I sit here, and stare at the blank white page in front of me. In the corner of my eye I see I message from Lilly IM'ing me pop up. I have six chats open on MSN at the moment. So many little distractions, so many random thoughts muddled and intertwined until the fall of man kind. Or until I find myself bored one rainy day and decide to sift and sort through my innermost thoughts.
Today happens to be one of those days; or partly. I'm in a mood to write, in order to write, I must have something to say. To have something to say, I must make a bit of sense of my maze of a mind. To do this requires a virtue I was never given the pleasure of having; patience.
pa-tience; [noun] the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
I simply have no idea how to do this. Oh how easy it is to put it down on paper, to write of others personalities having this certain virtue, Or even writing of yourself with this quality, but so very hard to put it in actual practice! See here I am now, avoiding my thoughts refusing to type out what is really in my heart this very moment.
So perhaps I shouldn't have started by typing out an endless rant of my complicated mind, if the matters involve my heart? Although I find it has loosened my mind, so I can make sense of these feelings that dwell deep within my heart.
To let you in on a secret that I expect you to keep; I've always been that girl.
[That Girl; An adolescent who harbors diluted (and secret) dreams of being swept away by some prince on a white horse , who will undoubtedly slay dragons for her.]
I hid the fact that I was one of these girls. I felt tainted by shallowness, although I know it wasn't as such. That everyone has things they want, that they convent as their own. That everyone has the right to dream, and dream I did.
The night I met him, I was already broken. I had placed trust in false prophets. Who spoke of love, and only gave heartache. So I didn't expect my heart to react in such a way. I thought it was impossible for it to do so anymore. That it was only an empty shell, silently beating.
I didn't expect my heart come alive once more when he spoke, or that I would find myself falling so quickly for him.
We fit together, in such a way that melted my heart. I loved him almost instantly. So many might not believe it, but I felt that he belonged with me. I just knew, and he knew too. Although he has been most reluctant to admit it. At least at first he was, now he admits freely.
Although I loved him instantly; that love was something mundane to what I feel now. Now that I have allowed myself to grow in his love. Relish in it, I miss that love, how it was to begin with, the pureness, how hesitate we both were. Although I miss that, I would not trade this new intensity for anything. I feel like I'm swallowing fire, and the burning travels deep to my heart.
I know I'm young, too young so many say, but do they know of this fire that burns in my veins? Do they know of how my heart aches when I'm not with him? Do they know how utterly happy I am when I'm with him? The answer, is no. They don't know, they know only what they choose to believe. Nothing I will ever do or say could change that simple fact.
At this moment in time; I know with all of my heart that I am in love with him. He has admitted to being so with me. I at the time believe I was, but I wasn't quite there yet. Today I fell fully, the rest of the way down that tunnel we call love. I didn't hit the ground though, as I feared. I fell into his arms. Open and inviting.
At this moment in time, I would do anything for love. I would risk my home, my family, my life here, my friends who I love more than anything. I would risk my soul. Why you ask? Because I'm so much in love that it brings tears to my eyes and a bittersweet pain to my heart.
I think I made sense of the inter-workings of my mind, the maze of wrong and right, of love and hate. The broken pieces of my healing heart cut me along the way, but I have spoken what I wished to say, and I am proud to say I no longer have a blank screen in front of me.
