets about myself, and my family. Needless to say I won't be spilling any of the juicy details of my life tonight.
Why I started off with this as a header? I'm not quite sure honesty. Perhaps its due to the fact that I have no idea where this post is heading at the moment. I might possibly end up telling you all some secret, or less we not refer to it as a secret, but more as a detail of my personal life you had no previous knowledge of.
I've been meaning to honor a post to my best friends, and spill you all my sob story of all my friendships, the anguish that tore apart my little five year old soul when Dillon Rogers stole my pink crayon, that very first day of school. Or how his twin Brandon and I, became best friends. Until Brittany Thomas. Now I see Brandon in the halls, and I remember a time when we begged to be allowed to have a sleep-over together. How Eva had me pee outside when we were little, and yet, I haven't heard from her since.
I've been meaning to post about my sister. The reason I deist the word 'retard'.
The reason I have follow so many causes. To tell you all that I didn't just grow up in hospitals because of me. My sister has spina bifida. Which in Latin means 'split spine.' It means she's in a wheelchair and can't walk. That she's never been able to move her legs on her own. The stares we get in public. I've been meaning to tell you all how blasted rude it is to stare. Be it a physical, or mental disability. Or be it nothing at all! You. Shouldn't. Stare. How I've defended her more times than once. Just because her legs don't work, doesn't mean her head doesn't. I can guarantee she's as smart as you are, or smarter.
Maybe I've been meaning to post again about Seth. To tell you guys he wasn't the first one. Of course he wasn't. Maybe I've been set on telling you all about JJ. The little boy who died, hours after I had played with him. Promising him we'd finish our game another time. How my nephew Jake is the same age as JJ when he was killed. How no one remembers him anymore. How they just forgot him. Maybe I've been meaning to tell you how my cousin was murdered while she slept my her step-father. How her little sister and mother were killed too. Then the bastard killed himself. How my uncle was tormented after he found out, how he still isn't okay. Maybe I've been meaning to tell you about Cody. Who jumped in the river to save his love. Cody who was the type of person who could make you laugh even if your dog had just died. The person who needed to make so many people laugh after he died. Or maybe Jenny! Oh Jenny! Who made one mistake, and paid the price; her life. Four days before graduation.
Maybe I've been thinking about telling you about my dads. Yeah, dads. How my mother was married to Eugene. but was dating the man I know as my father? How I'm not sure who my biological dad is, because my mother isn't? How I can't even compare myself to Eugene, considering he's dead and I've never seen a picture of him. How the man my mother married thirteen years after I was born is...horrible sometimes. Loud at best, drunk and disgusting at best. How when I was in 6th grade we left and I went to live with my aunt and uncle. How I lived with them again a year later after the house burned down.
Maybe my brother! The brother I can barely remember!The brother who is prison somewhere! Who I haven't seen in four years, not since grandma died. The brother I'm not allowed to talk about. The brother who used to give me piggyback rides, and drive me to school. The brother who was caught selling drugs.
Or the uncle, who only let me come to camp because he felt sorry for me!Oh vista! The place my parents sent me when I tried to kill myself. How I didn't want to leave! Because everyone understood about Seth, they knew. When my own parents didn't even bother to ask the reason.
Or Elijah. Sweet Elijah. How badly I hurt him. How sometimes, I could not tell him things, but I do anyway, because secretly I'm afraid he'll stop caring one day. Everytime I get hurt, I feel better when he freaks out. Because it means my sunshine still cares. Djayy, how sometimes she, I think she doesn't care.When She's proved time and time again she does. How insecure I am, feeling so alone when we're so close. Jack; amazing Jack. How I don't feel worthy of him. Ever. How his friendship came at a time when I didn't know I'd need it.But how he's helped me through so many things. He said he'd never leave me, and god, I pray it's true. Addie. Loving Addie. Always there. Never leaving me. If there was ever a fallen angel. It's her. Jennifer...I can't even say anything about Jennifer. She is my bestie.She has helped me so much. So much.
Jake. Oh Jake, he broke my heart, and I can't help loving him. How I settle for friendship, because it's all he can give.
Maybe I just want everyone to stop thinking so damn highly of me!
Maybe I want to prove I'm not perfect! That I'm not good enough!
Maybe I just want every to admit it for once.
Or maybe I haven't been meaning to tell you any of this. Maybe, just maybe, I'm sick of keeping it inside. Maybe I wanted someone to know.
