lonely lovely lady
I talk to Jennifer, Anika, Djay and Addie. But the rest of you who actually read this should be kept informed.
The Rumour Mill:
One of my best friends, Bren and myself went to church last Sunday. It was Laura's church. I haven't been to church in..around seven months. I have my reasons. I don't honestly believe in religion. Well I do, but I don't. Its very complicated place inside my mind. But I also don't go becasue of rumours. Lies. Treachery. Hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, not all church's are like this. But don't be fooled, most of them are. In short; rumours were spread. Which led to Laura breaking up with Ryan. Her boyfriend of several months. The relationship was on the brink of of crashing anyway. But they might have made it if the rumours hadn't started. If Ryan hadn't believed them. If the church members hadn't spread them. A church should be a sanctuary. Not a gossip hour. We have no right to condemn others. So why do we do it, why did they?
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Friends:
I've made a few new friends in the last few months. Because of Jake I met Djay.
Djay is you are the coolest person ever. I can talk about pickles with you! PICKLES!
You understand my love. Hey plus you gave me a strawberry. I'll love you forever now.
But you are one of those people. The ones that are so rare to find. You have sad moments, and it makes me really sad when you do You probably didn't know that. You're beautiful. Inside and out. You shine.
I've been friends with this girl for a while but sometimes I think she's the only one who really listens. Jennifer. rawr. You love my randomness. You love me. You love it when I'm annoying. You love it when I say something and you ask, and you know I'll say "Idk" but you'll ask anyway. You know I love how you chew gum all the time, and send me random txts about your day and asking about mine. I love how we talk everyday and I know I can depend on you. Always. I love how you grr at me. I love the confidence you have in me. When I can't seem to find it in myself. I love how we help each other and we're always willing to talk. I love how you don't act fourteen. I love how you're wise beyond your years. You're one of my best friends, and I know you'll be here for as long as you can. P.S: I love how I can't stand calling you Jenn now. Jennifer is so much better.
Ryan. Dudes. I never thought I'd have a friendship with you. Like at all. But since this Laura/Bren/Ryan thing. And I've spent time with all three of you. I don't know. I feel closer to you. Which is funny. Cause I used to kinda not like you at all. You know I'm here for you. And this feeling inside, you feeling colder now you've lost her...it'll go away. It will.
Cynthia. You freaking Asian wanna be. I EFFING love you. I love how I can joke with you, and how we can laugh. Insanely. In the halls. I love how we sing in the bathrooms.
I love how I hide my crap in your locker when my locker is five down from yours. I love how I'm only two inches taller then you. I love our inside jokes. Cookies or crumbs?
You know you like the crumbs. Rofl. "What flavour is it?" "IT'S BLUE!" Oh god. I'm going to have an asthma attack laughing so hard at our stupidity. Oh. I also love how you txt me random things. In class. During the state wide testing. When we weren't allowed to have phones. -.- rofl. The fact that we have the same ugly yellow phone. We kick some serious butt.
Jake: *sigh* I think you deserve your own heading. One little paragraph won't do it for me. Its just when I think about you, I'm not sure I'm THINKING. I just am being. My heart is my brain when I'm with you.
Insanity boiling under my skin; I think I love you.
Jacob. Jake. Vel. Velly. (Jace. xD)
If I think of any of these names, or the letter they even begin with, my heart starts to beat fiercely. My brain becomes clouded and I'm sure my judgement does too.
Your smile. The way you speak. The way you tell me you love me.
Its time to say it. Its time to shout it. I'm in love. And I'm scared. I'm afraid.
I'm not afraid you'll hurt me. Ha. Thats funny. You seem to be afraid you'll hurt me.
God. Bloody effing hell. I want you to let that go. I want us to be. Let us be who we are. How we are. Lets live in the moment. I don't feel like living in the future. I don't want to think about what you might do. Yes, I'm easily breakable. Yes, you already hurt me everytime you leave. Yes, sometimes I don't think you're coming back. No matter what you've promised. But when I talk to you; all of that disappears. I'm willing to wait forever for you. I may die in the process but I will wait.
Now. I'm afraid of something you said wouldn't happen. I'm afraid that you don't love me.
Which has happened before so I'm right in some twisted way about it. I've learned what to expect from people. But you aren't them. You're Jake, and you're mine. You're my soulmate. So I should let go of the past. I should embrace us now, like I tell you too.
What happens with us will happen. I believe in fate. Everything happens for some unknown reason. Look at the smaller pieces of the puzzle to see the bigger picture. Because in life we don't have a preview of how things will turn out. We don't have instructions. We have each other to help guide us through. I have you. You have me. No matter what happens, I will always love you.
[While typing this the voice mail you left me, that I put on my Ipod came on. When I typed "I'm afraid that you don't love me." You said you loved me. I heard it. I can't help but smile at fate.]
Friday was one month. One month since we've been dating. One month since I admitted I loved you. Its funny. I loved you before I knew you. But again it fits. If we follow the soulmate principle, we follow that we were made for each other. So I should have loved you before I knew you. You're a cocky sweetheart. You're my cocky sweetheart.
RANDOMNESS:
I got about a foot cut off. From my hair of course.
So its really short now. Think Alice Cullen. (:
Jake says it matches me better. I have to agree.
Although his hair his longer than mine.
It does bug me a little.
Smiles. Tears. Laughter.
These past months have brought me tender smiles, heart-breaking tears, and much laughter. I wouldn't trade any of it in. Things change. People leave. People come.We don't have forever. We don't have always. We have now.
So let's live it.
