When we paint a house, we give it many coats of paint, so when and if the paint peels, there will be another layer. But due to time, and elemental forces the paint peels, reveling the structure beneath. All the many coats peeling away to reveal what's hidden beneath.
I am like this house, painting myself with many coats of various shades, praying that my paint will not peel and leave me displayed. When I see a crack starting to form, I add another coat of paint and move on. But in the end I’m just covering up who I am, so much so, that I’ve forgotten myself.
We all cover ourselves with paint. What kind, why, how many layers, well, that’s all left up to you. Some people only choose a thin layer, shedding it at the first sign of peeling. Others, like me, add coat after coat. Some were abused, some hide from their past mistakes, some are suffering from broken hearts, shattered lives, some may be too depressed to live, to afraid to die. And some, like me, might just be afraid of themselves. Of truly finding out whom they are.
All of those things I mention above are me. I was abused, invaded, taken advantage of. I’ve done things in my past no-one knows about, things I’d rather keep that way. My heart has been broken, shattered to the point of no return. I’m so sad, but I’ve made promises to stay here and live. I’m not selfish enough, to willing leave anyone behind.
There was once I time when I would have done anything to know who I really was. To find out exactly where I’m going; I am no longer that person. I stopped playing pretend a long time ago. Because the things that have happened to me, what I’ve done, my broken heart, they’ve changed me. I’ve turned into a person I don’t recognize, and I’m afraid of that person. I’m afraid because she knows the world. She’s been acquainted with it.
So; I will continue painting over that girl, layers upon layers of paint. Until one day; someone will see. Someone who will come up to me and peel away the layers; someone who will tell me I shouldn’t be afraid of that girl. That the girl is who I’m meant to be, they will reveal me to myself. And I will not longer be afraid.
