This may be very difficult for me to write, let alone send.For in this moment I am still very hurt.
Today I made my way into Kenner Chapel for the first time in over a year. As you might have seen I recently got my lip pierced. I hadn't attended any church since having it done for fear of being judged. Yet I spoke to God many times and he told me that I will be judged every single place I go. That I am who I am, and those who judge do not understand, nor do they see the real me.
As I walked in, nothing big happened, a few nameless people commented, and yet most everyone walked up to give me a hug and declared how very much I've grown. Desray, who hadn't been to church in a little over four years, came with me. My best friend Ali was also by my side. And yet I felt so alone, even the presence of God had faded to the back of my mind and heart. Sadly I felt that in a church I was once very close to. Walking into Sunday School I became more comfortable with myself and those around me. I even spoke aloud during the discussion about my views, which will fit in later on.
I sat through the sermon, although sadly talking to God myself rather than listening to brother Charles. After church I ran to the restroom, shook the pastor's hand and made my way to my car. After dropping Desaray off, Ali and I headed home. After little discussion, and talking with Ali and Dezzy, I decided to go back to attend the night service, which turned out to be singing and social. As I walk in the door five minutes before it starts brother Charles comes to me to say that Larry Gregory had wanted to speak with me this morning, I told him I would find him after the songs had been sung and the food was served.
Well, as it turns out, he found me. Not only did he call my lip ring disgusting, he forbade me to go to camp at all next year. As a consular for teen week, or a helper for kid week. He made it clear that he thought I was wrong and disobeying God. I've read the handbook, I know about no body piercings. I had planned to take my lip ring out, and still attend. As I said, he made it clear that I cared more about my bad self image here on earth rather than caring about what God wanted for me. He said I couldn't go unless I didn't have a hole in my lip.
After he was done he ad the gull to say he still 'loved' me.
Which of course I'm sure is true. In his own mind and heart he might, still 'love' me.However I felt like he loved giving me an empty lecture. If I can't have a hole in my lip,why can girls have holes in their ears? I'm sorry, I understand I'm 18 and wouldn't be a camper anyway, but you don't make anyone cover their tattoos'...This was my choice to get this lip ring. I feel like I can reach more people by looking like this than by being a self-righteous fire fighter.
The Sunday school lesson today was about when we die, we are given a new body. I said that I thought the new body would be a reflection of our souls, what's inside our hearts, since it is not to be considered 'ghostlike'. If we are to be given this new body, as the Lord has declared then why does my image in this world matter? My heart is the same, my soul is the same. I am as close to God as I have ever been, and no one, has the right to judge me.
As my facebook status says, " Just because you're religious and attend church does NOT make you close to God. Being close to God makes you close to God." Perhaps I don't need any answers to the few questions I asked, I just needed to speak my mind, to someone I trust and love.
